You may also want to be very sepecific with what you want to happen... like in giving him orders, you may want to tell him the effects if he will do those things. Telling him that you are his mother may mean that you are imposing authority on him. Since you've also mentioned that he is so manipulative, those kinds of personality hates it when they think they are being controlled and would end up opposing your ideas. you may also want to control your temper. Some children are really enjoying it when they see that their parents are getting angry with the things they do.
Sounds to me like you may have some underlying issues that may need sorting out before you attempt to fix his. I don't say this to be mean, but I have been in your shoes. My son, the same age, has the same reactions to my requests. And for a long time I would excuse my outbursts at him because he "set me off." When in all reality, he learned his short tempered behavior from me. I was easily annoyed by little things, and when things didn't go my way, (like the kids not doing as I say) it would anger me. It took a while to take a step back and look at the situation from afar and see the problem wasn't my son, but the environment in which he was living. Children who are raised in hostile environments, no matter how severe...or not, act as they are treated. There has to be a mutual respect. If you want your child to do a chore or even a small favor, ask them in a voice as you were asking a friend, relative or any person you respect. If the response is still the same explain why you need their help. If that doesn't work, set aside a few minutes so the two of you can have a talk and explain, calmly, that as he grows he is going to be expected to perform certain chores around the house and help out as needed. Remember to mention how much this help is appreciated and how important it is to the whole family. The important thing is to stay calm and not to react, or overreact, to the situation. It may just be a stage, but it is better to nip it in the bud now rather than allow it to become a lifestyle for the both of you. This helped in our house, and its not to say we don't have our days, but we have come a long way...
I have tried "the look" with my daughter and she goes like: "Mamy, why are you looking at me like that and move on". WE were raised differently. There was much more "respect" although I think it was more "FEAR" than respect. I behaved very good as a child, and my parents gave me "the look" you are talking aboit many times and that was it. This generation is different.... too bad for us but we can't expect the same. However, You should expect RESPECT and he should be "punished" when he disrespects you! by taking away privileges and stuff. He needs to know that you are the BOSS, like Cesar Milan the dog training (I don't know if you ever see that show but you are the leader of your pack,,, your family,,,,, so! GOOD LUCK!!!!! Don't expect less.... just do it differently ok!!!! and something I learned is that sometimes we give kids too many choices and they get confused so when you talk to him give him only two choices.. "You can clean your room now or help mommy" and then (after he chyooses and follows through, you praise him by telling him I know you could do it!!! You are a great boy! Try to "externalize the problem" Like when he does something bad don't say you are a bad boy, or you always this and that..... let him know you DONT like his behavior, but you love him. That behavior is NOT WHO HE IS, it's just a reaction, a "fake" persona that takes over at times because he feels sad, angry or sad inside..... and you as a mother will teach him to control/understands when he has BIG feelings that make him act like that -bad- I hope thuis is useful.
Thank you very much ... you are probably right. Maybe I do expect too much. I just know growing up ,My mom and Dad would just give us THE LOOK! and thats all we needed, it never went any further, and I probably expect that from him.Thank you again!
Does your husband has more seccess asking him to do things? One thing that helps is to create a chart of things he needs to do at home, no negotiation and he will get a reward at the end of the week if he does it, otherwise he will get something he likes/enjoys taken away from him. Try to praise him whenever he does something good. I know this is very very very difficult but try to praise him as much as possible. Like" "Oh see how great you did this and that... or you have been very helpful today, etc... do reverse psychology nasically. Do what he does not expect. It's better to get the help you need NOW instead of later, when he starts hiting you and disrespecting you even more. Remind him that he lives in YOUR house, he has a room that YOU are allowing him to stay in YOUR house, therefore, he needs to live by YOUR RULES and that's it!!!!! Forget about him being TOO intelligent, maybe you are pushing him TOO much to be in thie "spacial" programs,,, most kids have high IQ and parents put a lot of pressure on them to "achieve". remember the ultimate goal is for him and you to BE HAPPY!!!!! That's it and live in PEACE!!! You can do it. Get help from a psychologist or clinical social worker otherwise. Oh, and let him burn all the energy he has, plenty of sports and healthy eating. Maybe he thinks he can never please you because you expect too much from him, or that for him to be loved he needs to perform somehow. I bet you he just wants to be a kid.