odd sexual behaviour of my 10yr old boy

[worriedmum76]

I have been concerned about something for awhile now. Back when he was 6 he was invited to a bday party and the parents caught my son with another boy, said my son was taking the boys pants off. Of course living in a small town my boy has been punished by this ever since, of course they all talk and he has never been invited anywhere's again. They dont' want him around thier children, its extremly heartbreaking. NOW when i have gone to kiss him goodnight he has started to open his mouth to kiss me. I am extremly uncomfortable with this, when i say somethign he says "i'm sorry i forgot". But where would he learn this? I'm his mother not a lil girl. Here is where I am very curious, somethign i have not been comfortable with for years. When he stays at my mother in law's she has him sleep with her, has done this ever since he was little. We have told him we dont' want him sleeping in her bed, she is a grown woman there is no need for it. Even when she stayed here to watch our children for awhile she wanted him in our bed with her, his is across the hall and no problem he shouldn't be in his own. Am I wrong thinking that maybe all this behaviour has been coming from somethign she may be doing to him? I have asked him many times and he denies that anything is happening. PLEASE HELP

[kortnieg]

I grew up in a small town where my family was outcasts too. We couldn't afford to move either so my mom just paid the extra taxes and transfered us to a different school I'm a nearby town. I think it was the best thing my mom did for us. She drove us back and forth each day. When she started working again she enrolled us in girls inc and they would pick us up from school and mom would get us after work. It may be hard but it maybe a good idea to do something like that. Being outcasts can me emotionally damaging for a child. It may be a stress on u but its something to think about

[specialmom]

Well, think of the things I mentioned.  I was in a situation in which helping my kids out with friends became my job.  I don't know what special needs issues your daughters have and perhaps . . . I'm just throwing this out there, working on your son's social skills could be helpful as well as your daughters.  

I have things at my house weekly for my kids to be with friends.  Do you invite kids to your home?

I know many parents of kids my sons' ages because I get involved in things that put me in contact with them---  at their school, at our church and in our neighborhood.  Do you do that and do you have any connection to adults in your town yourself?

I ask because these are two keys in helping our kids socially.  And to be honest, unless you work on those two things----   a new place will not just fix it.  You may encounter folks without any preconceived notions about your kids, but you will still have to get the ball rolling for them.  

My son that had issues with friends went through social skills training by the way.  Very helpful.  
good luck

[worriedmum76]

I agree with all about not allowing him unsupervised with grandma, trust me.
I also understand special needs, we also have two girls with special needs. I have also previously brought up moving because of them too. We live in a small town, are not from here, so get treated like outcasts. It's not the kids i'm assuming that don't wanna invite my boy, it's the mothers, this mother blew this whole thing up and looked and it as way more than just curiosity.
Our girls get left out alot too cuz they aren't the same as the others, the kids here are really mean and parents aren't much better, so yes moving is sounding better and better by the minute again. This place and school ***** with special needs children, we have to fight and fight for them. If u don't play sports here u are nothing.

[specialmom]

I just want to go back to that he should not stay at your mother in laws.  Nope, not again.  Really, in this post you have insinuated that your mother in law is the cause of your son wanting to kiss open mouthed and possibly other things.  Really, at the point you have any worry about that, you take measures that maybe your mother in law won't like and is inconvenient to you--------  and curtail overnight visits and make all others supervised.  Don't back peddle on this once it is out there.  And you have now put that out there.  

As to the issue of friends, I do agree with Rockrose that something else could be going on.  If I was worried about a boy in our area being 'dangerous' in some way to my kids-----  but my son begged to played with him or wanted to at all, I'd have a regular play session at my house but be close by at all times.  

And hey, I've been in the situation of having a child that wasn't invited places (sad) and I made an effort.  My son has a developmental delay and has gone through times in which he felt left out and really . . . was.  I have fixed this for now by getting myself involved in things and building my own community of friends that relate to my son (through our school, our church, our neighborhood) and I've done a lot of inviting to our house.  I have made those play dates as fun as I could.  All of this has resulted in more and more invitations coming for my son.  He does have friends and gets invites.  It too effort on my part to get it going as it wasn't  happening naturally like it seemed to do for my younger son.  But none the less, we made it happen.

So, I just encourage you think of how you can help him along with friends.  By the way, another excellent resource is the school counselor.  Most schools run various programs for kids.  Our school has small group 'friendship' programs in which kids are placed together in groups of 6 and they work on various things with them.  They promote these kids having friends, using social skills, gaining confidence.  My son has done these and they have been great.

It would be nice to start over and move.  Maybe a goal for when you can at some point if it turns out you can't set up situations in which friendships grow.  Not everyone can just move, I understand that.  But when it comes to kids, drastic measures seem more do able.  

I wish you much luck and have high hopes for your son.  Peace

[RockRose]

worriedmum,  are you sure the reason he hasn't been invited to any other outings was that one incident at a birthday party?  Even in a small town,  that seems  a little hard to believe - although I guess its possible.  Usually there are some families who understand normal curiosity.  To ban an otherwise well-behaved and fun child from social activities over this one incident - is rare.  I would suspect that there are other things going on that are getting in the way of him forming friendships.

If that is TRULY the reason he's not being included,  and you've observed that he does well forming friendships with other children,  I agree you should move.  That's never "not an option",  it's always an option it just depends on how much you want to sacrifice to do it.  If you see his entire school career being ostracized from other children from this one minor incident,  it's time to move.   Even over to the next town where he can go to school and you can commute to work.

[worriedmum76]

well unfortunatly moving away right now is not an option, trust me i have thought of it.  He doesn't stay at her house that often. I have as well as my husband have voiced he isn't to sleep in her bed. I asked him why he was sleeping with her while we were away, he said it's because she washed his bed sheets and didn't remake his bed. Wow she is a grown woman, make the dam bed, seems like she's trying to give him reasons to sleep with her.  I have contacted a therapist. I don't come right out and ask him directly, I form questions in a different type of way. Actually was quite relieved when I asked him today if he likes sleeping with her or something along those lines and h responded "that's just wierd, why would u wanna always sleep with an old person". So maybe i'm jumping to conclusions but its' still wierd and not right of her. I am still going to meet with therapist.
We do have him in cubs, and he thoroughly enjoys it, he is in drama too, but his socializign with other children doesn't seem to go any further than that.

[allmymarbles]

Ditto. I would just add that I would not allow him to stay with the mother-in-law, and I would not her to stay overnight at the boy's home if his mother is not present. Feelings may get hurt, and the mother-in-law may not be the source of the problem, but she she has to be eliminated as a possibility.

[skepticalpeach]

I would also consider moving away. Start fresh somewhere else. You would also be farther away from your mother in law and she would have fewer excuses to come see him. You may also want to have him see a therapist. If something is going on he'll be more likely to tell someone besides his mom.

[specialmom]

Well, you are the boy's parent.  He doesn't need to spend the night at your mother in law's.  If you and your spouse agree that you do not want himto sleep with her and she will not abide by it, she loses her privelege for an over night.  I'd also just make visits happen when you are there.  Why worry that something horrible is going on?  Just take charge and set the boundary.

I'm sorry and sad that he is being left alone by the other kids. If you are able, I'd build some friendships with the kids your son would like to be friend with, with their parents.  Joining in school commitees is a good way to do that or join a book club, etc.  But you become friends with them and have your spouse try to do the same.  Then you can offer to have their child over for a supervised, in the main room of the house or back yard hang out session.  I'd also sign your boy up for sports or scouts or karate and things like that to help him build a connection.

good luck