Hi, how do you know that you ovulated on day 14 and 15 of your cycle? Have you been under a doctor's care, and he did an ultrasound and saw the egg in the follicle around day 13, and then did another one and it was no longer in the follicle on day 14 or 15? Failing that, have you been using an ovulation test kit and peeing on a stick every day to see when your hormone surge happened? Failing that, are your cycles like clockwork and every 28 days for years your period has come? Failing that, how do you know you didn't ovulate on day 8 or day 18? Some women do.
I'm just sayin.' Of course you could get pregnant from someone on day 17 of your cycle, unless you know FOR SURE that you ovulated on a particular day, that was out of range of day 17.
It would be a lot cheaper to ask Mr. Day 17 to go to his urologist and get a sperm count done, than to go to a prenatal test lab and do a DNA paternity test. If Mr. Day 17 is concerned that he is suddenly going to be a father, he should care enough to do this test. He should have his doctor mail you a copy of the results (sorry, but taking his word that he has even had a vasectomy, let alone what the sperm reading is, is off the table here. Guys lie all the time about vasectomies when sex is in the offing.)
If you cannot trust Mr. Day 17 to be straight with you about this (and he is not looking that great on the honorable scale at the moment, since he was willing to cheat with a married woman -- remember the old saying "there is no honor among thieves"), and if it is super important to know now, and if you think Mr. Day 17 will not find some way to fudge the test, by all means do a DNA test. Test with both men. (Ravgen and probably the DDC can give you instructions for using a swab on the edge of a drinking glass, if you cannot bring yourself to admit to your husband what you did.) We have heard feedback on this forum of the reliability of both labs; Ravgen is the gold standard. (Don't use an Internet-advertising cheapie so-called lab if you do it, you would just be wasting your money.) Again, TEST WITH BOTH MEN if you are going to do it at all, since one guy's positive will back up the other guy's negative. When we get freaked-out women writing into this forum who have done a prenatal paternity test, the freaking out is always because they tested with only one guy and got a negative. They write, "What if the test is WRONG?!?!?!?!" Having one guy's results come in positive and the other guy's results come in negative alleviates all that freaking out.
Good luck, it's a tough spot for you. At least there is a test that you could get, that will tell you what you need to know.
Yes, it'll killing me. My husband is very happy because he really wants a second. I hope with all my heart that the baby is my husband's and my gut feeling tells me that it is. But to be absolutely sure and prevent any future paternity claims, the sperm analysis and the prenatal test is what we need to do. Mr. Day 17 is dead certain he does want children--he has two from his marriage, the second was an accident following \which he got the vasectomy. He also went back after 6 months to ascertain that there was no sperm. But these are his words.
Have you had an ultrasound yet? If so, what estimated due date did the doctor give you? From that due date, you can use an online calculator to work out an estimated conception date, or just count back 266 days on a calendar. (If the doctor just used a little cardboard wheel and the first day of your last period to start the count, disregard that. You need information based on the actual measurements of the actual baby, not on merely assuming you ovulated 14 days after your period.)
If you haven't had an ultrasound yet, go in next week and get one. If you are trying to keep your problem a secret from your husband, go without your husband. When asked for the first day of your last period, tell the nurse who asks that you have irregular cycles, or that you don't remember when it was. (This is so the doctor won't just give you a "weeks pregnant" count based on the calendar and the first day of your last period.) From the ultrasound, ask for an estimated due date (calendar date, not "weeks") based only on the baby's measurements and growth indicators as seen in the ultrasound.
The 6th or 7th week (from the first day of your last period) is about the only time frame in the pregnancy where an ultrasound would be precise enough for trying to date the pregnancy as specifically as you need it to be done. So if you are going to try this ultrasound idea, don't delay. If the doc won't do an ultrasound, it's probably because he thinks insurance won't pay him to do one unless it's called for by a bleeding incident or other problem. You might try telling him that you have been bleeding and are concerned, but it's probably better to just tell the truth -- that you don't know who the dad is and need to have as precise of information as possible to try to work out when conception was. (And this information is only available at this particular stage of pregnancy, because babies can grow at different rates and the margin for error gets larger and larger as the weeks go by, so you need this pretty much now.) Offer to pay out of pocket for the ultrasound if necessary.
Unfortunately, this can't replace the reliability of a test from Ravgen or the DDC. Also, if the ultrasound were to give you an estimated due date of, for example, October 3 or 4, that won't help you rule out either guy, because both men had live sperm in your system as of the 11th of January (if Mr. Day 17 was being untruthful about the vasectomy). The only reason I suggested an ultrasound is on the off chance that it might lead you to an estimated due date of, say, September 30. If so, you could add this to the vasectomy story and assume your husband got you pregnant.
