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is it ok for a 12 year old boy to sleep with his mom
my girlfriend is a single mother of five children. The youngest of which is a 12 year old boy. she has been a single mom since he was a baby and has done a wonderful job raising all of the kids. Lately it has been a topic of discussion between us about her 12 year old boy wanting to sleep with her. When I am there and spend the night, he has no problem sleeping in his own bed, but when I am not there, he wants to sleep in bed with his mother. I have tried to tell her that it is not healthy for a 12 year old to be sleeping with his mother, but when i bring it up she gets angry and tells me that i am not a doctor and that there is nothing wrong with it. She says that he is just a very affectionet child and wants to feel close and loved. I have expressed my concerns about a 12 year old boy and how they start to develop sexually at that age. she says i am way off base and i should mind my own business. I know that this is not normal behavior, but it is something that should be a big concern. Should she wait until he outgrows it or make it stop immediately.
I don't see what the problem is. I have two children ages 3 and 6. While neither have slept in the bed with my husband and myself we have let them come in on occaison such as sick, bad dreams, afraid during a thunderstorm. Kids need to feel close to their parent sometimes for differnt reasons. Maybe they just can sleep, are worried about something that happened at school, and who is the one person they can go to that will comfort them and help them feel safe -- Mom or Dad. I think parents should enjoy having their child want to be near them. At some point kids do grow up and it becomes uncool to hang out with Mom and Dad. I know I enjoy every hug and kiss from my little ones. I enjoy laying in bed on Saturday morning and watching cartoons. I don't see how a mom letting her 12 year old come in every now and then would be a problem. When I was growing up my Dad would work nights occasionly. I can remember sleeping with me Mom lots of times because I couldn't sleep or becasue she couldn't sleep or I just wanted someone to talk to. When this happend I was in college. The only thing it did was make me feel closer to my Mom -- which is a good thing. I gave me the sense of knowing that she was always going to be there for me.
It seems like you are here to be desputiv with some of the people. In this particular case, you don`t even know the total truth, since you only accept the boyfriend`s version. In order to give someone advice, you need to rewiew to whole story, and put your prejudice behind.
i just run into this site researching another topic, but found it imperativ to write another point of view.
i am very concerned about the person HVMA responding in an 'official' manner with a PH D( in psychology?!)
i was very saddened reading HVMA response which is not only very damaging, but opinionated, strongly biased by his personal view of the world and not at least educational. from any counselor i request a respectful, helpful and sensible answer and not a sledge hammer or a moralizing finger pointing. also, if i may point out your opinion is sooo in the minority if you take a look at the world population where at least most moms (often dads too! sleep closely together, sharing the same blanket to keep warm, snuggled up for closeness and comfort etc.
the US is probably one of the counties with the highest perctage of people with sexuality problems......steeming certainly not from family co-sleeping.
my comment to Mskattykat: while it may not always be appropriate to sleep in the same bed with a teenager i like to point out that there is a very strong movement in the us on co-sleeping, which is so very normal amongst the mayority of the world popolation.
you can research co-cleeping on the web, mothering magazine has articles in their archive on this issue as well. trust your instincts and educate yourself from people from different walks of life.
by the way - your situation, as much as anyone could say from what you wrote sounded very healthy to me. keep trusting your instincts and share such issues with other wise women and other self-empowering people ..... warm greetins and best of luck.
i am very concerned about the person HVMA responding in an 'official' manner with a PH D( in psychology?!)
i was very saddened reading HVMA response which is not only very damaging, but opinionated, strongly biased by his personal view of the world and not at least educational. from any counselor i request a respectful, helpful and sensible answer and not a sledge hammer or a moralizing finger pointing. also, if i may point out your opinion is sooo in the minority if you take a look at the world population where at least most moms (often dads too! sleep closely together, sharing the same blanket to keep warm, snuggled up for closeness and comfort etc.
the US is probably one of the counties with the highest perctage of people with sexuality problems......steeming certainly not from family co-sleeping.
my comment to Mskattykat: while it may not always be appropriate to sleep in the same bed with a teenager i like to point out that there is a very strong movement in the us on co-sleeping, which is so very normal amongst the mayority of the world popolation.
you can research co-cleeping on the web, mothering magazine has articles in their archive on this issue as well. trust your instincts and educate yourself from people from different walks of life.
by the way - your situation, as much as anyone could say from what you wrote sounded very healthy to me. keep trusting your instincts and share such issues with other wise women and other self-empowering people ..... warm greetins and best of luck.
