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3 year old scratching herself
My family has had a rough year. My children were recently returned home and visiting their grandparents every other weekend. My 3 year old I have noticed major behavioral changes in and I am being told she is just being testy to see what she can get away with. What I am concerned about is why she is cutting herself with her fingernails until it bleeds. I ask her what happened and she says it was the cat but we don't own one. And when she came home from her grandparents home it was not there. Could this just be attention seeking behavior or could it be a possible emotional problem. The reason I am worried is because I have mental health disorders myself.
I agree with Dr. Kennedy - that self-mutilation of any kind is a sign of emotional distress. Do you have open communication with your daughter (as much as can be expected with a 3-yr-old)? My daughter would talk any day, any time ... my son, however, kept things inside of him. I had no idea how much emotional pain he was in over his father's departure until one evening, many months into one of our separations .. I always made a point to read 1 or 2 books (of their choice), followed by a short devotional and prayer (I used children's devotional books) with my kids every night for about 45 min or an hour before they went to sleep (sometimes longer, if time permitted). This served a couple of purposes - it was a way for me to provide spiritual training and instruction (with the devotionals) as well as introduce them to the wonderful world of literature (yes, we read ALL the children's classics! We owned more books and sets of books than we did anything else in our house!) and instill in them a life-long love of reading. Most importantly, it was a way to "spend time with my kids," giving them my "undivided attention" - to show them how important they were to me - not only as my children, but as individual people. It was also my way of providing something that was "routine" - they knew without a doubt that the hour before betime was the time we read books and had devotions - and that NEVER changed, whether their dad was there or not. Kids need the stability of "routine" of some sort. And for me, personally, since I believe in God, it was a way for me to also teach my kids that even if they don't feel they can talk to me about some problem or something that's worrying or distressing them, they can always talk to God. I think it's really important that kids know they have someone they can talk to. I try to be always available to my kids emotionally and physically, so I would always encourage them to talk to me ...
But my son always kept things bottled up. For kids like that, the most profound conversations take place while your chatting during the daily and mundane routines in life (like, while washing the dishes with them as you're teaching them about doing chores and "pitching in," or while you're going for a walk in the park or woods, or even watching a movie together). The point is, you have to make the time to take the time with your kids. If they feel like you're a "stranger" to them, they're less likely to "open up" to you. But sometimes, as in my son's case, no matter how "close" you are to them, they don't "open up and share deep feelings" because that's just their personality. So you have to be accepting of that, too ... but my telling him he can always talk to God if he doesn't feel comfortable telling me, I gave him the option of having someone else to "confide" in.
During that one devotion, we said a prayer afterword. The devotion was something about heaven, and how we get there. My son would usually say something or ask a question or 2 during devotions, but I noticed that that night he became unusually quiet. I could just "sense" something heavy on his heart ... all of a sudden he burst into tears and started crying uncontrollably and wouldn't stop. Finally, in between deep heaves and sighs, he said, "I'm afraid Dad won't go to heaven, and I want him to." That completely stunned me ... I was blind-sided by it. I had no idea whatsoever that he had such a fear in his heart - that his dad wouldn't go to heaven - or that it was affecting him emotionally to that extent. That let me know that yes, he "pays attention" to our behavior and relationships, and that he knew that his dad's drinking and subsequent behavior were "wrong," and he worried about his Dad "paying the consequences" of that behavior (I never bad-mouthed their dad to them - because I didn't want them to harbor anger, hatred, bitterness or unforgiveness in their hearts towards him, because those things eat away at us on the inside - I wanted to help my children get through this stuff and be emotionally healthy and stable adults in the end - which they are).
The point is, the more you try to communicate with your daughter, the more you increase the likelihood of "having a relationship" with her - which is what she really, really craves and needs on the inside. Tell her if she's angry with you about anything that she can tell you - that you won't be mad at her for feeling that way, and that you understand. Anger is a valid emotion - we can't deny it or sweep it under the rug and pretend it's not there. The same with "hurt." Our children should always feel free to come to us with any problem - knowing we won't be mad at them or "invalidate" or "trivialize" their feelings, hurt, pain, anger, etc. We need to help our kids "resolve" anger and pain and teach them to deal with it and work through it in a constructive, healthy manner, if we want them to be emotionally healthy and stable adults.
Children are amazingly resilient - they have the capacity to "bounce back" from quite a lot, mentally and emotionally (despite our mistakes as parents). It is excellent that you "see" that she is having problems of emotional distress - and that you want to take action now and not wait until it goes on for a long period of time. Your quick, decisive action is going to make all the difference in your daughter's "healing" and emotional well-being.
