Aa
Am I the Father? I'm going back and forth.
Background info, is that my effort gf broke up with guy #1 on Nov 22nd 2016, and moved in with me (Guy #2) on Nov 24th, 2016. She lived with me until mid Jan, and went back to guy #1. On December 11th, at the hospital, urine tests for Pregnancy came back negative. But the blood work showed 73.8 HcG.
After a few months down the line I find a picture of the ultrasound at a small town hospital, 18 weeks in, saying the due date is August 11th.
Guy #1 is claiming conception happened Nov 16th and it's his. Keep in mind if the low HcG levels nearly a month later with negative urine test.
Obviously a paternity test is called for, but who's baby is it probably. Guy #1 or Guy #2 (Me)?
After a few months down the line I find a picture of the ultrasound at a small town hospital, 18 weeks in, saying the due date is August 11th.
Guy #1 is claiming conception happened Nov 16th and it's his. Keep in mind if the low HcG levels nearly a month later with negative urine test.
Obviously a paternity test is called for, but who's baby is it probably. Guy #1 or Guy #2 (Me)?
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi, Ace. Yes, a woman can ovulate pretty much any time in her cycle -- it is not uncommon at all. My own sister ovulates at day 8 (from the first day of her last period).
I can see your issue and have said already that you have a chance (though ultrasounds this late can be two weeks or more off, so don't get excited about a 32nd-week ultrasound).
The real issue, though, is that all of this obsessing is not going to get you any further to enlightenment. You don't have long to wait now, the only constructive thing you can do is get with your lawyer and find out what right you have to get a DNA test done, and what it would take to force one if she resists the idea. I am not convinced she will resist the idea if the baby comes out looking like you. (You haven't answered my question about whether she would be able to tell at a glance if the baby does look like you and not her current boyfriend. But if that happens, most women will want a DNA test, not resist one. And most women's boyfriends will want one too.)
You haven't said much about the relationship and how it ended and why she went back to the other guy after an interlude with you, but it sounds like you don't think she wants any contact at all. You also sound like you are either carrying a torch for her (and hope that if the baby is from your sperm, things will rekindle with her), or like you are freaked out about legal responsibility. I'm assuming it's not the latter because you haven't said one thing in response to my repeated suggestions you see a lawyer, and you've said a lot about how little you trust her new boyfriend, how you would like it if she would talk to you, etc.
If the situation is the first one, you are going to have to let go of the fantasy. She would be with you now if she felt like that is where she wanted to be. If you can't let go, please see a therapist. Obsessive attraction is a really bad thing, where lurking turns to stalking and the person can't think of anything else and pretty soon justifies weird behavior. This, you really don't want to do, and such a person, you really don't want to be. Even if it is not this extreme, for your own self-esteem later, you deserve to look back on this situation and know you behaved with calmness and dignity.
If the situation is the second one, where perhaps you are worried about being hit for back child support after some time has gone by, that is a more legitimate concern. This is why you need to talk to a lawyer. (If money is an issue, try calling a law school and finding out if they have any low-income legal-aid clinics.) Think over the issues, too -- are you willing to sign over your parental rights if a DNA test were to show that your sperm produced the baby? Decisions need to be made, and again, you need legal advice to clarify how to even get as far as a DNA test, if she is actively trying to keep you out of her life.
If I had to guess, I would assume she is very clear in her mind that there is at least a fair chance you are the dad and not her present beau. And he is probably aware of it, too. Some men would take a woman child and all, especially if the child is already here, and some men won't be willing to stick with a woman if the child she is carrying proves to not be from them. But at least it all happened fairly (I assume -- though not knowing how you two got together perhaps he feels it didn't, and that her pregnancy might be the result of "cheating" and not just a subsequent lover). But this is for them to work out, without you lurking like a vulture. Keep your chin up, handle yourself in a dignified fashion, and manage the situation in an adult way (with the help of counsel) and after all the testing is done (and the dust settles on her relationship with him, if it does) your dreams might come true. But act obsessed and immature now, and you will guarantee you won't get what you want, if ever you had a chance.
Good luck, not long now. See your lawyer.