Why does anyone on this forum dr or otherwise feel it prudent to advise an obviously loving, caring, aware, attentive, providing PARENT when it is time for HER son to sleep in his own bed (which he obviously does and most likely will NOT be doing much longer of his own accord)???
I don't care what the "authorities" say a parent needs to do what they feel is best for their children. Each child is an individual and needs to be treated as such.
It wasn't the mom who came here for support or help it was the BF (who seems slightly jealous of his GF's attention and tenderness towards her son).
There is more to this situation than meets the eye. Before judging I wonder how many here have an affectionate 12 year old son.
My FIL passed away 2 years ago and many of the brothers and sisters innocently slept together in the same bed (the children still at home ranged in age from 19 to 10). It helped them feel secure and safe.
This little boy (yes LITTLE BOY...he's 12 not 18!!) has been raised without a father in his life. For now he's "Momma's boy"; he will eventually grow to be a man and in that process grow out of sleeping in his mother's bed.
What exactly is it that is potentially "harmful" about this situation or not "sensible"?
The dr also mentioned that children of "any age" shouldn't sleep in their parent's bed...he has expressed his opinion and that is all. He has no scientific basis to back up his claims.
SCparent, I am AGHAST that you would investigate a parent for the sole reason that they sleep in the same bed as a minor child! Do you live in America?? Do you seriously believe that every parent that sleeps with their minor child is suspect of ABUSE/NEGLECT?? There are REAL issues of abuse and neglect to be investigated. I live in a state where seriously abused and neglected children are returned to homes because their parents completed a "rehabilitation" program...guess where those children are a year later...back into foster care and 10 years later they're in therapy...or jail. Makes me ill...
I realize there are very real situations of abuse but where do the government and medical professionals draw the line? Investigating abuse where there is none can be as traumatizing for children as actually being abused (I've seen it happen).
This mom obviously wants what is best for her son. I respect her for not bowing to the "professionals". I believe she is in tune with her son's needs. The closeness they share will last a lifetime.
I'm amazed that many here have accused her of sleeping with her son to fulfill her unmet need for companionship and comfort. Honestly, is it wrong to enjoy the companionship of your kids whether during the day or otherwise. Is that "harmful" and "insensible"?
How many parents here can truly say they have never gone into their teenager's room at night, looked down at their sleeping face and wished that they could pick that child up and rock them in their arms like they used to? How many parents can say they don't long for the days when they used to hold their child's hand, lay with them when they were sick, a time when they were the center of their child's world. What kind of a parent doesn't look back and cherish those days or in the midst of it wish it could stretch out a little longer.
This woman's child is still just a little boy.
Kelly
P.S. I think it's the rest of us that need to get our minds out of the gutter and see the innocence of the situation.
I don't care what the "authorities" say a parent needs to do what they feel is best for their children. Each child is an individual and needs to be treated as such.
It wasn't the mom who came here for support or help it was the BF (who seems slightly jealous of his GF's attention and tenderness towards her son).
There is more to this situation than meets the eye. Before judging I wonder how many here have an affectionate 12 year old son.
My FIL passed away 2 years ago and many of the brothers and sisters innocently slept together in the same bed (the children still at home ranged in age from 19 to 10). It helped them feel secure and safe.
This little boy (yes LITTLE BOY...he's 12 not 18!!) has been raised without a father in his life. For now he's "Momma's boy"; he will eventually grow to be a man and in that process grow out of sleeping in his mother's bed.
What exactly is it that is potentially "harmful" about this situation or not "sensible"?
The dr also mentioned that children of "any age" shouldn't sleep in their parent's bed...he has expressed his opinion and that is all. He has no scientific basis to back up his claims.
