Hi experts. our family is a brady bunch +2...4 boys 4 girls. I had custody of all my 4, my wife all hers, when we got married. About a year ago my stepdaughter was acting out in some moderate sexual ways (she was 5 at the time of this acting out). She was climbing on friends and wanting to rub herself on or with others (friends or cousins). In investigating further my wife was told that about a year prior to her acting out (so she would have been 4 at this time), that my son (6 or maybe barely 7 at this time) had touched her private parts. My son does have impulse control issues stemming from a genetic problem. He did show signs of preoccupation with private parts a bit more than our other children, opening doors when a sibling used the potty, then laughing or pulling down a swimsuit to show his bare butt jumping off the diving board. We would speak with him about appropriate behavior, but had written it down to curiosity and somewhat "normal". We had never witnessed him being aggressive sexually. My wife told me that my stepdaughter had told her of fairly aggressive touching and that it had happened about 10 months or more prior to anything being reported. We only know this time delay was at least 10 months, because the report was that it had happened at our "old house" and never at our "new house" which move we'd made 10 months prior. We had professional help come to our house with behavioral therapists, made a call to Child Services. Child Services came out, saw that we'd put in motion sensors, had a safety plan of line of sight supervision, had discussed boundaries, etc. and determined that my step daughter would be safe. After a little more than a month from the report, I made a change of custody to my ex wife where she took my son. I did this out of fear of all my wife was expressing about how my son was a predator, was becoming a rapist. I didn't know exactly what to believe. I believed and believe my wife that something probably happened and maybe more than once. But knowing that it had stopped on its' own without us knowing about it at least 10 months prior, gave me hope that with counseling and diligence, we could all heal. My son has always maintained either "I didn't do it" or "I can't remember". My ex wife has consistently reinforced him in the "I didn't do it", as she does not believe he could have done anything like this. So unfortuantely he has such pressure on him that there is not a right answer to anything. He kept up the "I don't remember" with his counselor (specialist recommended by the state who focuses only on these kinds of issues). The counselor never pressed much for admission, but focused instead on safety. I learned this focus toward the end of his 12 sessions. I was dissapointed, because I wanted my son to acknowledge whatever he had done. I wanted him to know that he was loved no matter what and that admitting would be a first step to real healing. The counselor disagreed and said understanding safety was all that mattered. Without an admission, integration has been very difficult. I'm still grappling with how much happened and how early, and was there possibility of something different, something more, something less?? My questions are basically this?
1. How early does a boy form sexual urges that are "true urges" and not curiosity about body parts? This will help answer questions about a 6-7 year old boy being a rapist or predator...
2. If my son has been touched, or seen pornography or something, would this make his sexual desires "come awake" at an age as early as 6? That he would be a predator looking for gratification? Or would he have seen/experienced something and then wanted to repeat out of curiosity or something else??
3. If it was predatory and sexual gratification and such a sexually charged thing, why would it have stopped on it's own for nearly a year (and not have repeated after that year)?
4. Can a 3-4 year old remember things after 10 months or more? Can they give accounting such as clothing she may have been wearing, time of day, etc? She does like to tattle tale more than our other children, and so it is surprising to me that nothing was said as it was happening. My wife tells me that this is because my son likely scared her into "submission" or some form of coercion.
5. My stepdaughter did touch herself on her privates, in the bath and also kind of scratching/digging at her privates. But it never seemed to be any kind of attempt at masturbation, it seemed more that she was feeling it was irritated. She also would wet the bed (not too often) but would often pee in her underwear throughout the day. Not all out let everything go, but would tinkle a bit, then get to the bathroom. My wife says these are all signs that abuse happened and not just curiosity, and these are the signs of trauma.
6. I'm just trying to figure out based on the ages, and the difference of age between them (3 years), where I should be in all this. I'm wanting so much to make sure my step daughter is safe, so much so that I gave up custody of my son because of the intense fear of my wife (and my own fears too) that it could happen again. The more I've studied these issues it seems to me that my wife's suspicions and labels would be more appropriate if the difference in age were greater, and especially if my son's age had been closer to puberty (maybe at least 10 years old or so). Let me be clear, I do believe that something(s) happened. I don't know for sure, and that kills me. But I do believe. I just don't know how much or what to rely on. My son's counselor wrapped up sessions, telling us that my son doesn't really need anything further. My wife is adamant that we get an admission or else we can't start healing. I would like an admission too, but I want to just know the truth. I don't care how ugly it is, I will love him and my wife truly will too. Nearly another year has passed since my son went to live with my ex and so now, who know how much anyone knows/remembers... Who knows how much they knew/remembered when we first found out... This issue kills us. I really want to be supportive and I feel I've made the hardest decision of my life, having him leave me and become a part time dad to him.
Any experts (please even more than one) please help me to understand all this. I want to do the right thing for everyone involved. But I'm not an expert, and I could really use an understanding of this enormous issue. Thank you all for reading, I'm so sorry to be so lengthy...