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Child hood mental abuse suffers Community
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1634959 tn?1308410002

The damage is long lasting

When I was in school I was teased about my weight and countless other things from 3-7 grade...every single day...it was relentless. I contemplated suicide because I felt no one loved me or cared about me. I felt ugly and fat and everything those kids said to me I started to believe because they told me everyday. I still battle with my self image as an adult. I can still hear the taunts from those girls and when I go places I think that is how everyone feels about me so avoid places. I have the most supportive and loving mother anyone could ever ask for but even her love didnt make the pain and feelings of lonliness go away. I am glad I didnt take my own life because those same girls that teased me those years had to be held back a year because of their grades and I was able to move on. I thank God (not their failure) but the frredom I got from them. I kinda felt it was their punishment for treating me so bad. Those girls were extremely cruel and when I hear about kids who killed themselves because of bullying it breaks my heart because I was there and I know the pain.

I ended up changing schools in the 10th grade and that is when this thyroid disease started. I had councelors telling me I needed to drop from advanced class to standard..I took it as them telling me I wasnt good enough and/or smart enough but I did not adhere to that because I knew it was the illness that had me so confused and disoriented. That year I ended up failing math and had to go to summer school...my dad (who felt that I was using my disease as a crutch) was embarrassed and he told me not to tell anyone I was in summer school so that added to the "I'm dumb and everyone hates me and I'm not good enough feeling". I had my surgery the same summer and I passed summer school with flying colors so that made me feel good....

College was another let down. I went and tried to get through school but I just couldn't get the hang of things. My academic advisor told me my first semester that if I was struggling now I might as well give up now because it only gets harder...those were his exact words.I mean where is the encouragemnt ? I felt so overwhelmed and I quit after 3 years of wasted money, lying to my parents, and horrible grades. This was a total disappoinment to my dad yet again. I felt and still feel as though he compares me to other successful people my age. I still feel like he is embarrased that I havent accomplished anything and he doesnt have anything to brag on. To put icing on the cake my younger sister is graduating from the same college I went to in May...talk about failure...that is what I see myself as..a total failure and embarrassment. I'm trying to get control my thoughts and remain positive..but some days are harder than others. Now that I am coming to grips with it all..it is easier to be positve.

Thanks for making this group!

5 Responses
1634952 tn?1302240373
Repeat after me, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL,SMART,BRAVE,INNOCENT,REMARKABLE.....AND PERFECT-JUST THE WAY YOU ARE..... And under all that heartbreak,tears,and COURAGE, you know that! You need to believe in you, and love yourself!

And i like you, need to say to myself , I AM BEAUTIFUL,BRAVE,INNOCENT,REMARKABLE, AND PERFECT-JUST THE WAY I AM......And under all this heartbreak,tears and COURAGE, I know that. I need to believe in myself, and love myself!

Let's do this together...you and me & me and you. You're not alone thus I am walking beside you-NOT BEHIND NOR IN FRONT OF  you.
  Thanks so much for believing in me & sharing your most personal thoughts with me. You are MY SISTER and I love you for you! AnnaMaria
Avatar universal
I can relate to your story in so many ways. Just like you I was teased at school from first grade all the way to a senior in highschool. I am now 38 yrs old and still have NO self confidence. I was married for 14 years to a man that put me down everyday. I was never pretty enough and was called a fat *** everyday. I feel like my dad had always been ashamed of me because of my weight. Ive never been good enough for him. The pain that still lives in my heart will never go away. I am now married to a wonderful man that tells me how beautiful I am everyday and that he loves me just the way I am but sometimes its hard to accept. I don't believe it so why should he. I try to think different about myself and then I see pictures of myself and Im like OMG I am such a fat ugly cow. I have thyroid problems so that doesnt help with the weight loss at all. I hope one day I will feel good about myself.
1634959 tn?1308410002
Thank you guys sooooooo much for reading my story. You guys just don't know (or maybe you do) how good it feels to be able to talk about my innermost hurtful feelings. This site and the people on here have truly opened my eyes and heart to so much. I feel such a connection to you all and I am so thankful for that. I feel like I can go on and on my bad days I know I dont have to keep it bottled up. I have shared things on here that some of my closest family dont know and I want to keep it that way. You guys "get" me and I love that!

Thanks for allowing me to be a part of your lives and if I can help in ANY way..I will be MORE than happy to!

Peace, Love, Healing, & Blessings
1634952 tn?1302240373
Aweeeeee....I'm in tears over here-THE ONES THAT MATTER, AND THE KIND I WANT TO CRY FOR EVER! I can't thank you enough for trusting and believing n me and for ALLOWING ME, yes i SAID allowing, to be a part of the brighter, better picture!
1634959 tn?1308410002
LOL!!  I feel so much better knowing I'm not alone. I want to help as many people feel better by encouraging them. I want to be able to give people hope who don't feel like they have any..because I know what that is like. I feel like I'm getting to know "me" through this site (is that sad?) I mean other things outside of this site have contributed too but I really think God lead me here for so many reasons. I'm with you Anna..I feel like crying tears of joy! yyiiipppeee!!!!!
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