SCparent, I am AGHAST that you would investigate a parent for the sole reason that they sleep in the same bed as a minor child! Do you live in America?? Do you seriously believe that every parent that sleeps with their minor child is suspect of ABUSE/NEGLECT?? There are REAL issues of abuse and neglect to be investigated. I live in a state where seriously abused and neglected children are returned to homes because their parents completed a "rehabilitation" program...guess where those children are a year later...back into foster care and 10 years later they're in therapy...or jail. Makes me ill...
I realize there are very real situations of abuse but where do the government and medical professionals draw the line? Investigating abuse where there is none can be as traumatizing for children as actually being abused (I've seen it happen).
This mom obviously wants what is best for her son. I respect her for not bowing to the "professionals". I believe she is in tune with her son's needs. The closeness they share will last a lifetime.
I'm amazed that many here have accused her of sleeping with her son to fulfill her unmet need for companionship and comfort. Honestly, is it wrong to enjoy the companionship of your kids whether during the day or otherwise. Is that "harmful" and "insensible"?
How many parents here can truly say they have never gone into their teenager's room at night, looked down at their sleeping face and wished that they could pick that child up and rock them in their arms like they used to? How many parents can say they don't long for the days when they used to hold their child's hand, lay with them when they were sick, a time when they were the center of their child's world. What kind of a parent doesn't look back and cherish those days or in the midst of it wish it could stretch out a little longer.
This woman's child is still just a little boy.
Kelly
P.S. I think it's the rest of us that need to get our minds out of the gutter and see the innocence of the situation.
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
It's not a good idea for a parent to be sleeping with a tweleve year old child (or with a child of any age, for that matter). The issue of development of early adolescence complicates the situation with a child of twelve, but even if it weren't for this the child's mother shouls stop this practice. He's clearly able to sleep in his own bed. It may be that his mother is satisfying her own need for companionship by this preactice. It is definitely not a good idea.
Everyone is obviously defending their feelings on this subject. Well that's understandable, but there r many other ways to establish and maintain the sense of security, closeness, or any other needs. What happened to talking about the things that are bothering them, or what the root of the problem causing the child to sleep in bed with the parents. Parents are our childrens greatest teachers, teaching or showing a child that we should just go to sleep after they come into bed with us is not healthy. I know at times children definitely need that security and reassurrance from their parents, better ways to give that to your children than through sleeping with them in your bed when ever the child is upset or scared or whatever the case maybe. Ever thought of getting up and sacrificing some sleep to talk to the child about why he or she is in "need" of sleeping with the parents. Or just try holding them and comforting them about what is really bothering them. Communication with the child is best way to get through to them, having or letting the child sleep with the parents sure isn't doing the child any good, it tells the child that we should just go to sleep and it will be ok because they are beside us in bed, that sets a habbit or standard that the child will follow. We as parents should lead by example, if u want your child to feel close to u, secure at night, reassured that everything is ok, then talk to them about it not sleep with them about it. Even if u have to sit up with them for awhile and just hang out or talk about it, u can comfort and reassure them then put them back in their bed, or u go lay down with them for awhile, stop being lazy. The child will follow whatever examples the parent sets for them, monkey see monkey do is the old saying. Sleeping isn't parenting, take some time and get up out of bed to face the problem, can't face it sleeping. The child will appreciate your time and effort a lot more rather than hugging them and telling them its going to be alright because they r sleeping beside you, that developes a false sense of what being secure or assured is, when they get scared or are bothered they should just come sleep with mom and dad and the fear or problem will just go away, not exactly truthful parenting towards the kid. Like I've ssaid earlier in this post I do think it is ok for the child to seek out the parent for comfort or security at night, but sleeping is sleeping, not comforting or reassuring them of their security. Most of the time the coforting and reassurance of feeling safe and secure is given before sleeping occurs, not during, that is why I said to get up and see what is going on, not just say get into bed and rollover and go back to sleep. That is not how u make sure an baby is taken care of at night, u get up and go take care of them then u get to go back to sleep. I'm glad my daughter knows she can come to me anytime night or day, and I will be here for her, not sleep here for her. If u don't show your kids that your are willing to take the time to talk to them about what is going on right then, what example are you setting for them? Goodluck! Hopefully my comments helped and did upset u a little. The truth does hurt. So does life.
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