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Avatar universal

my six year old son is out of control

i need some advice. my 6 year old son i dont know what to do with him. hes constantly misbehaving i have spanked him put him in time out taken things away from him sat down and talked to him everything a parent can do try and get their child to listen and nothing works. not to mention at the age he is he has gone back to pooing in his jocks and hes too lazy to go to the toilet. everytime i ask him why he has done that and all i get is i couldnt find a toilet when there are two toilets in my house!!!! he is toilet trained and he took from the age of 2 right up until to last year to train and he was good for awhile there and now hes just gone back to his old ways. hes not being bullied at school or teased because ive taken the liberty and spoken to both his teacher and principal not to mention observing his and the other childerns behaviour in class and during play. he is constantly beating up my mates son and as a result i am now not allowed to see her because of his behaviour. i am trying my hardest and trying everything in the book.
7 Responses
535822 tn?1443980380
Perhaps instead of punishment like spanking it may be a good idea to find out why he is doing this , he sounds upset by something,what are the dynamics in the house, is he an only child,you say he beats up your friends son , are you sure its only him does the son do anything to him prior?It sounds as if you get on his case a lot , it may be a good idea not to keep asking him if he has been to the bathroom, it could be creating anxiety about going .and is feeding on itself .I see you are Dad, do you play games and sports with him is there positive feedback from you ?Does he have this problem whilst at school or only at home ?
973741 tn?1342346373
That is a very important question-----------  how does he behave at school?  

To start, one of the reasons why I am not a person that spanks is because I think it sends a mixed message.  "You hit so I am going to hit you".  That is pretty confusing.  I have found modeling the calm but firm attitude about what is acceptable and not works better.

Another thing to work on with him is properly expressing his emotions.  Some kids don't learn how to do this --------  and never learn.  Know any adults that lose their temper easily?  I sure do.  So you will help him for his whole life by giving him the tools he needs to communicate his feelings in a better way.  Go to the library and check out books on emotions written for kids.  There are a ton of them.  Read these with him and talk about the different feelings in kid language------  ask him when he might feel each emotion and what kinds of things caused it.   Then talk about what he can do when he has the emotions.  If he is angry, what CAN he do?  He can use his words and tell an adult.  He can go to a calm down spot where he doesn't talk to anyone and no one talks to him.  He can take deep breaths,  he can push his helping hands (use finger paint, have him make hand prints on paper, tape it to the wall, and then he pushes against it----  very calming).  Model a situation in which you get angry.  First do it his way in a funny way so he laughs.  Go over the top doing the wrong things.   Then re do it modeling how you can calm yourself down.

There is another book I like called "hands are not for hitting".  

A parenting book and philosphy that I found helpful is 'Love and Logic" written by charles and jim fey (a father / son psychologist team).  It goes through natural consequences for actions. " You want to go to a friends house?  Oh, so sorry.  Last week when you hit Jonny, they said we couldn't come back. " If he throws a toy, he loses the toy.  If he hits someone, you leave IMMEDIATELY no matter what is going on or why you are there.  Then you write an apology note

Is dad in the picture?

I also have found that physical activity really calms kids.  I'd go over the top and get him out running, jumping, go to parks, go swimming, spend at least an hour a day (no matter what) doing physical play.  It directly calms the nervous system.  

good luck
189897 tn?1441130118
COMMUNITY LEADER
    Very good suggestions and book ideas by the posters.  
I recently saw a study that said that, "NEW YORK (Reuters Health) Oct 24 - Children who wet themselves are more than four times as likely as other kids to also have attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)".   I mention that because it would also explain some of his other problems and why your punishments don't seem to be working.   Its makes specialmoms question about how he is doing in school very important!  So that is something you definitely want to discuss with his teacher.  You also might be interested in checking out this site on ADHD to see if any of the symptoms seem familiar.
    http://www.rxlist.com/attention_deficit_hyperactivity_disorder_adhd/article.htm#tocc
    I monitor the ADHD forum so if you have any other questions about this possibility, feel free to post there.  Best wishes.
Avatar universal
It seems to me that ADHD the acronym has become the go to "Phrase" to use when you can't find an answer. When I was a child I had behavioral issues that stemmed from my father not being around due to his job. My mother sent me to many doctors who all in turn said, "It must be ADHD." I was drugged, shunned, and ultimately dismissed by any who had a moral responsibility to seek reasons to my outbursts. I am now the father of two girls and I have 2 step sons and 1 step daughter. My youngest son (6 years old) lately has been uncontrollable and impossible to punish or talk to about his behavior. Last night he threw the remote at the TV and was sent to his room where he defied his mother and myself over the course of 3 hours. He put holes in the wall, smashed light bulbs that were in the lamps in his room and screamed at the top of his lungs the entire 3+ hours. Do I think that he has ADHD? NO! I think that he wants attention because there is a new baby in the house and he doesn't want to accept that he isn't the baby anymore. This is where many parents fall into the pharmaceutical trap!!! It's easy to take your child to a "specialist" who you know will give you some pill that is supposed to help your child. What you may not know is that every doctor is paid by a pharmaceutical company  to represent and distribute the newest drug on there shelves, i.e. Ritalin in the mid 90's. Now there are some kids and adults that have a chemical imbalance that hinders their ability to focus or pay attention. And in these cases drugs like Ritalin and Adderol (which is nothing more than speed) have a reverse effect. Meaning speed gives normal people energy, but in chemically imbalanced brains like those who truly have ADHD the effect of the amphetamine (speed) has a reverse effect.

