personality change

[mika727]

I have always had a good relationship with my 21yr old son. About 4 months ago his personality changed from being the responsible,reliable,hardworking child to an angry,resentful young man. He hardly speaks to anyone, prefering to stay in his room until the next morning.
He studied IT away from home for 2 yrs, coming home at the beginning of the year. He has a responsible employment and works long hours doing more than is expected from him. His colleages hold him in awe,because he is knowlegeable & mature for his age.They admire & say what a wonderful young man he is. But at home with his family it is a totally different story. My 16yr old daughter is too scared to ask him any thing lest, he shouts at her.My car ,which he drives until he can afford his own , has actually been taken over by him.I have to ask to be picked up from work ,go to the shops at the risk of a tongue lashing. He also has a business after hours which keeps him busy on the internet after work.
It seems as if he is driven by achieving so much in a short time - before he is 22 he wants to own a house,car & be as far away from his family as possible.( which he has verbalised)
He is totally anti-drug & smoking, drinks beer when he meets his friends.My husband & I  are hurt by his attitude & unwillingness to communicate with us. It feels like we did not do our best financially or otherwise. My husband says he should leave the house on our terms, if he wants to so badly or pay rent which he has not done this year. How do we handle our son, that does not respect us & treats us as if we gave him the worst childhood ever ?  

[ethan452]

I'm sorry to hear about your son giving you so much grief.  Perhaps you should let him move out.  I know you are probably worried that he will not love you and this gives him an excuse to point to a bad childhood, but you cannot let him keep throwing that in your face in order to control you. If he wants to achieve his goals then he needs to do it on his own and not by standing on the backs of family members in such a rude and harmful way.

[Trialanderror]

I am sorry you have to experience this and I wish I had any sound advice. Initially the red flags for drug use went off which could cause such rapid change in behavior but you said he is anti-drugs and smoking.
My son`s dad, who is in his mid thirties, is acting in a similar way towards his own family and his family for sure is a great and caring one. He used to be an overachiever and a little hero in the eyes of his family and never deviated from this path until he graduated as an engineer. He then turned against his family for no known reason. His resentment was mainly directed against his father but he was and remained an angry young man overall to date and is the passive-aggressive type who refuses to communicate but will jump out of his cave like a maniac on occasion.
I just wanted to point out that many young men are angry and - just by my own observation - it always has something to do with the father-son relationship. Also, kids who are surprisingly well-behaved during toddlerhood and puberty can feel the urge to stop being a family pleaser. He may just have some delayed "puberty" on his way to true independence and it will take lots of patience to see him do the final growing-up.
Having said that, by no means would I allow him to act angry towards any of you nor being taken advantage of in a materialistic way. Get your car back, help him to move on and out. Set new limits. If there are no drugs involved and his change happened during his university days, you may also look into what groups he hung out with. My own brother temporarily joined a far-left-wing group at that age just to be anti-something and depending on their agenda, a young adult can easily think that the way he was brought up was the beginning of "all evil in the world". Of course you should not snoop around behind your son`s back but it may also be interesting to know what kind of internet business he is doing after hours. Can you ask him straight out?
Anyway, don`t feel crushed. There is only so much that you can do. Just make sure you maintain the upper hand in your household. Good luck and hope you get more answers!