I can see your issue and have said already that you have a chance (though ultrasounds this late can be two weeks or more off, so don't get excited about a 32nd-week ultrasound).
The real issue, though, is that all of this obsessing is not going to get you any further to enlightenment. You don't have long to wait now, the only constructive thing you can do is get with your lawyer and find out what right you have to get a DNA test done, and what it would take to force one if she resists the idea. I am not convinced she will resist the idea if the baby comes out looking like you. (You haven't answered my question about whether she would be able to tell at a glance if the baby does look like you and not her current boyfriend. But if that happens, most women will want a DNA test, not resist one. And most women's boyfriends will want one too.)
You haven't said much about the relationship and how it ended and why she went back to the other guy after an interlude with you, but it sounds like you don't think she wants any contact at all. You also sound like you are either carrying a torch for her (and hope that if the baby is from your sperm, things will rekindle with her), or like you are freaked out about legal responsibility. I'm assuming it's not the latter because you haven't said one thing in response to my repeated suggestions you see a lawyer, and you've said a lot about how little you trust her new boyfriend, how you would like it if she would talk to you, etc.
If the situation is the first one, you are going to have to let go of the fantasy. She would be with you now if she felt like that is where she wanted to be. If you can't let go, please see a therapist. Obsessive attraction is a really bad thing, where lurking turns to stalking and the person can't think of anything else and pretty soon justifies weird behavior. This, you really don't want to do, and such a person, you really don't want to be. Even if it is not this extreme, for your own self-esteem later, you deserve to look back on this situation and know you behaved with calmness and dignity.
If the situation is the second one, where perhaps you are worried about being hit for back child support after some time has gone by, that is a more legitimate concern. This is why you need to talk to a lawyer. (If money is an issue, try calling a law school and finding out if they have any low-income legal-aid clinics.) Think over the issues, too -- are you willing to sign over your parental rights if a DNA test were to show that your sperm produced the baby? Decisions need to be made, and again, you need legal advice to clarify how to even get as far as a DNA test, if she is actively trying to keep you out of her life.
If I had to guess, I would assume she is very clear in her mind that there is at least a fair chance you are the dad and not her present beau. And he is probably aware of it, too. Some men would take a woman child and all, especially if the child is already here, and some men won't be willing to stick with a woman if the child she is carrying proves to not be from them. But at least it all happened fairly (I assume -- though not knowing how you two got together perhaps he feels it didn't, and that her pregnancy might be the result of "cheating" and not just a subsequent lover). But this is for them to work out, without you lurking like a vulture. Keep your chin up, handle yourself in a dignified fashion, and manage the situation in an adult way (with the help of counsel) and after all the testing is done (and the dust settles on her relationship with him, if it does) your dreams might come true. But act obsessed and immature now, and you will guarantee you won't get what you want, if ever you had a chance.
Good luck, not long now. See your lawyer.
I have seen a second u/s at 32 week 2 days, that pushes everything back a day farther in favor of me being the father. I know U/S have a margin if error. But the ultrasound at 18 weeks put LMP at Nov 14, and the 32 week at Nov 15. She has also stated on social media that her EDD is Aug 21st. (280 days from Nov 14th). My question is can a woman ovulate sooner than 10 days into her cycle? I have had no contact with her since late Jan, Early Feb. She has cut me off completely, so I'm on an emotional rollercoaster ride (and not the kind) since then.
2 Comments
*fun kind
I know in your eyes, you are trying to do the right thing. But just wait until the kid is born to do a paternity test and in the mean time move on.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I should mention that one of the reasons I say you do not have a smoking gun is that a pregnancy labeled as being any later than about the tenth week by an ultrasound is going to have a margin for error because embryos develop at different rates. "18w0d" might be anywhere from 16w4d to 19w3d in actual fact. Even by the 12th week there is a margin for error of +/- 7 days, and the margin for error only gets bigger as pregnancy progresses (by 40 weeks GA, it can be off by three weeks). This also throws into doubt the notion of the due date, if it did not come from an early ultrasound. Also, as I said before, embryos can develop quite a while floating free in the uterus before implanting, and hCG counts vary a great deal in early pregnancy, so the low hCG count (while certainly suggesting that DNA testing is called for) is not proof.
