When to tell son who his real father is?

[shedstrom74]

Hi, I am wondering if anyone has had experience with this?? I married after dating FB for only a short time and finding out I was pregnant. Within 4 weeks, my new husband became abusive, physically and mentally. I was able to get out before my son was born, and our divorce was final one month before he was born. FB saw my son a few times during his first 6 months of life, but after numverous times of having to call the police on him for his abusive behavior and getting a restraining order, I filed for full custody. In the middle of that ordeal, FB told me he just wanted to terminate his parental rights, which I agreed with because he was not fit in any way to care for my son. When my son was only 5 months old, I met the man who he would end up calling dad. We moved out of state when my son was 18 months old, and married when he was 2 1/2. My new husband SH formally adopted my son. We had always planned to tell him the truth (that SH was not his biological father) when he got a little older. SH and I had another son when my oldest was 3. We were a very happy, healthy family. When my oldest was 4 1/2 my husband was diagnosed with cancer and died 6 months later. We had not told him the truth yet because we felt he was too young, and then after dealing with the death of his father, I waited. I always had the idea that 10 would be a good age to tell him. He is now ten, and I feel very strongly that I should explain everything. We are back living in my home state where his biological dad lives, but have had no contact with him. He has been in prison since then for trying to kill a girlfriend, and has at least 2 other children since my son. When I do tell him the truth, I know exactly how I am going to say it. I am just wondering, do you think this is a good time/age for him? I am just very afraid that he will find out before I get the chance to tell him. Also, if you have had a similar situation, can you advise how you went about it yourself? Thank you very much.

[nikknacc]

Hello my 10 year old meet his biological father for the first time last night. The meeting was as awakard as they come, going home after a long day of work, pulling into my apartment complex he was just standing there, it felt to me as if i had seen a ghost. I paused, he paused and we just starred at each other.He walked up to the car we talked for about 2 minutes and he said that he would come around to my house to continue the conversation. As i entered into my home my thoughts were racing, i reached out to a family member  i told him i didn't want to say anything he told me yes i need to say something to my son that is. I thought long and hard and i told him whom the guy was. He said he wanted to meet him,about an hour later he came knocking on my door he walked in nervous looking.He was not nothing like himself to what i remember this is way i was so hesitate to intruduce the two. They meet, my son had a nervous smile the entire time, i told him he could leave out and go back to his room so that we could talk.My old boyfriend that meet when he was just 1 has been in his life the entire time that is the guy he calls dad, that is the one he knows takes care of him and that his bio father is just that of a name.I feel more emotional than my son, he dosen't express his emotions he is just 10 so i get it.My question is do i just answer his questions if he has them later or do i push the conversation about the two meeting?

[LookBackinAnguish]

I have agonized over this for years.  In this case, I am the biological father.  I was dating a woman, the love of my life, who was separated from her husband.  After a whirlwind romance, her husband found out and showed up on my doorstep in tears, wanting her back.  A few weeks later, she told me she was pregnant. My choice was to A, continue our romance, but she would abort the baby, or B, she would reconcile with her husband and raise the baby as his (he was actually trying to get her pregnant at the time). I was horrified that she would kill our baby, so I made a deal with God to give her up so that my child would live.  A few years later she divorced and married a Moslem, who is very conservative. Every time I tried to contact her and visit the child, she would move! I chose my graduate school based on where they were living and she then moved several states away and I lost contact.

I tried to hire a private detective, but they acted like I was some horrible monster and wouldn't take the case.  I am now in touch with the young man (28) in question. I have a genetic mutation that causes the blood to clot easily, which would put him in danger of developing a pulmonary embolus that could kill him on one of the many flights he takes each year to see his grandparents in Argentina.  I actually have three clotting abnormalities. I love this man with all my heart and would never want to do anything to hurt him, but his biological mother broke her promise to tell him about his paternity because she is afraid of her husband. And she refuses to tell him about this gene!
I never had any rights to this man, his father who raised him loved him and he loved him back. Until he died from early dementia. I just want my son to live and be happy, without me if that is what it takes. I have prayed for him since I learned he had been conceived. We have so much in common, and he is taking after my family with his ADHD, bipolar, addiction, and depression. I did give him a high IQ, the same as mine.

I don't want to hurt him or depress him or question the love that his legal father gave him. I don't want the stepfather to hurt his mother (she is afraid of him for some reason). He is doing so well in college after a couple rough starts, and I am afraid to put a monkey wrench into it.   I am paralyzed with guilt and depression and fear. Help!
  

