was my behavior as a kid normal?

[extremely_depressed]

What I'm about to say is extremely embarassing and I have been holding this secret in for years. I can no longer cope with it, I feel disgusted, ashamed, and very depressed because of it. Also, I post this in the child behavior forum because I need to know if what I did as a 12 year old is considered normal.

Anyway, when I was 12 years old I was going through a phase where I was discovering my sexuality. I remember one night my cat was sleeping in my bed with me and he was being very cuddly and affectionate, and next thing I knew I began rubbing it against my bare groin to pleasure myself (who does that??!!!) About a year later I realized what I had done, and I was so disgusted with myself I spiralled into a deep depression. Things got better but I am now 23 and recent events have triggered this memory again. I now am incredibly depressed and have even been suicidal. I can't seem to forget this incident, or forgive myself. I should mention that I am a normal person! I am NOT attracted to animals, and this incident never happened again. I am currently a pharmacy student, i'm bright and educated, I have a good family and friends, and a wonderful boyfriend whom i've been with for six years. Other than this incident, I had a good childhood; my parents are great people and I have not been sexually abused, as I know many of you may think this is the root cause of my issues.

I have had talks with two different therapists and they both said there was nothing wrong with what I did, I was just a curious young girl. However, I can't seem to hold on to what they tell me. I was already aware of my sexuality, so maybe curiousity isn't the case. I was obviously turned on, because why would I have done that otherwise?

First of all, was rubbing it agains my groin considered sex? I am sooooo terrified that it was. At the time I didn't think that's what I was doing! I think I was just tring to masturbate. Both therapists have told me that no, it was not sex, or bestiality. But I am still very depressed and upset. My biggest concern is that I feel like a fraud. I'm constantly thinking: "what if my boyfriend knew? or my friends knew what I did when I was a child"? I feel guilty and that they would think I am a disgusting person if they knew, even though it happened when I was a child!! Am I overreacting? Is this something I should be concerned about (as in my boyfriend or friends knowing??) PLEASE PLEASE help me, I can't stop crying and I feel like my life isn't worth living because of this stupid thing I did as a kid. Is this really so abnormal to 'experiment' when you are a kid? I've heard that masturbating with objects and stuffed animals isn't considered abnormal for children, so could a pet really be any different?? . .

[specialmom]

I am going to agree with Rockrose,  I am thinking your obsessing over this is a manifestation of other mental health issues currently going on.  Have you been treated for anxiety or depression?  I would so recommend that you look into continuing therapy to explore why this past event holds you hostage.  Many people have done things when young that they regret.  They move on and don't repeat.  They do not think about it and then question so much about themselves.  That you are makes me think more might be going on with you and talking to a psychiatrist/psychologist may bring you clarity, and that might bring you peace.  good luck

[RockRose]

I really don't think it's all that weird.  If that's the "weirdest" thing you've ever done sexually,  I'd say you're way less weird than most anyone else.

Telling your boyfriend,  imho,  would be weird.   Telling your friends would be even more odd,  IMHO.  I really,  REALLY don't want to hear about how my women friend's masturbate.  I've been drinking wine with women who have too much and then say stuff about their vibrators or whatever,  and let me tell you,  your friends do not want to hear this stuff.  

And really obsessing over this to the point that it ruins your life is VERY much weirder than doing this one time when you were 12,  in my opinion.

I still don't think this is what's bothering you.  

I'm going to take a stab in the dark here,  this may not resonate,  but is it possible that you don't think you'll be able to hold on to your friends and boyfriend,  and have a real fear of abandonment,  and so you're going to tell them this thing.  So that when they eventually leave you you can tell yourself it wasn't really the sum total of ME they rejected,  they couldn't handle this cat incident?  It would be less hurtful than being rejected for your whole personality and value?

Again,  just a guess.  I do think you need to explore avenues like that,  to figure out why you're blowing this so wildly out of proportion.

[extremely_depressed]

Thanks for your replies.

I would like to clarify that I am not concerned about my loved ones finding out, but only concerned in that part of me feels like they should know, otherwise i'm being dishonest. I am scared that they would perceive me differently if they knew; like they would be disgusted. I love my boyfriend very much and I feel like he deserves the best. I think part of my problem is that I am obsessed with honesty, and I am obsessed with being normal.

The fact that this was an unusual incident makes me feel so abnormal and so depressed. I am trying so hard not to dwell on it, but I just can't help it. The way I deal with things is attacking them head on in order to achieve closure, and then moving away from it. That is why I have joined forums, because forums allow me to express my thoughts to people who do not know me. Doing this does help me to feel better. I have talked to two therapists, but I feel that continuing with the therapy will be a good idea. I have also been on effexor 150mg since May, but obviously it's not doing the trick.

I know of people who have let their pets "lick" their private area when they were children. And so many people have been telling me that kids do weird things when they are young. Yet, I can't hold on to those thoughts.

If the two of you think this was weird behavior, then something must have been (or still is, on perhaps a deeper level), wrong with me.

[RockRose]

I agree with specialmom,  and I also think you might have a generalized anxiety disorder and you're kind of "guessing" what is causing it and you're guessing wrong.

I'm curious about the "recent events" that have triggered this memory again.  

From your description this event didn't bother you until a year after it occurred,  and it is now bothering you again.

I would suggest that you have a chemical depression/anxiety disorder,  and in an attempt to make sense of why you're feeling so anxious and depressed,  all you can think of to blame it on is this pretty trivial cat incident.

Instead of continuing to worry about the cat incident (that no one would ever in a million years know about if you didn't keep telling different people - your boyfriend and your friends will never know otherwise) I think you might want to go in the direction of treating your depression and anxiety as chemical disorders,  not caused by a single event.

Best wishes.

[specialmom]

Dear, very young children find stuffed animals can create pleasure and it is not sex.  I would say what you did was weird, yes.  But you were a young girl.  You need to forgive yourself and move on.  Perhaps you are indeed depressed with anxiety.  I would seek treatment for that if a doctor determines that you suffer from it.  Treating our mental health issues puts us in a better place to deal with obsessive thought.  

I would try redirection whenever your mind drifts to that event.  This means to have something that you 'go to' instead to think about or do.  Make a listt of  what these can be and next time if your mind drifts to the memory, go to the other thought or thing and throw  yourself there rather than reviewing this past event.  

You are not a bad person, you just did something odd as a girl.  How are your relationships today?