I will also add, your ex might have had a reason to think the guy she went back to is the father that she didn't tell you. She might have had earlier pregnancy symptoms that she blew off, or something else about the situation might have made it clear to her that she was pregnant when she broke it off with him and came to live with you.
None of this rules you out, but unfortunately none of it eliminates the other guy. It's going to be a tact battle now to get the testing done, which is why my last post was all about your tone and your lawyer and not so much about the numbers. You could be correct about what the hCG numbers in early pregnancy meant, but if you are not, you will really need to have said nothing that alienates her further.
I will also add, your ex might have had a reason to think the guy she went back to is the father that she didn't tell you. She might have had earlier pregnancy symptoms that she blew off, or something else about the situation might have made it clear to her that she was pregnant when she broke it off with him and came to live with you.
None of this rules you out, but unfortunately none of it eliminates the other guy. It's going to be a tact battle now to get the testing done, which is why my last post was all about your tone and your lawyer and not so much about the numbers. You could be correct about what the hCG numbers in early pregnancy meant, but if you are not, you will really need to have said nothing that alienates her further.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I think you do not have any smoking gun. Also, I would advise various things, since you really do not have evidence (even with hCG levels you think are gospel because you read them on a website) that the baby was from the sex with you. The main piece of advice is, when you talk to her or when you talk about this, talk like you assume the baby is from her boyfriend. This is because if her due date is August 11, the conception date would have been November 18, which could have been from sex November 13, 14, 15, 16, 17 or 18. Just as the other guy is consistently saying.
The other advice is to stop using casual phrases that imply possessiveness and competition when you talk to the woman about having a DNA test done. Erase from your vocabulary (and your mind) such language as "I don't know if she would let me *claim the child* willingly" and "I'm assuming the child is *mine*," and also while you are at it, all of that about finding the other guy's word unreliable, since what he is saying is in line with the dates the doctor has given them. (Presumably he has had the chance to speak with the doctor, and is not reduced to looking things up on the Internet and having to try to puzzle out the meaning of various numbers on ultrasounds that they have their friends dig up. -What are you doing, telling everyone your suspicions? This is not a good thing for the baby's future life.) Anyway, even if you feel those things in your heart, the child is not yours to "claim," the best you are going to get is a DNA test and visitation rights if the child proves to have been from your sperm. She is demonstrating she is done with the relationship with you, you have to be clear in your behavior that you aren't wishing it would be regenerated if the baby comes from your sperm instead of her boyfriend's.
So, keep your language and your behavior as though you are staying open to the possibility that the boyfriend might be right. Your posture when you ask for a DNA test must be merely that you would like to be sure because the dates are so close. Don't come at her with hostility towards the other guy, possessiveness about the baby, and armchair medical analysis, please, or you will probably never get her cooperation in doing the test. (And doing so will make you look foolish if the DNA test does prove the baby is from the other guy.)
Get your ducks in a row now (and I don't mean brooding over hCG numbers. As my doctor told me, they can vary from one hour in the day to the next). Speak to a lawyer and find out what your rights are to a DNA test. If you have every right to claim a test, once the baby is born, ask her nicely. Only after that should you force the issue legally.
The other advice is to stop using casual phrases that imply possessiveness and competition when you talk to the woman about having a DNA test done. Erase from your vocabulary (and your mind) such language as "I don't know if she would let me *claim the child* willingly" and "I'm assuming the child is *mine*," and also while you are at it, all of that about finding the other guy's word unreliable, since what he is saying is in line with the dates the doctor has given them. (Presumably he has had the chance to speak with the doctor, and is not reduced to looking things up on the Internet and having to try to puzzle out the meaning of various numbers on ultrasounds that they have their friends dig up. -What are you doing, telling everyone your suspicions? This is not a good thing for the baby's future life.) Anyway, even if you feel those things in your heart, the child is not yours to "claim," the best you are going to get is a DNA test and visitation rights if the child proves to have been from your sperm. She is demonstrating she is done with the relationship with you, you have to be clear in your behavior that you aren't wishing it would be regenerated if the baby comes from your sperm instead of her boyfriend's.
