Kindergarten Troubles

[momoftwoRN]

My son started all day public Kindergarten two weeks ago.  He's one of the older and therefore more advanced kids in the class. (He can count by 5's, 10's, 100's...he reads simple books like Laura Numeroff's or Dr. Suess...and knows basic addition and can do some subtraction.  As far as maturity goes...he's on par or mabey behind some of the other kids.  He's allready received notes home three days saying that he is not "following the rules".  Twice, we've emailed the teacher and asked for specific examples so that we can reinforce the rules at home but we haven't received any details.  Despite all of this, he is completing all of his school work and doing an excellent job (even his teacher agrees that he really puts effort into his work).  My son says he got in trouble for getting out of line in the hall one day and the other day he did not line up right when the teacher called the class from recess.  He said his foot was stuck " on the playground thing" and he was "too slow to line up".  Mabey his foot was stuck.  Mabey it wasn't.  Even with the lack of details from the teacher, I'm pretty sure I know what's happening.  At home, he still has trouble with following direction the first time we ask him to do or not do something.  We have made clear to him what privilages he will lose if there is not a smiley face in his folder and what reward he will get if there is one.  He's allready starting to say he doesn't want to go to school and that he's "just so worried" that he "won't make it through the day without getting a frowny face".  I can tell that he really wants to please and do well but his will to do what he wants to do is too often winning out over what he knows he should do.  As silly as this sounds, trying to "follow the rules" almost seems to physicall exhaust him.  I know that he has to adapt to the structure of school but my question is....how can I help him to listen better to his teacher yet not lose all of his will and become a little robot.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Before deciding how to appraoch this matter, it is important to obtain details from his teacher. It may be that your son's transgressions are pretty minor, but are occurring in the context of having a strict teacher with pretty rigid expectations. On the other hand, his behavior might indicate more oppositionality. There's no way to know without meeting with the teacher and finding out. If his violations of school rules are met with a brief time out in school, it is likely he will do better. At home you can do the same. It is not necessary that children comply with a direction the first and only time it is stated, but certainly it is reasonable to expect that compliance will follow after the direction is repeated one time. Hopefully you are not in the habit at home of issuing directions over and over again. That would be a sure formula for not taking you seriously. If you are a regular reader of this Forum, it won't surprise you that I'm recommending you read Lynn Clark's book SOS Help for Parents. While I may sound like the proverbial broken record about this, there is no better guide to managing childhood behavior problems. The solution to your son's behavior problem in school is likely very simple, but you have to learn the details first.

[RockRose]

What is your home life like?  The reason I ask,  mine is extremely lax,  and I will tell my kids many times to do something without giving them consequences.  Is your home like that too?  Maybe he just doesn't have a lot of practice with listening and stepping into form right then.  Which,  in the grand scheme,  won't harm him unless he desires a military career.  ;D

I think you could help him enjoy school by taking the pressure off him getting smiley faces every day.  It sounds like he's trying,  and he's academically ahead,  and it's not like he's smarting off to the teacher or popping other kids with sticks.  

He's a little slow to line up,  and kind of dreamy about coming in from recess.  Not really bad qualities in a boy.  

Best that he enjoy school and feel relaxed about it -

Best wishes.  

[jd1419]

Sometimes we are so tough on our kids and try to make them listen  and follow all the rules everywhere they are--It is hard to know what to do.  But maybe at home you need to make sure that he feels that he can do things and feel good about it.. I am not saying that he is not follow what you say but maybe let him know that you will ask him to do something two times before he loses his smiley face or goes to time out.  He may feel that at school and at home that everybody is always asking him to do things without anyone ever asking him what he needs.  
Also schedule a conference with the teacher.  I can not beleive in this day and age that they do not understand that all children for the most part will listen and do what is told but that there are days when they really are busy playing and they may not hear them the first time that they need to line up or stop the activity and start something new.  See if face to face whe will give you the answers of what is actually going on at school...and if she says well he didn't line up in a timely manner--ask was he asked more than one time and not able to do it or was he asked and then he said one minute I'm stuck--see if she is putting too much pressure on your son to be perfect or if she is like this with all the kids...Good Luck