I need an advice

[Yasko]

Divorced 4 years ago and have joint custody of a 6 year old child. My ex wife wants to file for sole custody due to change in circumstances (child starting school) and we live 1 hour apart.

My ex gave me reasons to assume that the child may not be biologically mine. I also had urological health issues when the child was conceived. I was going to live with it, the child looks like me etc etc but....anxiety and fear prevails.

I am lost and scared. I don't wanna lose my kid regardless of DNA. But I can't stop thinking about it and it interferes with my life (overwhelming fear and anxiety).

So,

-Maybe my ex never cheated
-Maybe she wouldn't bring the issue up even if she did
- Maybe I would be better off not knowing

On the other hand it is bothering me a lot

- I would do it for peace of mind
- I would do it to prepare for court battle better when I know the kid is mine.

My fears:

1) What if the test is false negative (only way is online kit to order for cheek swabs), for example they make mistake at lab or DNA mutation or those people who have double DNA
2) How do I cope with waiting? (even though waiting is not much harder than imagining my ex will bring this up in court)
3) WHAT DO I DO IF THE TEST IS NEGATIVE? I live for this child!!!!

Should I do the test?

[jen_ortiz]

I had a dna test b4 on my.oldest son it was required Cus his dad was being a douchbag n didn't wanna pay child support smh the mother has to be there !!!!!!!

[AnnieBrooke]

I just read some material online that says a paternity test can be done without the mother, but that the results are less accurate, the test takes longer, and the price is higher.  If that is what you want, go right ahead.  

Talk to your therapist again if you can't make up your mind on what you want to do; therapists are good at helping people do values clarification when they are faced with a tough decision.  If your last therapist was not helpful, try a new one.

[Yasko]

Dear Annie

We have shared custody and it should continue. If the child is NOT mine then it will be upto courts. When I said sole custody I meant full custody. She offers weekends but it is not possible for 1 parent to have all weekends because the other parent needs weekend time with the kids too.

I saw a therapist and he said wait snd see, or, do a test.

A paternity test CAN be done without the mother and is being done by many fathers. There are accredited labs that meet AABB standards and all they need is a buccal (cheek swab) from the child and alleged father.

But you said it cannot be done without the mother. Could you please post a link to support your claim, I would love to read it.

[AnnieBrooke]

Yasko, there is no real point in doing an Internet test, since their results are not guaranteed.  Even if you got a result back that said you are 99% probable to be the father, you sound like you are so anxious that you would be frightened there was some kind of mistake.

Besides, a test can't be done without her knowing -- all three of you have to provide specimens.  In other words, you, the child, and the child's mother need to provide a swab, it can't be done without her knowing unless you intend to sneak into her house and steal her toothbrush or go swab her when she is asleep at night.  And if you are being that crazy, I think it's time to see a therapist about the obsessive fears and anxiety, not an online DNA testing outfit.

What you are after seems to be all over the place.  You want her not to file for sole custody.  Now you don't even want to have weekends and shared custody, it's not good enough.  BUT you have no peace of mind about whether the child is yours and are in depression and extreme anxiety.  BUT you would be lost if the child were to leave your life even if the DNA test proved she is not your biological offspring.  BUT not testing will significantly interfere with your life.

Please see a therapist and determine what you want.  An official DNA test, to put your worries to rest and no longer have the issue significantly impact your life?  Or to let well enough alone and be happy this child is in your life?  A therapist will help you go over the pros and cons of each and come to a decision.  

[Yasko]

Btw please excuse my English. My question is a dillema weather I should do the test or not.

[Yasko]

In here it all comes to best interest of the child. I could keep shared custody or I could lose the kid.

But I am not talking about it because DNA has not been done. My ex is offering me weekends and I want shared custody.

The kid went to preschool and currently kindergarten from my home.

I wanna do a test for a peace of mind. My ex doesnt need to know if I do it. If I dont do the test it will bother me and significantly interfere with my life. If I do it could destroy my life.

Some say do it you have nothing to lose while others say dont maybe even if your ex had a 1 night stand she may never bring up that issue.

Im so confused and scared. Currently my wish is that I do the test and it says "over 99% probability you are the father" while my thoughts make me think it will say "excluded"

[AnnieBrooke]

Yasko, where do you live?  In the United States, a child born of a married couple is legally presumed to be the child of both parents.  It takes a DNA test that is legally accepted in court (i.e., from a certified lab) and more than likely a sworn affadavit from the mother, to rebut the presumption of paternity.  Your best bet is to talk to an attorney to see what it would take where you are.

If you are stewing over this, talking to an attorney would help you because it will tell you how easy or hard it would be for your ex-wife to use the claim that you are not the child's biological father in the quest for sole custody.  It is possible she would be open to a weekends-only arrangement, she might just be asking for sole custody because she feels you would not agree to weekends only and she is wanting to start with a strong offense.  

If you are sure that you never want to lose contact with the child no matter what a DNA test shows, certainly you should make her do all the work to force you to get one.  

I don't think an online kit will be admissible in court to determine paternity, no matter where you live.  You would have to go to a certified lab and provide proper I.D. and give the sample before witnesses.

Talk to a family-law attorney.