So, keep your language and your behavior as though you are staying open to the possibility that the boyfriend might be right. Your posture when you ask for a DNA test must be merely that you would like to be sure because the dates are so close. Don't come at her with hostility towards the other guy, possessiveness about the baby, and armchair medical analysis, please, or you will probably never get her cooperation in doing the test. (And doing so will make you look foolish if the DNA test does prove the baby is from the other guy.)
Get your ducks in a row now (and I don't mean brooding over hCG numbers. As my doctor told me, they can vary from one hour in the day to the next). Speak to a lawyer and find out what your rights are to a DNA test. If you have every right to claim a test, once the baby is born, ask her nicely. Only after that should you force the issue legally.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi, as I asked the last time you posted about this, if the baby is born and she suspects the child is from you, will she want to know the truth? Or do you think they will never want to know?
Regarding a negative urine test -- the urine tests doctors and hospitals use are so insensitive that I could go in two months pregnant and get one done, and it would probably register negative if I had drunk enough water beforehand. Her negative urine test means nothing, don't put it into a stack of evidence that is supposed to mean something. The blood test also is not proof of any theory related to paternity of the baby -- it is a relatively low count, but an embryo can wait until day 10 - 12 to implant, and only after it does will there be an hCG reading, and as my IVF doctor once told me, a woman can have different hCG readings on a blood test even in the same day.
As you say, obviously a DNA test is what will answer the question. If they don't want to know for sure who the father is, you could have a legal tussle on your hands to get the testing done. I hope neither of them is resisting the necessity to test.
Regarding a negative urine test -- the urine tests doctors and hospitals use are so insensitive that I could go in two months pregnant and get one done, and it would probably register negative if I had drunk enough water beforehand. Her negative urine test means nothing, don't put it into a stack of evidence that is supposed to mean something. The blood test also is not proof of any theory related to paternity of the baby -- it is a relatively low count, but an embryo can wait until day 10 - 12 to implant, and only after it does will there be an hCG reading, and as my IVF doctor once told me, a woman can have different hCG readings on a blood test even in the same day.
As you say, obviously a DNA test is what will answer the question. If they don't want to know for sure who the father is, you could have a legal tussle on your hands to get the testing done. I hope neither of them is resisting the necessity to test.
2 Comments
I do not know if she would let me claim the child willingly. I have had no contact with her since late January. I wish I could talk to her.
A friend of mine found an ultrascan on social media that says GA is Nov 20th, with a due date of 8/11.
I looked on the Betabase website for DPO levels of HcG.
http://www.betabase.info/chart/basic/single
If what the other guy is claiming (all I have is his word, which I find unreliable) conception was Nov 14th. So at the hospital on Dec 11th, the DPO would've been 27, +-1 day. On the Betabase website the lowest HcG level reported was 231 with an average of 8000+. So at the hospital 73.8, I'm assuming the other guy is lieing to me.
Going by this website, I'm assuming the child is mine. The earliest I could've got her pregnant was 18 DPO to 1 DPO. For him it's 14+ DPO.
With this info what is your opinion.
A friend of mine found an ultrascan on social media that says GA is Nov 20th, with a due date of 8/11.
I looked on the Betabase website for DPO levels of HcG.
http://www.betabase.info/chart/basic/single
If what the other guy is claiming (all I have is his word, which I find unreliable) conception was Nov 14th. So at the hospital on Dec 11th, the DPO would've been 27, +-1 day. On the Betabase website the lowest HcG level reported was 231 with an average of 8000+. So at the hospital 73.8, I'm assuming the other guy is lieing to me.
Going by this website, I'm assuming the child is mine. The earliest I could've got her pregnant was 18 DPO to 1 DPO. For him it's 14+ DPO.
With this info what is your opinion.
I pulled up a clearer picture of the u/s. It says GA(EDD)=18wk0d. The ultrasound is dated 3/20/26. Does that mean the Gestational Age is 18weeks or the baby is due in 18 weeks. If Gestational Age, 18 weeks from that u/s is Nov 14th, which is what the other guy is claiming to be conception. But I want to add 2 weeks to that, which would make conception age at Nov 28th
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