my 5yr old

[ymmum]

My 5yr old daughter has never seen her father. Ive never keep her from anything, ive shown her pictures of her dad,
she asks me questions like does my daddy love me. She keeps asking me if she can see him knowing full well he
doesnt wont anything to do with her. What do i say to her.


This discussion is related to my five year old is beginning to want to know his father.

[specialmom]

This is such a hard situation.  Your daughter probably feels sad and rejected over this situation.  That is why I'd acknowlege it, let her vent, etc. but try to move past it.  Point out all she DOES have in her life.  And as far as behavior, kids can show how they are feeling in different ways.  There may be something else going on, but with regards to this---  she can't use this as an excuse to do the inexcusable.  She can't hurt you or your partner----- period.  Be firm about this while being loving.  People come from difficult circumstances and they can't let it dictate their lives.  That doesn't make a young girl who doesn't understand her stinky dad's abandonment feel better.  So try to make her feel as loved as possible and promote that relationship with your partner.  Since you're getting married, he will be her father figure.  He could formally invite her to be this and while it still hurts about her bio dad, this will probably make her feel better at some point.  Good luck

[margypops]

Has your daughter recently started a new school sometimes children will copy  behavior they see from others, does she get on okay at school.What happens prior to the behavior? I believe the best way to deal with it is to make her do without something she likes, but no idle threats, be tough and follow through so she knows there are conseqencesno TV no reading, playing a special game, no Park,  ,the time out methods works well with some children, so when she goes to pinch send her or put her on a chair out of the way, no yelling just quiet consistancy, she will come off the chair ,take her back, make her stay  till she is sorry, before you do it explain quietly she is going into time out until she is good and stops hitting.Good luck shes adorable anyway and this is just a phase....

[ymmum]

Thankyou specialmom for your comments. My exs parents have disonned him too. My daughter spends lots of loving times there. I am still very close to his family and try to keep things happy.
Last year a met a very special person who has children of the same age and get on fantasticly, they are the same age two teeks difference. MY daughters behavour is starting to get unacceptable, she has started to pinch and punch me and my partner which is very worrying. Is this her way of saying i only want my real dad in my life.

[ymmum]

Thankyou so much for your comments. I only want to do the best for my daughter. Her name is cheianne and she is so bright and beautiful. She said to me the other week. Mummy can you phone my daddy and say your sorry and he will say it back. I had a tear in my eye i will admit. I have given her all the photos of her dad it doesnt seem to be any easier for her. She spends alot of time with his parents, which have also disoned him. I met someone very special last year we plan to marry in2010. He has a son of the same age as cheianne they got on fantastic.

[specialmom]

This is such a sad story.  All too soon kids learn the realities of life, don't they?  I wish her dad had compassion and would do the right thing here.  (not to mention, he is missing out.)  It is so devastating as a mother to see pain and disappointment in our children's eyes.  Are there any other males (perhaps your father or brother or a male friend) that could be involved in her life?  This never takes the place of a father, but may give the sense of male love.  And I would try to redirect.  You are right to be honest----  but as this is a painful subject and doesn't look like it will improve----  I would try to redirect.  Listen, hug her and move on.  You sound like a caring and loving mother, I do hope that good comes the way of you and  your daughter.  best wishes.

[megochick101]

I know how she feels. My father left me when i was 5 and I've always been bothered with it and have always had major fears of people leaving and worries about it. if she is anything like I was, she probably feels it's her fault, that she wasn't good enough. It's horrible not having a father figure and not knowing why your father is not there.

I'm glad you haven't bad mouthed him or anything. But i do recommend talking to he about him and being as honest as possible. Tell her everything you can about him(nice things please lol) Definitely tell her that it's not her fault her father isn't around. I don't know what to say about her wanting to see him, the only thing i can think of is telling her he lives far away, but that would most likely be lying so I have no idea(sorry lol)

You may want to let her go to therapy so that she can try and start resolving her feelings on the matter(although at her age I don't know if it'll be too soon or not). I never went to therapy for it, and I wish i would have because i still have some trust issues and abandonment issues that I've never resolved.

[ymmum]

Thankyou for your comment, only last week i txt him saying his daughter wants to see him. I said please dont ignore your daughter she only wants to be apart of your life, he basically has not botherd to txt me back. She also has started to have behavural problems. She has started to punch and pinch me, which i try to ignore.He pays me £26.00 a week from csa. I dont no what else to do. I only want the best for my daughter. Its very heart breaking when she asks theese questions. All i say is i dont know darling. I hate lying to her. I never ever bad mouth her dad to her as it is the wrong thing to do.

[margypops]

Check again to see if he has changed his mind ,it would be a good thing ,children do better when they have both parents in their lives, I am supposing he provides financially in some way, so next chance you get tell him what you have written here, and leave the door open to him wanting to see her. perhaps he has remarried and is noit certain if a new partner would accept her.?