When I was 13-15 about thee my cousins were over, My female cousin was about 8 or so at the time and one time I was undressing in my bedroom with a pillow covering me but "moved it" and it showed part of my breast and she laughed and pointed. Why did I do that to see how curious she would be because she was a female too and would someday be like me, why did I do it? AM I sick? Another time we would play, I liked playing the tickling game and would get "turned on" when she or another female cousin would tickle me and I would masturbate after...I am mortified does this mean I am sexually dangerous? I posted on this board before under another name more than a year ago and someone wrote I was not a criminal or dangerous that is just what pre-teens do and that I should go to therapy for it if it was bothering me that much and to remember everyone is not the same.
Then another time I was babysitting, a bit older this time and I was in the bathroom, I told the kids jokingly not to come inside like a hint to almost do so but I felt as though I wanted them to come in to get curious cuz I was older and mature, same with keeping tampons in my purse seeing if they would open and look in. then AGAIN I feel like a grossed out monster. The little girl I was babysitting for and I were sitting on her bed and I was leaning reading her wall calendar and the small of my back was showing along with my underwear, I knew it was but didn't do anything I wanted to see her reaction since I was a bit self conscious cuz on the small of my back I had hair there, (weird I know see I told you this post is strange) I wanted to see if she would look and laugh cuz I was always so self conscious as a teen and still am. Sometimes it seemed as though I had my bra straps shown and knew did it deliberate to see if she was curious.
This all sound like pretty common teenage stuff to me. I could tell you about the time I.....(but I won't). I think versions of this sort of thing are universal.
That said if your level of guilt or conflict is so extreme that you feel it is ruining your life, THAT is something you might well want to get professional mental health help with. No need to live with that kind or anguish, especially over things like these.
It definitely sounds a little complex. I would second the opinion to go to therapy.
My reasoning is that there sounds like some strong emotional issues. I believe there may be some developmental issues as well (where you're stuck in a stage for some reason). That doesn't mean that you're not a functioning person, just that you haven't processed some things from earlier in life.
It's not a judgment. A previous T told me she believed I was stuck in the anal phase. I can't remember which age bracket that was. 18 months- three years from memory. I do the hand month thing a lot (by emotional eating) so I could equally be stuck in the oral phase (0- 18 months).
Some of our issues can be triggered by life transitions. Puberty, and the challenges posed by that, could have been one.
I am not a health professional and perhaps I shouldn't have interfered but I see some differences and similarities with myself. I'm not sure what. Perhaps there is a theme about identity in there or about you trying to find yourself or discover who you are as a person. I think it goes beyond the behavior which is why therapy is important.
I hope the expert can help with insights and put this all in perspective.
I think it's incredibly brave putting sensitive material out there like this.
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