So before you start diagnosing a child with a disorder keep in mind that every 5 years a new mental disorder surfaces that make pharmaceutical companies and doctors richer, all at the expense of the side effects it gives to your child.

Be careful what you say!!!!
973741 tn?1342346373
This is a really old post.  Add/adhd is at times misdiagnosed but that is not to take away from the many people that having this diagnosis has helped.  My son doesn't have add/adhd but sensory integration disorder and his diagnosis was really a blessing.  It allowed me to identify the ways in which I could help him.  Medication is NOT part of that by the way.  I view a diagnosis for many as the stepping stone to allowing them to overcome challenges they have and make THEM unhappy.  

but, that is not to say that mistakes are not made.  Mistakes can always happen.  good luck
189897 tn?1441130118
COMMUNITY LEADER
     Well, there is some truth is what you say.  But things have changed a lot since you were diagnosed.  And, of course, it's always possible that you did have a lot of issues with you dad not being around (a lot of kids do).  But, you could also have had ADHD which would greatly magnify these issues.  You certainly were not treated correctly.  And, unfortunately even today, some kids get the short shaft due to overworked and uniformed doctors.  
   However, to say that doctors are being made richer by these meds is a huge, gross generalization.  First, many of these meds are generics and the profit is low, even to the drug companies.  At least in California (and I suspect most states), a doctor is forbidden by law to make money off of prescribed meds.  There exist clinical guidelines for the diagnosis of ADHD, (It must appear in two or more settings, meet at least 6 of 9 symptoms, etc) that should reduce misdiagnosis - but it still happens.
   As for your little guy.  Yes, we get questions all the time why their child is suddenly going nuts and many times it is due to the new one in the house.
If is behavior is only happening at home, then its a pretty good chance that is what is going on. Here is a link to some advice we gave a while back for non ADHD bad behavior - http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Child-Behavior/Anger--frustration-mangement-for-my-5-year-old/show/1410486
    And this is a quote from one of my more recent posts that seems relevant.  By the way, we always talk about finding the triggers if possible and working from there.
   Any way, hope this advice also helps"
     " I am sure that at school he gets told "no" and apparently doesn't throw tantrums.  So, he does have the ability to control himself.  Unfortunately, he has kind of "learned" that his tantrums work for him.  This is not that unusual for smart kids.  Fortunately, they can usually pretty quickly figure out when things are not going there way - and try something else.  
   And a 6 year old boy can be a force of nature.  I always thought my kindergarten/first grade teachers were absolute Saints for dealing with them.  
    Oh, do you have any younger kids (say around 2 or 3)?  Sometimes these things start as attention getting and escalate.  If so, there are a few additional things you can do.
So - do realize that possibly that some of the things you want him to do maybe aren't real easy for a 6 year old.  So cut back just a bit (not a lot) on the do's and don't list.  Try and redirect when possible.
  But mainly don't, "spend a large portion of my day saying "the way you are acting is why we aren't (insert whatever activity here)" and he doesn't seem to get that... "  Talking to him just will not work.  And talking to him when he is having a tantrum - won't work.
   The rule is that when he starts a tantrum - he gets a short timeout.  And the timeout does not start until the tantrum stops.  He will go nuts for a while.  Just keep repeating - "as soon as you choose to stop your tantrum, the timeout will start and 2 min later you can ..."   Do not try to reason with him or talk with him while he is yelling.  You are just playing into his hands.
  Essentially, the rules for behavior modification are that there must be immediate, short, consistent consequences.   Do not expect overnight miracles.  It has taken him awhile to get to this point and it will take a while to relearn control.  But he will.
   I would also look into buying "Cool down and work through anger" or "When I feel angry". This is part of a series of books aimed at 4 to 7 year olds and meant to be read to them at night (several times) and then practiced.  Kids do need to be taught how to deal with anger.  You do not try and use these techniques while he is screaming.  But once he stops or later on in the day - you can refer back to them or pull the books back out.
You can find them here -  http://www.amazon.com/Cool-Through-Anger-Learning-Along/dp/1575423464/ref=pd_sim_b_5
   Hope this helps - it should:)  Oh, and do let me know if he has any younger siblings.  Best wishes.
Avatar universal
Hi to all  iam very very tierd  mom bcz  its been  3 years  i cant figure out what is wrong with my 7 years old son. He act very strangely . He dont know what he should  do and  not do .for example he never shy from speaking with adult never shay to be naked . He dont know why he go to school why should recpect the other . Why .... But in other hand he is smart  in school , he use iphone .ipad  what bring me her is that  may be he has cognative problem ???? Note (  he is seen by psychiatrist and each time had deferent diagnosis from generalize anxiety disorder to spearation anxiety to ADHD . And lastly the dr. Said he has bipolar disorder  bcz he has depress mood  some  time  and other time he appear happy  any idea plz help me iam in a damn country nothing is go straight    
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