[stacie_hennessey]

I think you'd be putting him through too much. What will you do when he wants to meet the abusive father? Bringing him back in you and his life is a bad idea for both of your safety

[karennager68]

My son is now 19.  His biological father died when he was 6 months old of a drug overdose.  I never met any of my husbands family until the day of the funeral and havent heard anything from them since.  I remarried when my son was about a year and half old and my current husband is the only father he has known.  I eventually changed my sons name on his birth certificate to my current husband, but the certificate still shows my former husband as his dad.  My current husband didn't adopt him because my son was receiving social security death benefits and i have saved quite a bit of money for him since he was 6 months old to 19 years old.  My dilemma is now my son wants to go to Rocky Point and will need his birth certificate to get a passport.  At his current age he would have to consent to an adoption so my current husband could be listed as his father but he doesn't know about his real dad.  Should I tell him???

[nellytex]

I am in a very tough situation. Before I met my girlfriend she was in a relationship with a violent man, who use to hit her and threaten her, he was also involved in selling drugs and a few shootings. when she got pregnant by him he skipped out and denied the child was his. That's when I met her, when the child was born I was probably the second face he ever saw besides my girlfriends. eventually her ex was arrested for some crimes he committed. its been 5 yrs and her son calls me dad, in fact I am the only male figure in his life. we play everyday, take baths together, go to amusement parks, I buy him every and anything he wants, we have a strong, deep, emotional bond. now her ex contact her and said hes being released and wants to be in the boys life and my girlfriend is actually considering it. what should I do?

[Tyger22]

David,

Same situation happened to me. My son played hockey and recently has retired from the game, I went to all his games and just watched from afar not wanting to disrupt his hockey career.

I do feel a closeness to him and think he should know, I contacted his bio mother and she deleted me from her face book and blocked me.

Any advice?

[dispatch19]

Im also in the same boat.. Im planning on sitting my children down and explaining to them who there non biological dad is... he is the man that stepped in when I was left behind. pregnant with twins. as there bilogical father ran and wasn't ready for fatherhood. I just feel that they need to know so things don't get worse in life for them or they don't have questions later in life. or the worse feeling is to have someone else tell them the truth.  so just know that it MUST COME FROM YOU THE PARENT THAT'S INVOLVED. its important that it comes from YOU and only you. just don't lie to your children if they have questions... thats what my pycologist and counselor said. just be honest.. the younger the better. hope this helps a little.

[julz679]

I told my son the truth as a matter of fact style. Not a sit down I have soemething SCARRY and SERIOUS to tell you. He will be 10 in March.Children have the right to the TRUTH or they'll feel. The one they trusted the most LIED to them EVEN  for thier own good. It's a LIE. I have good communication with my sons. Sex, where babies come from, menstration, pedophiles...As christians I explained the differant kinds of fathers. Heavenly father GOD, bio/sperm dad, and a dad that CHOSE to make you his special son. He said. Why didn't I tell him before. I explained that because now he is smarter and could REALLY understand what I was talking about. That was just DAYS ago. So far. He is daddy boy no matter what. I TRULY give GOD the honor and praise for me being able to do this. I just couldn't lie to my son. No not me. I pray this helps.

[punk42]

My mother remarried when I was a baby. I didn't remember my bio father but my brother who is three yrs older did. My step father adopted us then my mother and he had a son. I can't say my step father was a bad father, he wasn't but he always favored his biological son over my brother and I esp when we got older. I found out by accident when I was 12 yrs old my step father was not my bio father. I found out when I was 30 yrs old my bio father tried to see us but my mother wouldn't let him. I finally found out about him two years ago, he died a couple of years after my mother did, she was 62 when she died, he was 67. All I have is pictures of him and testimony from a relative that he really wanted to see us. I feel cheated because I was denied seeing him or having a relationship with him. Also from the pictures when he was young and when I was young we look alike eye color, mouth, shape of face, only thing that doesn't look alike is nose, I guess I got my mothers nose. I think children should have an option regarding whether they want to see their bio parents and the custodial parent should not prevent it. I have forgiven my mother and I know she thought she was doing the right thing and I'm glad I at least found out about him, but deep down I still feel cheated. Maybe if my step father had thought about my brother and I the same as he did his real son I would feel differently on the other hand is that even possible. There's the old saying blood is thicker than water. signed a daughter who feels cheated.

[mdbaby79]

from personal experience ( as a son )  the truth is always the right decision even if it causes pain, hurt anger etc because the lies will do exactly that anyway and he'll feel you let him down loads by never having the courage/ honesty to give him the truth however he finds out in the end

[Richelle221]

You will know when the time is right, when they show the maturity to handle Things in his own way and it's a good way he is mature enough! To soon could cause an idenity problem for them. Good luck and best wishes for both of you!

