trouble at school

[imhismom]

I am a single mom of a great six year old boy. He sees his father occasionally. He is in the first grade at a public school in a nice area. I know my son is a rambunctious, active boy. He does test limits at home, and is definitely into clowning around and making others laugh. He is in basketball, and has frequent play dates. He is well mannered, and although not "calm and passive," he is not physical or disrespectful. His teacher is constantly telling me that he is disruptive in class. She says he does not sit still during "group time", but will sit and concentrate at his desk during independent time. She tells me that he acts silly and refuses to listen when she asks him to stop. He interferes with the other children trying to learn and has been sent to the principles office on several occasions for this. She is telling me daily of his constant misbehaviors. She has mentioned that she doesn't think he is ADHD because he is able to focus and complete tasks on his own. I also see him sit at the table and create art pieces (he is artistically gifted) for long periods of time. Although he is not an "A" student, he isn't terribly low either. I am at my wits end because this teacher is constantly complaining about his behavior. I have made behavior charts for him, taken toys away, rewarded him for good days, and done the spanking thing. I don't know what else to do. He also goes to an after school program, with the same students, and does not have the same issues there. I'm meeting with his teacher on November 25, so any advice before than would be great. I guess I should mention that he is not on any medication.

[imhismom]

Thank you so much for the great questions. I have his conference tomorrow and I will absolutely bring a list of questions, including the ones you suggested. It's amazing that today my son came home saying he had a good day, and that his teacher told him repeatedly that he is having a wonderful day. I assume the principal had a talk with the teacher about our conversation. It amazing how a little positive encouragement can make his behavior. It just reinforces that the teacher is not all that good.

[momagain59]

You are the right path. Don't let them complain without helping you fix this problem. I would have a list of questions ready for this teacher. Such as: What kinds of negative behaviors does he display? What kinds of positive behaviors does he display? What do the children do during Group Time? How long has she been a teacher? Does she have any experience working with children like your son? Does she think that there could be a personality conflict between her and your son? Is there someone that can do written ABC (antecedent, behavior, consequence) observations on your son? What kinds of rewards can he receive at school for good behavior? If he has all of these problems with only one other child, can your son be moved to another class? Can you observe during Group Time? Everytime she explains what you son did, be sure to ask her how she handled this situation. Don't forget to take notes, you might need them later. Either way, they hate it when you start documenting what they have to say. Somehow, it makes them become more accountable for their actions.

I usually agree that discipline about school behavior needs to be reinforced at home but not when the teacher is constantly complaining. This would only make your son feel that he would be in trouble no matter what he did, and he would start to act out due to anger. Just from what you have said, I think this teacher has a few problems of her own. I think I would try to meet the parents of this other child so I could get their take on all of this. Is this other child constantly in trouble also? Don't take for granted that they are right just because it is school. I have seen some teachers that should not be around any children. A teacher can make or break your child's spirit and influence the rest of their educational years.

Hang in there, you are doing a Great Job advocating for your son. Keep us posted about the outcome of your meeting on the 25th. If this is a teacher's meeting, you can bring support with you and you can ask to have the principal attend.

[imhismom]

Actually, no. She has never said anything positive. And as a matter of fact, since writing this original post just a couple of days agao, my son has been sent to the principals office AGAIN! This time I spent 45 minutes talking with the principal, and basically was asking 1) what is the TEACHER doing?, 2) has anyone (ie the social worker) observed him in the classroom?, 3) are their antecedents to his acting out?, and 4) what EXACTLY is he doing? I also told her that since my child has started there, I have NEVER heard anything positive, and I feel as if no one at the school likes or enjoys my son, or has taken anytime to get to know him for the GREAT child that he is. She said that his biggestproblems are talking out constantly and keeping his hands/feet to himself, especially when interacting with one specific other child. I did ask her why the teacher has such a difficult time controlling these seemingly normal 6 year old boy behavior? She said it was beyond what is "normal". He is new to this school, and has come from a very liberal, laid back, kind of school that was not firm with expectations, so she mentioned he is having a hard time adjusting. She also reccomended that I don't get on him at home about school, that I just let the school work it our with him, this way he isn't stressing about getting in trouble at home as well as at school. (Which is totally unheard of to me, not punishing your child at home for misbehaving at school), but since he does seem to be anxious, I said I would give this a try. She also said that many of the problems are with one particular child, so I asked her to give the parents my number so we could get together outside of school and help the two boys learn appropriate ways to get along. She also said she thinks he will outgrow this. My dad mentioned watching a video called 1,2,3 magic to assist me in setting more concrete boundries and limits. I'm willing to try anything.

[momagain59]

A teacher can not diagnose ADHD and really shouldn't be giving her opinion about a medical diagnosis. Does this teacher have anything positive to say about him? Does he like his teacher? Just because she is the teacher doesn't meant that she is easy to please. Some teachers nit pick all day long and they wonder why the students don't behave. My special needs son can tell who likes him and who doesn't and he will act accordingly. Children know when a teacher doesn't like them. Did he have this trouble last year or is this something new? Maybe you can observe the class sometime.

[imhismom]

Thank you all for your responses! I will especially consider the anxiety. I am a very anxious person myself. Although I try to keep it from my son, I wouldn't doubt if some of it has rubbed off onto him. That is a great angle to discuss with his teacher. I will also consider asking the teacher to place him on the outer side of the group when they are on the floor.

[Natta1980]

my son is exactly the same - the larger the group, the fidgety-er he is:)

[RockRose]

I've spent a lot of time in elementary school classrooms doing "reading time" and "art in the classroom" and other times where children are asked to sit on the floor together,  and I bet the teacher is describing him exactly.  I see kids like that - when they are on the floor in group time not 5 seconds goes by that they don't disrupt the kids sitting around them.  All other times,  they do fine.  My guess is, in afterschool care he is allowed a great degree of freedom and isn't just sitting and listening,  so the behavior either isn't there or isn't obvious.

During group time he needs to be placed on the periphery of the group - at one end - and hopefully next to a girl he has no interest in interacting with and he should do better.  If literally that's his only difficulty this doesn't seem that difficult for her to solve.

Best wishes.

[jdtm]

Believe it or not, behaviour which mimics ADD/ADHD can also indicate anxiety.  Your son's behaviour probably is not serious enough to be considered a "disorder" but anxiety can result in havoc in the learning and stressful environment of school.  I might suggest you google the term "childhood anxiety" or "school anxiety" or similar words/phrases to see if this might be the situation.  Just wondering .....