I guess in your shoes, I would be more likely to buy Mr. Day 17th's vasectomy story if he had told it to me years ago, and long before he ever had an idea that we might have sex. Again, beware of glib vasectomy stories when it's beginning to look like sex might be going to happen.
You don't have to guess with ultrasound evidence or ask your doctor or anything, if you are going to go ahead with Ravgen and test with both guys. Yes, it costs, but look at the bright side, you don't need to beg your doctor for an ultrasound or pay for it out of pocket. And, as I said before, at least then you would know. Since it sounds like life and death, it seems you need to know. I assume finding out after the baby is born, and then putting the baby up for adoption, is out of the question? I would never get an abortion without evidence at least as good as from Ravgen that the baby was from the wrong man.
Does your husband know either thing -- one, that the baby might be from someone else, and two, the state of your marriage? I used to counsel total transparency, but it always depends on the situation. I am not as sure he deserves the slap in the face of learning that this baby *might* not be from him as much as he deserves you to tell him if you are feeling lonely in the marriage, and what might fix that. If you decide to go the difficult road of trying to hide this from him forever, you need to get moving and not just hope that everything will be all right. You also need to decide what you are going to do if the test proves the other guy is the dad, and how you are going to explain that to your husband.
Annie, you are wise and as always totally on point. I will follow your advice on the ultrasound scheduled on the 12th.i will call and ask DDC regarding 1. How they ensure the integrity of the test sample? Can day 17 fake it. And 2. How can i test my husband without telling him.
That brings me to the larger question. I do really love and care about my husband deeply. We have a 5 year old and my husband is an amazing father and a good husband. Why then you ask? I know day 17 at work and one thing led to another.i love being with him. He makes me feel
alive free light. Everything i don’t in my marriage. Day 17 has two kids is in a similar spot. Neither of us expect to leave our spouses. Of course now everything is different complicated and pretty awful. He has anger issues, is often not nice to me when we fight but he is passionate and fun.
I have spoken to my husband about our troubles but i realize that things won’t change much. I have to focus on the good and stick with that.
All on point, Annie.he appears more cooperative now and has agreed to do the paternity test. I checked with DDC and they recommended to only test with one because the results are definitive. Besides DDC only tests with blood or cheek swab and blood which I cannot ask my husband for. Also they can’t test the paternity if i am carrying twins.
So, here’s my strategy —do the ultrasound next week, get the due date on measurements, confirm no twins.
Schedule the paternity test with DDC anyway. And hope for the best.
I had been seeing day 17 for 2.5 years so it was definitely also an emotional relationship but I see the fantasy in it . Sort of like an escape !!!which is probably what we both were for each other.
I have kept things cool and businesslike since yesterday after he apologized.
In the case i am carrying twins, he will do the sperm analysis which should prove conclusively if his vasectomy is still good and will avoid my doing another CBD
Another CVS because I am scheduled to do that anyway at 10weeks. If it’s twins a blood draw doesn’t work. i checked with Ravgen but their testing facilities are very far. DDC is more expensive but they have testing facilities nearby.
Would a sperm analysis be as definitive? If it shows that he has swimmers then we’ll have to do the paternity test anyway. Without insurance the sperm analysis comes to 250. And if I end up needing to do both it will be over 2000 !!! :(
I feel like I am back to being confused. I will call Ravgen tomorrow to ask 1. If they have testing facilities nearby 2. If can do discrete dna testing so i can also test my husband. If yes to both i will go with Ravgen rather than DDC.
You are absolutely right —-if day 17 tests negative on the paternity test I’ll never know for sure unless my husband tests positive. Alternatively it’ll have to be the paternity test and sperm analysis. That’s foolproof, right? In the event that they can’t do discrete testing.
I read online that vasectomy reversals are very rare after checking the sperm after the 6 month -20 ejaculations period. Even if the vasectomy naturally heals, his sperm count is very unlikely to have got me pregnant. The doctors gave me 1-2% chances to conceive naturally. Only 15% with IVF. Also day 17 didn’t come in me, but I realize that still might not matter. I had sex with my husband on the 8th and the 9th. With day 17th on the 11th.
What is your opinion about at home spermcheck kits. There’s a post vasectomy kit. Wondering if I could ask him to do that.
It’s very hard to wait.