[specialmom]

Thanks mama for sharing your story!  I think that will be helpful to many folks and you handled things very well.  Yep, your a good mama!  

[mama2003]

I know your original post is old but I stumbled upon it. I have 3 children, and all 3 have different bio-dads. I got pregnant young (16) and my first husband and I were living together for a few years before we separated. Even after separation we were the best of friends and trying to work things out, we loved each other but had trouble living together so we raised DD together, but living apart.

I started casually dating someone else, and even though I used a condom AND was on the pill, somehow I concieved a baby. I was not in a committed relationship with DS's father, and my ex wanted to raise DD and DS together as a family (and accept him as his own). Unfortunately my ex suffered from Bipolar Disorder (the reason we were living apart) and took his own life while I was pregnant.

I moved to a new city, changed my last name and started a whole new life with DD. A couple of months after moving (still pregnant) I made a new friend who would (unexpectedly) become my husband. My DD started calling him daddy on her own when she was 3 years old, and we never corrected her. She still has close contact with her bio dad's mom and siblings and she knows that she has a "daddy paul" (bio dad, name changed) in addition to her "real" daddy. We call my husband her "real daddy" because in this house your "real" parents are the parents that love and raise you. It's biology that's the irrelevant factor in this house.

My daughter's "other" family treat my boys (DH and I also have one child between us) exactly the same and they are all considered grandkids and nephews. They ask questions (they are 8,5,2) and we answer them honestly at their own age level.

My 8 year old has specified that she does NOT want to hear about her bio dad. Everyone respects those wishes. She wants to be part of this family and that's that. HOWEVER we have told her since DAY ONE about having another dad, and it's just as normal to her as anything.

My 5 year old has started to ask now "was Daddy paul my daddy too?" and I said "no, but you do have another dad like Lexi does and yours is different" and he said "did he die too?" and I said "no, he didn't die, but he's not around because you already have daddy, what do you need an extra daddy for?" I also explained that when parents get a baby they do "mommy daddy kissy stuff" (haha, ok, I'm not perfect) and the baby goes in the mom's belly. I explained that even though I did mommy daddy kissy stuff with someone else to MAKE him, it was Daddy who was there when I was pregnant, and when he was born and he's always been there.

He said "ok" and never talks about it. My DD recently told her friends "I'm german because my daddy's german" knowing full well her bio dad was italian.

I know this is long winded, but the point I'm trying to get at is I know from experience that when a child is raised knowing about this... it's not a big deal. My kids have known from day one that they have "other dads" and not only do they not bring it up, but they don't care! They both have the position that their daddy is their daddy and that's that!

I think kids that seek out their natural parents usually do so because of that "bombshell" moment other posters referred to. My kids have always recieved the (age appropriate) truth and it's just a fact of life for them. They don't talk about it ever. We all have the same last name, and my husband has been daddy as long as any of them can remember.

We don't consider ourselves a step-family at all, we're just a family :) I say, go ahead and tell your son if you feel he is still YOUNG enough, but contrary to other posters I DO NOT think it's better to wait until they're older. The older they get, the more it hurts their sense of identity when the "lie" they've been living comes crashing down around them. You might be surprised... if you approach it in the right way (explaining it as a scientific fact and NOT referring to the other man as a "dad" because he wasn't a "dad" he was never around). I think you'd be surprised how much your son can handle.

That of course depends on your own situation and your own kid, and only you can make that decision. :)

[mahsgirl]

You should tell him.  My step-dad has been like my father sine I was 3.  I couldn't ask for anyone better in my life.  It's nothing you should be ashamed of and you should make that clear to your son that it's nothing he should be ashamed of.  It takes anyone to be a father but someone special to be a dad.

[mahsgirl]

Hi,
I am 21 years old and I live with my mom and step-dad.  I do not have contact with my biological father; however, my step-dad has been there for me since I was 3 years old so he's been my dad since I can remember.  Anyway, I grew up as an only child.. spoiled.. overly loved.. etc.. well this past December my Dad (step-dad) found out he has a 19 year old son.  It was shocking and amazing news.  I wasn't quite sure how to handle it.. (I still live at home so I got to see both parents reactions).  

You see, my dad dated this girl 19 years ago and she moved to out of state.. she failed to tell my dad that she was indeed pregnant with his child... so years pass and he continues to live his life- coaching my soccer team- being an active parent in my life.  Well, his son, my step-brother, ended up contacting my mom through facebook because it was the only way he could get ahold of my dad (my brothers mom had told him my dads name when he was younger so he went his whole life knowing my dads name and never being able to contact him).. anywho.. my mom and dad took a trip to the state in which he lived and found out that he's lived a pretty rough life- in and out of foster care- getting into trouble etc.. well to make a long story short, he now lives with us and I find it very difficult to cope.

