my 4 year old daughter was molested struggling with my decision

[helplessmommy1205]

My daughter is 4 rite now but two years ago my husband and I had his other daughter living with us (he has 4 other girls from previous marriage) and I caught his daughter 4 at the time with my 2 year old pinning her down under a blanket with her hands in the underwear and her tongue in her mouth. Just talking about it makes me sick. Anyway since then I have caught her kissing my daughter and we have tried talking to her and telling her it Is bad but it didn't work. I had enough I can't let my poor baby girl be treated this way and I'm sorry but I protect my kids over anyone period and I will defend her until my last breath. I told my husband that his daughter can not live in my house anymore. It wasn't up fir discussion that's it and I'm done. This was going on for 2 years in my house and I will not tollerate it any longer I told her mom that something had happened to her daughter for her to be doing these things to my daughter and she just blew it off. I feel in my heart that I made the rite decision. But it still doesn't make sense to me how her mom can just let thus go and not want to know why... Was I wrong in my decision?? Or am I making too big of a deal about it.. I'm sorry but when my daughter is getting her privates touched against her will and getting tongues shoved down her throat I feel like its my job to protect her. She is still so confused about why thus happened to her. Please help

[specialmom]

Oh goodness.  Sorry about this situation.  here is the unfortunate thing . . .  child upon child molestation is very common when the child you see as the aggressor was molested by someone else.  See what I'm saying?  The 4 year old who started it is most likely also a victim.  Very sad.  She's either experienced something or seen something.  

What does her father say about it?  He is who you need to talk to as HE should be as concerned as you are.  I wouldn't approach it like his older daughter is a monster or something as in truth, she is just a very young girl that has probably had something happen to her.  View her as a child that needs help, not some demon you must rid your home of.  

How are rules followed in your house?  What type of discipline to you use?  I would supervise these two at all times (and now your daughter with any younger children as she too could act this out on someone else) and put into place VERY firm rules.  No, you may not do X behaviors.  Tell them that young ladies do not do such things to each other and it is not permitted in your home.  (I mean, we aren't talking about teenagers here but a 4 year old and 6 year old---  you should be able to mandate rules and supervise to make sure.)  

But really, I'd have an issue with the father in this case if he is not on board with getting these girls some help.  I would strongly consider some type of counseling for the older child and keeping a watchful eye on the younger child.  She may eventually need some counseling as well.  

So, again, what does the dad say about this?  I think I'd be looking into what is going on in the other home with the young girl and if anything has also happened to the other sisters.  Very sad indeed.  

[helplessmommy1205]

I have two younger children in addition to my 4 year old. I am always with them. The first time this happened they were suposed to be going to bed I walked in to check and his daughter had got into my daughters bed. And every other time they were playing and I turn my head for one sec to attend my other children and its like she can't keep her hands to herself she's always trying to sneak them into her panties or kiss her. I have never gotten along with there mother because I raised her kids when she was absent and I had too many rules or was too structured or strict as she would say. Well If these things are happening she's not strict enough. There kids just run wild and had no respect for anyone or anything they were always tearing things up and fighting it was horrible. And my husband works in the oilfIeld and is hardly home. We both tried talking to her mom about it but she was just in denial. Now my daughter never touches her little sister thank god. After all this happened my daughter told me that she would tell her she wanted to kiss her private which made me even more sick. I'm just lost because I tried to get there daughter help but obviously it just wasn't a priority. After talking to this little girl until it was pretty much me begging her not to touch my daughter I had to let go. I can't have her around. And what makes thus situation worse is my daughter isn't my husbands biological daughter. But he Is all she knows. She's never met her dad and thinks he Is her dad. Its such a mess.

[specialmom]

Yes.  That's really hard for sure.  I'm sorry!  I agree your top priority is to make sure the other kids are safe.  We have to do that as parents.  I wish there was a way to do that and not have to X this child out of your life and away from her father's home.

I'm just going to say it----  ugh.  Your husband, her father is really not doing a great job.  HE needs to address this.  HE needs to get help by insisting on it with the mother.  HE needs to set up an appointment for while the child was at your house with a therapist.  He needs to step in and be PRESENT in her life.  He needs to investigate the situation as to what his daughter has or is going through in the other home.  I get he works.  My husband works as well and travels on the job.  But at some point---  family comes first and right now his family needs him to be involved.  You are in an awkward position as the step mom.  I do sense that you'd like to help the girl but your hands are tied.  I'd encourage your husband to get more involved.  I'd try to insist on it even if it rocks the boat with the mom.  It won't rock the boat any more than telling them both that she is no longer welcome in the home.

do keep an eye on your daughter.  Kids have things 'woken' up in them when they've experienced things like this.  Sexualized behavior and interests become more prevalent.  So, just keep your eye on it and intervene if you see things that concern you.  

Again, very sorry this has happened.  It really is a mom's worse nightmare.  good luck

[helplessmommy1205]

I have tried but its gotten to a point where our family is his only concern. He knows it was horrible And is COMPLETLY behind me and my daughter But if you met this woman you would understand where these kids get it from.. She's with a new man every week and hardly watches her kids. Her oldest daughter Is 14 and watches the kids all day and night. I tried but I can't beat myself up over it anymore. And my husband knows that his kids are just unsepervised all day but there mom doesn't care and they live there now. I feel bad because for the most part it isn't there fault they have been through a lot but they are the most misbehaved kids I have ever been around. I had seven kids to raise alone more then half of them Wernt mine and it was horrible. I would cry almost every night and that's after I would pull my hair out all day because I couldn't get through to these girls. My kids were suffering and not having a loving calm enviorment because of them. And I had absolutly no help. That's 27 meals a day 6 trips to and from school 6 hours of homework and 14 hours of pure pain every day. It was horrific. On top of this problem and my own kids diapers and everything they needed. Noone helped me. But I got it done and didn't complain. And now I'm stuck with the guilt too and obviously I'm the only one.

[ddvbaby]

You made the right Decision, as a parent it is your RIGHT TO PROTECT ND DEFEND UR CHILD . I hate wen parents dont protect or defend there child then years later cry and wish they did something. You did everything right. You talked to your step daughter w/ her father, informed her mother, and  defended your daughter. YOU DID EVERYTHING RIGHT !

[helplessmommy1205]

Thank you so much for that camment. I love my kids as do all parents but I could never forgive myself if something serious would have came from this. And I would never want my daughter to say to me one day that I didn't protect her when she was being hurt. Thank you so much I needed that.