my 4 year old daughters behavioral issues

[kjdm89]

My daughter will be 4 in 2 weeks, and she has had many behavioral issues since she was 3 years old.
Ive tried whats seemed like endless different methods to try to resolve the issues but i cant seem to get through.
The only place she never seems to act up is at my parents house.
The only thing ive gotten out of her is that, she gets things at my parents house, thats why she likes going over there.
She constantly throws tantrums, lies, doesnt like to go to the bathroom on the toilet even though shes potty trained.
She cries when she doesnt get things, throws herself on the ground, throws up intentionally when shes in trouble.
Ive tried the reward system. Time outs, scolding or any of that works.
I just dont know what to do anymore. She will be starting preschool soon and im very worried she will have more problems there. Help?!

[specialmom]

Well, I have a question for ya.  What is the point of asking her a question, having her cry and then coming back and asking again?  I'm just curious?  Is it because you feel she should answer the questions?  

I think that this age is notorious for not really wanting to answer a question about what they did for the day.  Kind of a grown up question.  I had my kids in preschool and I'd pick them up and start with the questions.  They'd clam up or say they didn't want to talk or say they didn't remember or just not answer.  Pretty common response in kids of this age.  

I guess I'm going back to the theme of picking your battles.  I'd not have a crying evening because I was forcing her to answer questions like what did you do today.  

That's just me and my take on it.  I'd say something more like, "I hear mommy took you to the park, was it fun?  What was your favorite thing that you did there?  Oh yes, slides are fun. "  Rather than a simple "what did you do today?"  sure she can talk in full senstences but kids of 4 aren't the best conversationalists especially if tired of cranky.  So, ask some questions.  Then if she cries, say---  okay, we don't have to talk.  and then go about your business without making a big deal out of it.  

Pick your battles is all I can say.  good luck

[kjdm89]

Sorry for late response. Her actinf out has been going on for a while now. As far as her tantrums lasting all day, it can be as simple as asking her a question. My fiance will come home from work and ask a question as simple as , "what did you do today?" and she will start crying her eyes out. She cries when she doesnt want to answer a question also. We both have tried methods such as giving her a little bit of time, then come back and ask her again and she wants to start back up with the crying. Shes been explained that she isnt in trouble and all we want to do is talk to her. Shes great when it comes to yes and no questions, but completely freezes up when it comes to her actually having to answer a question. She talks in sentences and is very smart for her age, so i know when it would come down to her having to answer a question, she shouldnt have a problem with it.When she starts her crying and tantrums, i dont yell, but ask why shes crying, she always wants to get worse, so then i go out of the room because i tell her i wont talk to her while shes acting like that, only for her to start screaming more. its a lose lose with her, and quite frankly i dont know anymore. We are trying so many different methods, and are trying our hardest. weve looked up articles,tried and tried but nothing seems to work. She acts the same way with me like she does with her boyfriend. I do the best i can as a mother and he does the same as a father figure. She gets rewarded and praised when shes good. But in the same aspect i want her to know if shes doing wrong, there will be some type of punishment for that as well . I.E. time out, scolding, no toys.
My parents buy her things, and give and give and give. They always give her gifts and to them "shes an angel". Ive explained to my parents that they shouldnt constantly buy her things and give her things all the time. Because then she will start to expect it. Me and my fiance are completely at a loss now and its beginning to become very stressful and tiring.

[Sandman2]

     First, thank you for taking the time to give us more information.  It really helps us and also shows how much you care.  
Lots and lots of great ideas by specialmom.
I still have some concerns about her tantrums.  You say they last all day.  Could you be a bit more specific?  When she starts up- what do you do?  Does she then kind of calm down and then restart back up somewhat later on?  Or does she just go on and on and on?
   I do think that it sounds like she is in a good place, so I can understand your concern.  I was also curious - you said, "But the only place she seems to have issues is here, or with her daddy."  So I assume this is your  boyfriend and you are not around?   In these situations does she act the same way she does for you?
    Oh, and I gotta ask - what the heck do your parents do for her when she is with them to keep her so happy.  Is it just because there is always one of them paying attention to her?
  