I feel like it's my responsibility to find him friends.. to get him out there.. to make him feel like home in our city; however, it's a lot harder than it seems.  He used to get into a lot of trouble with the law and really lacks common sense but he's very intelligent book wise.  I just feel hopeless.  I want him to be happy- I want my parents to be happy- I WANT TO BE HAPPY.  It all happened so fast and I feel like I have this overwhelming sense of responsibility for him and his happiness... I'm not sure how to find him 'friends' he's a few years younger than me and doesn't drink or smoke (weed or cigarettes) which I do all three.  I am not about to become a bad influence on someone whose been given a brand new start in a brand new town...

UGH I don't know.. can anyone help me out on this???  How do I cope.. HELP!! IM COMPLETELY LOST AND HOPELESS.

[specialmom]

Well, your mind seems made up and I guess you just wanted confirmation.  I still feel like you are overstepping your bounds.  Perhaps this will cause problems with this man that you aren't aware of.  Perhaps it will cause the man he knows as FATHER to have some issue---  all for the sake of reuniting him with a stranger that is dying.  I don't know.  If the people that were invovled with the situation from the begining----  the parents don't want to do it and you feel you know better than everyone, then there is no stopping you.  It could go either way.  I wonder if some of this has to do with your grief over your dad yourself.  I'm sorry that he is sick.  good luck with whatever happens.

[Mark51yrs]

Based on his appearance and information obtained from my parents, he is definitely my father's son.....he looks more like my father than I do.  So this is not the question, something that can be confirmed by DNA testing.

The real question in my mind is does he have the right to know his history?  I believe so.

[specialmom]

In all sincerity, I think you are overstepping your bounds.  He has a life and he may NOT EVEN BE THIS MAN'S CHILD.  You don't know for sure and your desire to get involved seems a little bit more about what you want and concerns me about your motivation.  He may be perfectly happy and not need this intrusion into his life.  Hindsight could also show you that taking matters into your own hands was a bad decision as well.  good luck

[Mark51yrs]

Very good advice and similar to most of what I've heard from family and friends.  I appreciate this is the "parents' secret but when it potentially effects the rest of the family, it becomes our secret.  He should know the truth and have the opportunity to pursue this further.  Also, his genetic history may be important as he gets older (my father has been battling prostrate cancer).  The decision to contact him may only be realized as a good/bad decision in hindsight!

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Welcome to the forum.  I just happened to see your post tagged onto an older one and thought I'd respond.  Ya know, there is no proof that your dad is this mans bio dad.  And the 'parents' are not wanting to pursue this.  This man has no idea and this may really rock  his world.  Perhaps the man he knows as DAD doesn't know either and this could cause problems.  I think that I would let this go.  I know that is hard----  but this isn't your secret to tell, really.  Good luck dear

[Mark51yrs]

I have a much different situation but would appreciate feedback.  I'm 51 years old and found out recently that my father had an affair with another woman when married to my mother.  A child was conceived between them but the son has never been told about this relationship and his bio-father.  He grew up (now 45) knowing only the father married to his mother (they divorced when he was 7 yrs old).  I spoke with his mother and she denied having that kind of relationship with my father but requested I not pursue it any further.  I have seen pictures and a video of him and he looks much like my father and me.  My father admits to the possibility but doesn't want me to pursue any further either.  He is not in good health and 75 yrs old.  Should I contact my "brother" and let him know?

[Becky1570]

I just found out on FB that my dad might not be my dad.  Both of my parents passed away and my possible bgiological father told me that my Mom told him she was pregnant but that she wanted to marry my dad.  So he joined the army and came back to town a couple of times, trying to find a way to tell me.  He even visited our family, although I don't remember.  I do kind of look like him and his kids.  I guess the only way to find out would be DNA testing.  I have so many feelings.  I feel guilty even considering having a relationship, but i'm also curious.  Of course, health history is important to know.  I haven't told anyone else except my husband.  I wish my Mom were alive so I could ask her.  I don't know if my dad (that raised me) even knew.

[specialmom]

Well, one would think that she could remember but the mind can also have a way of protecting itself by going numb and blanking out something that causes you pain.  Or she may well remember but not want to tell you or talk about it.  

It sounds like a hard situation.  good luck

[dallaszombie345]

Thanks Special Mom. I will never treat my daughter any different - I love her; she will always be my little princess.

I just need to know, is it possible fjor a woman not to remember who the father could be??

I can certainly recall who I was sleeping with at the time we were broke up.

I doubt my daughter will ever find out.