Afraid.

[Jack25]

I posted this in another forum, sorry about that it was not the proper one.

I seriously need help, im a pretty healty person, nor drugs, nor alcohol i have goods friends, i never have fights with people, but since i was 10 or 11 years old, i believe, I´ve had something along the lines of a killing urge. I know it might sound ridiculous but it is true, and i cannot cope with it any longer.

It´s been in total 10 times i´ve almost done that, im nervous. When im about to do that i lose all senses, it´s like time stops, i hear nothing but hear a voice (i believe mine) i dont know if it´s what i think but it says :  Interesting!. And sounds like a little child.

The first time was when i was in class, and there was my best friend sitting in front of me ( there was nothing or murder, nor anger, no grudges, that could have triggered it, at least i think so) and i suddenly felt a little light, i pick up the scissors, and my hand reaches out to stab her ! i couldn´t stop myself! and there was the voice being cruious again: how will it look? i want to know!
It was awful! i was about to kill her in the middle of the class! i remained calm but i saw everything in slow motion, if someone hadn´t talked to me, i would have done it!

That´s one of the times, the other ones it´s been the same, and it´s been the same little childish voice, and there´s no previous anger or fights, it happens out of the blue!, im really afraid, i think i can´t conrol it anymore, im afraid of what i can do, im seriously needing help. I´ve been to 2 Psychologists before this started, and both said that im fine, and now i don´t have  the money to attend one again, why if they both say i was fine and healty this happens now? I have what you could call a normal life, no tragedies nor anything of the sort.

I would be grateful if someone could help me, i don´t know what to do anymore.

[Ruthi71]

I've been dealing with anxiety since 1984.   A small dose of Xanax, not very often, worked. I'm slim, eat well and am very active great-grandmother. Two years ago a family situation put my panics into high gear.  They've now been resolved.  I've had 2 psychiatrists and 2 Dr's say they can't help me as I'm not depressed and sleep well.  I took all their prescriptions (SSRI's) which made me sicker than I could handle.  Xanax is the only thing that helps take the edge off.  The panic hits when I awake from a sound nights sleep. I'm on 4 mg from that time until Noon.  The afternoons and evenings are fine. Then it starts all over.  No one can figure out this pattern as yet.  

I had a disruptive childhood and later years with abandons and rejections.  My therapist says this is my problem but we haven't been able to "fix" it.  Those people are all dead and gone and I don't  think of them.

I'm thinking that I may be going thru withdrawals every morning, since I haven't had any Xanax for 18 hrs.

I've seen an MD/OB/GYN .  She deals in women's health, preferring natural supplements (mostly amino acids). Ten of those did nothing for the panic.  I'm now on 5-htp, 100 mg at bedtime and 100 a.m.  Still need the Xanax.

Any helpful suggestions.  I will not take Valium or Klonopin or any other drug to try and detox from Xanax.

Thanks,  Ruthi

[Jack25]

Thank you Doctor, and thanks to you too gingnjoe

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

Jack, you have been going to the wrong therapist's.  You should be seeing a psychiatrist because you have what is usually called an obsession and it can be treated.  From what you've described, it probably has a very distinct childhood origin so you need someone who is well trained in psychoanalytic psychotherapy.  Your outer life might be fine but in her life needs some serious exploration in order to put this obsession to rest.

[gingnjoe]

Just please don' t do it. Go to a hospital and tell them what's going on so they can admit you. They will admit you and get you help.  That way you don't have to worry about the money until later when the bill comes in and then you'll hopefully be on the right track.  The hospital has many different ways they can get you help.  PLEASE GO! YOU'VE RECOGNIZED THIS ISN'T RIGHT. DON'T HURT ANYONE PLEASE.