One more thing - Don't sentence your daughter to a lifetime of "mental health disorders" at age 3 already - be positive and take steps to help her become emotionally and mentally stable and mature - just because those problems "run in your family" doesn't mean she will have them, by no means. Don’t ever instill in her that “she’s likely to inherit them” (or has already). So often, children become what we tell them over and over that they are or will become … PARENTS are the biggest and most valuable influence in our children’s lives. They look to US for guidance and support - WE are the mirror to our children’s souls – what “reflection” do you want your daughter to see, when she looks to you?? What YOU think of her is what is important to her. We are (and eventually become) who and what we THINK and BELIEVE we are. If you make her think and believe that “mental health issues” are her fate in life because they run in the family, then she will most likely fulfill that “prophecy.” Give her the tools she needs to be positive and strong, mentally and emotionally, so that she will have the will to fight to overcome the obstacle of “heredity.” As is true for any “battle” we fight against ANYthing that is an “enemy” to us, the minute we stop “fighting,” (or don’t put up any resistance at all), that is when the enemy overtakes and captures us, and makes us its “prisoner of war.” Don’t ever lay your weapons down or shed your armor – use whatever is available to protect and fight for your daughter. If you don’t feel you’re up to the task, seek professional help for her, and for you as well, to learn how to help her NOT make “mental health issues” her destiny.
But my son always kept things bottled up. For kids like that, the most profound conversations take place while your chatting during the daily and mundane routines in life (like, while washing the dishes with them as you're teaching them about doing chores and "pitching in," or while you're going for a walk in the park or woods, or even watching a movie together). The point is, you have to make the time to take the time with your kids. If they feel like you're a "stranger" to them, they're less likely to "open up" to you. But sometimes, as in my son's case, no matter how "close" you are to them, they don't "open up and share deep feelings" because that's just their personality. So you have to be accepting of that, too ... but my telling him he can always talk to God if he doesn't feel comfortable telling me, I gave him the option of having someone else to "confide" in.
During that one devotion, we said a prayer afterword. The devotion was something about heaven, and how we get there. My son would usually say something or ask a question or 2 during devotions, but I noticed that that night he became unusually quiet. I could just "sense" something heavy on his heart ... all of a sudden he burst into tears and started crying uncontrollably and wouldn't stop. Finally, in between deep heaves and sighs, he said, "I'm afraid Dad won't go to heaven, and I want him to." That completely stunned me ... I was blind-sided by it. I had no idea whatsoever that he had such a fear in his heart - that his dad wouldn't go to heaven - or that it was affecting him emotionally to that extent. That let me know that yes, he "pays attention" to our behavior and relationships, and that he knew that his dad's drinking and subsequent behavior were "wrong," and he worried about his Dad "paying the consequences" of that behavior (I never bad-mouthed their dad to them - because I didn't want them to harbor anger, hatred, bitterness or unforgiveness in their hearts towards him, because those things eat away at us on the inside - I wanted to help my children get through this stuff and be emotionally healthy and stable adults in the end - which they are).
The point is, the more you try to communicate with your daughter, the more you increase the likelihood of "having a relationship" with her - which is what she really, really craves and needs on the inside. Tell her if she's angry with you about anything that she can tell you - that you won't be mad at her for feeling that way, and that you understand. Anger is a valid emotion - we can't deny it or sweep it under the rug and pretend it's not there. The same with "hurt." Our children should always feel free to come to us with any problem - knowing we won't be mad at them or "invalidate" or "trivialize" their feelings, hurt, pain, anger, etc. We need to help our kids "resolve" anger and pain and teach them to deal with it and work through it in a constructive, healthy manner, if we want them to be emotionally healthy and stable adults.
Children are amazingly resilient - they have the capacity to "bounce back" from quite a lot, mentally and emotionally (despite our mistakes as parents). It is excellent that you "see" that she is having problems of emotional distress - and that you want to take action now and not wait until it goes on for a long period of time. Your quick, decisive action is going to make all the difference in your daughter's "healing" and emotional well-being.
One more thing - Don't sentence your daughter to a lifetime of "mental health disorders" at age 3 already - be positive and take steps to help her become emotionally and mentally stable and mature - just because those problems "run in your family" doesn't mean she will have them, by no means. Don’t ever instill in her that “she’s likely to inherit them” (or has already). So often, children become what we tell them over and over that they are or will become … PARENTS are the biggest and most valuable influence in our children’s lives. They look to US for guidance and support - WE are the mirror to our children’s souls – what “reflection” do you want your daughter to see, when she looks to you?? What YOU think of her is what is important to her. We are (and eventually become) who and what we THINK and BELIEVE we are. If you make her think and believe that “mental health issues” are her fate in life because they run in the family, then she will most likely fulfill that “prophecy.” Give her the tools she needs to be positive and strong, mentally and emotionally, so that she will have the will to fight to overcome the obstacle of “heredity.” As is true for any “battle” we fight against ANYthing that is an “enemy” to us, the minute we stop “fighting,” (or don’t put up any resistance at all), that is when the enemy overtakes and captures us, and makes us its “prisoner of war.” Don’t ever lay your weapons down or shed your armor – use whatever is available to protect and fight for your daughter. If you don’t feel you’re up to the task, seek professional help for her, and for you as well, to learn how to help her NOT make “mental health issues” her destiny.
Thank you for your reply I new that this was not normal and am currently looking for some help for her. I am having such a hard time finding even a counseling because of her age but I will be looking and talking with her pediatrician to find a way to find her some help.
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
No, such behavior is not to be regarded as a way of seeking attention. And, to be frank, even if it were it would invite concern. Somehow many people construe behavior as attention-seeking and therefore not to be given much seriousness. But think about it: isn't it concerning that a child would scratch herself in order to gain attention? So, regardless of the attention issue, the behavior is a sign of emotional distress. It sounds like this little girl's world has been turned upside down and I hope she is getting some help.
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