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Have there been any other changes in her life?  A move or baby on the way or anything?

I'm a firm believer with a child that is difficult to pick your battles.  I think the analogy of dividing everything up into three different buckets.  Bucket A is all of the abslutely NO WAYS.  Bucket B are negotiable/compromise.  And Bucket C are the little things you let go.  Bucket A should always be the least filled.  Reserve it for things that are dangerous.  The rest, choose if it REALLY is a huge deal or imperative or if it is something you can let go.  Things like, she doesn't want to drink her milk at dinner.  She's just not wanting it.  And you can sit and make her drink it and make it a battle OR you can just put the milk away and in an hour, give her the milk again to drink.  She still gets her milk but you haven't just spent dinner time fighting.  So, some things, it is okay to give in on, it really is.  And then you choose which things you can compromise on such as you'd like her to eat her fruit on her plate AND her vegis.  She's adament that she isn't going to eat both.  Well, you could be upset with her or you can say, you have to eat one of these, the fruit or the vegi, which one do you want to eat?  She picks, she's had some decent nutrition, you try the vegis again at another meal.  These are just examples----  but that strategy really helped me.

And if I gave my sons lots of choices, on things they had NO choice on, they would comply because it wasn't EVERYTHING.  Lots and lots of little choices----  which still has you ultimately in control because you set the choices up.  

I think it helps with that age to to watch for anything positive and praise her like crazy for it and ignore the bad as much as possible.  Some kids will act out for attention believe it or not so make sure she only gets attention for good behavior.  

The throwing up ----  well, some kids do have a huge gag reflex.  I would try not to be mad at her for that.  That one is a little more involuntary than the rest.  If she screams at you, ignore her completely.  Just say I will  not talk to you when you are screaming and go about your business.  

I would really try to back off on food fights with her.  She's not going to starve---  give her healthy choices and she'll likely get enough nutrition.  My kids have gone to bed without eating much at all for dinner and then just been hungry the next morning.  No issues came from it.  So, try not to let this be a constant source of fighting/upset.
good luck.  I think a 4 is harder than 3 and 3 is harder that 2.  But, if you pick your battles and set boundaries when you need to----  5 is pretty darn easy compared to 2,3, ot 4.  

good luck

[kjdm89]

Hello there. thank you for your comment. I will give you a better description to my situation. I am 23 years old and have been with my boyfriend on 2 years November. Since my daughter was 2 years old. We live together and she knows him as daddy. Her biological father is not in her life, so she does not know the more detailed bits of course. I was working fulltime, up until Febuary of this year. I had my daughter at an in-home daycare. (Everyday i was told she did fine) (no behavioral issues) just at home. I stay at home with her now so she has all of my attention. She normally goes over to my parents house when they want to keep her for the weekend or when i absolutely need them to watch her. Her tantrums last pretty much the whole entire day. For example today, i told her she could go play in the room whole i made lunch, i started to hear her cry, i walked on and she was standing there crying and when i asked why she was crying she wanted to start screaming at me. Her throwing up tends to happen when shes either 1. already in trouble and 2. when she doesnt want to eat. As far as her not wanting to eat, she knows to say if shes full, and of course then i wont make her eat all of her food, and ive also tried giving her smaller portions. She isnt in a bad environment here. She gets to play, do things, etc. But the only place she seems to have issues is here, or with her daddy. I dont get it

[Sandman2]

   Welcome to the forum.  We have definitely seen issues like this before.  Need just a bit more info though as it does affect how to help you.
    Do you have any other kids and if so how old?   Are you a single parent or do you have another person around to help you?
     Is she usually at your parents during the day (child care situation while you work?)
      How long do her tantrums last?  And does the throwing up come at the end of  the tantrum or at a completely unrelated time?
      Hope these aren't too many questions - but they will help us help you!!  Best wishes.