4 y/o with behavior and potty issues

[motherofangel]

My daughter (who suffers from hearing loss treated with ear tubes and has greatly improved) started headstart this fall. She began having alot of behavior problems (hitting, yelling, being outright defiant and mean) and she also started having pee and poop accidents frequently. She was a late potty trainer and it took quite a long time to get her to use the potty. She was scared to death of toilets. She got used to the potty at home then at places we went frequently but public restrooms were a nightmare. She'd scream and cry so loud I swear people halfway across walmart thought I was beating her. When she was a baby still in the crib she played with her poop for the first time (all over the crib and herself). It happened a few times randomly over the next 2 and 1/2 years. Lately however she has been doing it more and more. Worst of all at school. The school, I think, is getting tired of dealing with her (as they have called CPS on me claiming I was medically neglecting her which is bogus). I have tried everything I can come up with and have done everything that the school has asked me to do (above and beyond what any parent should have to I think). She seemed to be getting better than they abrubtly changed out one of her teachers and her behavior got worse than it ever has been. Other than the potty problems her behavior at home is fine (a fit here or there but nothing like what they are reporting to me). I am at a loss for what to do. I try to do Love and Logic at home and it seems to really work..here that is. Do you have any tips or suggestions that might help us? Any books on the subject would be great.

[Marly26]

Your daughter is young right now. I wouldn't be thinking the worst at this point. Its' obvious that she doesn't like change. This is something that Pre-School should be helping her with. As well, you can communicate with her. Let her know that sometimes' the teachers' have to go to another school or are on holidays. She sounds like a smart child. Taking her out of pre-school to me seems to be a mistake. She enjoys' the activity, the other children, but something just isn't right in the classroom. Have you ever thought of going in and sitting in the classroom watching what is going on. I dont' mean on a regular basis but a drop in where they are unaware that you are coming. It seems as you said, the teachers' are getting annoyed at her for what shes' doing. Sometimes' when this happens' and not only to your child but others' as well, they start being treated differently. Perhaps prior to she was the teachers' pet and now all of a sudden it has changed. At her age this is something that she would not understand, she may be being punished, which in turn is making her turn backwards. You have to understand that teachers' are people. Some can be very focused on their employment and others' are in it for the money. If she is fine at home it is obvious that something isn't fine at school and shes' acting out, the only way she knows how. She wants the attention that she once had and maybe she doesn't have that now. Getting attention doesn't mean to them that they have to be good, they will do whatever it takes whether it be wrong or right. Again I am going to stipulate that you yourself go to the school unannouced and just she what is happening in the classroom. It could be nothing but again, it could be something. Even ask your child what is going on in the classroom. Ask if she is doing this because she is upset about something that is happening. Its amazing what you may find out from your child. Sit and play with her and just periodically ask her some questions, like just blurt it out, joke about it, whatever it takes. If you actually sat her down for a conversation she wouldn't understand and more than that she just may add to the equation things that just are not true. So do it in a playtime situation. Not a lot of questions, just off and on. Do this over a period of about a week, not all in one day and wait for the right moment when you have her attention.
I wish you much luck, hopefully you will find the solution to the problem, I think you will.
Take care and if you hear something that infuriates you dont' let it show, just keep a journal of your own. Then go into the classroom unaware and see if your child has been up front with you. Let me know how you make out, again take care, Rita

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

No, I do not think that play therapy would make any difference. It is the routine and structure (including behavior management) of her environment that will make the difference.

[motherofangel]

But without the school I fear she might become farther behind than she already is. I highly doubt she'd be ready for Kindergarten with out the headstart program. In the last 3 months at school her speech has greatly improved and she has learned so much. She is an amazing writer for a 4 y/o and has even learned to read quite a few words. Also wouldn't pulling her out of school cause more issues? She seems to have issues adapting to the changes (and unfortunatly our life has had many of those). She loves school and the adventure of riding the bus, I'm just so afraid that taking that away from her might cause even more harm. ugh Stuck between a Rock and a Hard place I guess. Do you think that some Play Therapy might help her?

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

It may be that this is not the time for her to be in pre-school - it is too demanding an experience for her. You can see the pattern: as transiitons and changes occur, as her routine is disrupted, she becomes more disorganized. Not all children are ready for pre-school at the same time.