update

[lis51]

Hi I feel like we´ve done a little bit of progress with J. I mentioned his separation anxiety, tonight he went to sleep to grandparents house (no school tomorrow) hopes he sleeps well. I talked to my ped about the shyness and anxiety, he said it would be better to talk to a psychologist. He´s reffering me to someone by the end of the week. J´s been much better with sister and is starting to ask for forgiveness when he does something wrong. He won´t eat much and is very thin which worries me but we´ve done blood tests and no anemia or anything. He does eat fruits, vegetables, etc. but he seems to restrict what he eats, he´ll have a bite or two of each and that´s it. What is really annoying me is that he won´t sit at the table, he says he´is eating while he is watering the garden, which absolutely thrills him; turning the sprinkler on 100 times really fascinates him. Sometimes I allow it (since he doesn´t eat almost anything) having the water distraction he eats much more than when seated at the table. Lunch is the only problem because for breakfast and dinner the climate doesn´t allow the outings.I try to have family meals at the table the most I can, on weekends and when I´m alone with him.

When we had a schoolmate come home for lunch and a playdate, the little friend sat at the table and ate everything on his own. J doesn´t eat on his own, he only does it on occassion. My son seems to lack structure, he gets all hyperactive at lunchtime and he can´t settle down. Yesterday at 7..00 pm he kept running around the house, bringing things from one place to another. I told him it was "relaxation time" and he did understand, he brought a little mattress and lay there for awhile. I´ll keep working on that.

What should be more important. sitting down for lunch even though he won´t eat much or keep allowing the watering of the garden in order for him to eat properly?

I haven´t mentioned before that two nannies/maids live here with us,we don´t live in the States, which makes it difficult because he runs to them to the kitchen.

[jdtm]

do you think oversocializing may help? --  your question

Yes, I do believe that oversocializing will help.  If a person is afraid of heights, then one starts by going up a step, then a small hill, a steep hill, etc. until one is able to climb a mountain or ladder.   This is like anxiety - if afraid of social situations, then introduction to the "fear" - perhaps in small amounts (as in one child per playdate for several months before introducing two or three children) helps.  That's why visits to the mall, McDonald's, local parks, visiting neighbours or relatives or friends etc., or even short walks outside the home on the sidewalk all help to "desensitize" the person to the "fear of people".  That's basically what separation anxiety is about - fear of unknown people and unknown situations/environments.

I remember taking our granddaughter to restaurants many times when she was four or five years old - she ate under the table for several visits.  Then she graduated to the bench or chair until she was able to order her own food - now can go in by herself with friends - as expected from a teenager.  It takes time (years in our case) but it does work.

By the way, our granddaughter did work some with an excellent psychologist; however, the hard work is done by parents (she only saw him two or three times).  Our psychologist gave "ideas" to the parent on how to "work" with a child suffering from anxiety.  This therapy is called intervention but as I said before, it is the parents or other family members who do the "work".  As for your child's experience at birth, it might have "triggered" the anxiety issue but I doubt very much if that was the cause.  I really believe anxiety is an inherited trait - again, overprotection might have resulted in some dependence of the child on the parents, but it does not cause it.   Try not to blame yourself - you did the best you could under the circumstances.  Good luck - enjoy your son - and all the best ...

[lis51]

do you think oversocializing may help?

A psychologist we once went to asked us about J`s first days of life. They were terrible, for him and us. She said we have sort of an unconscious memory of the first days. When J came to the world he was separated from mom and was thrown into a world of aggression.  We had a very bad pediatrician (of course he is not the same one now) who exaggerated his milk allergy symptoms and vomiting and put him through all sorts of tests (fasting for 24 hours, IV`s, a tube from nose to stomach, several blood tests and an absolutely unnecessary lumbar punction). The kid was perfect, I had a super healthy, normal pregnancy and J is a healthy kid since the day he was born.

My husband and I, after 4 years could not speak about the hospital stay (his and mine) until now when we`ve learned to digest it all. It was painful.

Maybe that sudden separation at birth (I couldn`t hold baby, he was all connected) did have an influence on his character. And maybe that experience led us, as first time parents to overprotect our son.

For my father it was especially difficult to understand how was it that after so much tests the baby was truly everything but  unhealthy. He held him at 1 month old and still murmured "you`re perfect, you didn`t have anything".

[benjimom]

I think talking with a psychologist woudl be a good thing, maybe he/she can give you some tips and if that doesn't help refer you to a doctor who can help you.

[jdtm]

Today, the research believes that anxiety is an inherited trait not caused from life experiences but can be exacerbated by environments or situations.  This is what you are seeing when your son is aggressive due to fear.  Today there have been studies which show how those suffering from anxiety have over-active sections of the brain - some of us are pre-wired this way.  However, there are studies which also show that with treatment a person can learn how to control/manage the over-active sections of the brain.  

Our granddaughter has been under treatment/care for several years now.  She has had excellent mental/medical physicians and is doing well re her anxiety  (she is on medication and we did a lot of intervention practices with her - no therapy as of the present).   The positive side of anxiety is that (unlike some childhood disorders or diseases) with treatment, the child can and probably will get better.  Anxiety is not a death sentence - there is always hope no matter the severity.  The changes in mental health issues over the past few years have been unbelievable and this alone is so encouraging.  Today our granddaughter is in high school and doing quite well but .... with us, a lifelong struggle and a lifelong hope.  I wish you the best ....

[lis51]

but???? I´m curious if this is genetic or acquired from the environment we live in as children in different families. Though J´s case is a little bit different his anxiety is not so severe, and appears to be under control when boundaries at home are well defined. His anxiety is sort of a social anxiety and separation anxiety. Among new kids or groups he will appear aggressive, though not out of aggressiveness but of fear.

Pheew!!! It must be so difficult, seeing your children or grandchildren suffer is the most devastating thing. Have you recommended this site to your daughter/son? It has helped me so much, I was about to submerge myself in depression until I found a place to vent, to share, to listen and be heard.

How is she treated now? How old is she?

[jdtm]

She was a very difficult baby - cried a lot and very difficult to soothe.  She rarely slept and appeared distressed most of the time.  She did not interact with other children or adults unless she knew them well.  We did not realize it was anxiety until she started school.  Her anxiety was so severe that she was unable to speak, unable to eat, unable to use the washroom, unable to learn and totally unable to function.  Most of the time, her body was stiff from fright.  It was her inability to  speak that the teacher first noticed - she was mute all day long.  Her parents were not aware of this until six months into the school year.  Today she is doing much better but ....

[lis51]

Thank you for your advice. How did you notice at first she suffered from anxiety?

[jdtm]

Our granddaughter suffers from severe anxiety.  She, too, had trouble with meals.  Children who suffer from anxiety find it very difficult to eat in front of others (this does get better over time).  I used to let our granddaughter eat in front of the TV and often left her meal out for an hour or two.  Within that time frame, she would nibble at bits and pieces until most of it was gone.  This was not the way our children were raised nor the way I feel meals should be treated.  However, sometimes one has to do what works.  And, when a child is suffering from anxiety, the "normal" way of doing things does not work.

As for the hyperactivity - this is a very common behaviour to children suffering from anxiety.  Sometimes they find anything "different" too much to handle.   Your idea re "relaxation time" and his mattress is an excellent one.  This, too, will get better.  All the best ...