typical 3/4 year old behaviour

[uncle larry]

My brother and his wife are going through a divorce and I am worried about the development of their 4 and 6 year old children.  My brother is the most constant and stable factor in their lives.  Their mother is bi-polar, is stressful to be around, and I see very little emotional interaction between her and the boys.  

The six year-old is very sensitive - both to other people's feelings and to criticism or praise of himself.  He spent a lot of time with my mother until her death two years ago.  He is very well behaved and wants to help all the time.  He is a good listener, but he is hard on himself.  His kindergarten teacher had to allow him to take his end of the year test a day after everyone else because his anxiety of making a mistake was so great.  When he took the test he did very well.  Other then being to hard on himself, he is a wonderful child.

I am concerned about the younger boy who just turned four.  He is ill-behaved, headstrong, and stubborn.  He can be a very good child, but more often he exhibits his independent streak and is very difficult.  When you tell him to do something, he will do the oppposite.  He acts cute and adorable in an attempt to get his way, and when he doesn't he throws a tantrum.  Unlike his brother, he got very little attention as an infant.  He spent a lot of time at this grandparents, who kept him in a diaper and fed him a bottle well into his threes.  When he stayed with them for a weekend, it would take my brother up to two days to get him back to where he was the Friday before.  He is not stupid, but sometimes when I tell him to do something he genuinely looks like he doesn't know what I'm talking about.  He's language skills developed late, but he is very curious and is always trying to figure out how things work and what is inside things.  For example, we went to a restaurant that had a tv in the floor, and he got down on his hands and knees to try to see what was behind it.  He like to knock down sand castles and things made out of building blocks - it is a destructive nature but he does not destroy things like furniture or stuffed animals.  He is not stupid, but I'm concerned about his developmental skills.  His day care provider of the past several years worked with him very hard to follow orders and to listen, and he has improved.  His current school says that he is doing fine.

Do I have anything to worry about?  What is the best way of disciplining the second one?  Does is sound like they are normal children?  They can be so great!  But I worry about them.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Your older nephew appears to be doing well. His anxiety in relation to school performance sounds like it is of manageable proportions. If you wonder about this, ask his father to seek the opinion of the school psychologist or counselor. Your younger nephew may display some developmental problems and he does display a levl of oppositionality that is beyond the norm for his age. Such behavior is typical of children who may have experienced inadequate parenting during the early years. A developmental pediatrician or developmental psychologist can offer you an opinion about your nephew's developmental status. If you think his behavior warrants professional attention, he can be checked by a child mental health clinician (e.g., child psychologist, pediatric clinical social worker, pediatric clinical nurse specialist). Re: management of behavior, a very useful model is detailed in Lynn Clarks SOS: Help for Parents.

[astros18]

What a difficult situation for two small children to find themselves in the middle of. Is their mother capable of caring for them? If not, is your brother going to get full custody? The most important thing is that you and everyone who loves these boys show them consistency and love. All children need to know they are loved. A stable home environment is so important as well. It is a positive thing that his teachers all say he is doing okay. I hope everything works out okay for all involved. It is good of you to be concerned and you obviously love your nephews very much. Just continue to support your brother and his family and use positive reinforcement with both children. Best of luck to you and your family during this difficult time.