I wasn't planning on posting a question in this forum today. Maybe one on the emotional eating expert forum entitled beyond bingeing. Not one here though.
Firstly, I feel that some members, me included, are unwell, uncontained and easily triggered. I thought this could provide an opportunity for stabilizing advice.
Do we need to be reminded about how to keep ourselves and others safe on the internet?? I don't know but I feel things are getting out of control. I don't know about others but I feel I need you to take some control so it can remain a safe place to post.
My second question is regarding my own health.
How does one judge when one needs medical input and intervention?
I haven't been coping, or coping very well, for a long time. I assume you read all the posts and know some of the history. I have been feeling pretty shut down (tired, lacking energy, etc). I have been binge eating. I have been taking the 1 mg of lorazepam at night. My mood has been deteriorating quite significantly in the evening.
Currently I don't feel capable of breaking this cycle. I would like to but ...
I continue to see my GP weekly but basically all it is is a review to tell me that any support is a long way off happening. It is pretty discouraging.
I fluctuate between feeling I need support on a fairly urgent basis to feeling I am unwell but are OK.
I was really wanting advice from a trusted, responsible adult. The medical training is important too.
I just feel so lost and confused. I have already struggled for months beyond what I felt was comfortable to tolerate. Although I am resilient I don't know if I want to or can keep doing this. It is extremely stressful.
I see my doctor on Tuesday. I don't know what to say to him. Also I feel trapped because the options all seem overwhelmingly stressful.
Like the other member I am unsure how to access support when it has been so harmful and damaging in the past.
I know this question is for the doctor but i just wanted to say that I agree about the control and the trigger issues and everyone needs to be able to use these forum's and remain safe and like you i feel it is a bit out of control.
I know you are a very valuable and supportive member of this forum and you help a lot of people. Its a shame you don't get the help you really need, it is good though to keep in touch with your doctor even though they aren't very helpful at times.
I hope you get some good advice and that it helps.
Thanks! I just thought it was the dumbest question ever. What am I doing? Why is my behavior out of control when I come on these forums? Is my problem that I can't sit with the anxiety and the fragmentation that this is creating? I know I use to feel more contained when the doctor would respond to posts more regularly/ frequently. Am I now bringing all my emotional issues into this medium, one of the few places I would consider safe, if not challenging for me.
Maybe this is just a reflection of what is going on in my own life (and it didn't need a trigger or catalyst).
At home I know I have gotten frustrated with everything being in my personal space. The cats, the dogs, the chickens, the flies, my parents, workmen, ...
I feel it may be me who has made it unsafe. Or has contributed to it being unsafe.
I feel everybody here makes a worthwhile contribution. I also see this in the doctor supporting and sometimes adding to other members feedback. To me it shows a level of trust and confidence in the community. It is nice to feel a part of something.
Short of going to the bank and getting a debit plus card and investing in Dr Gould's program I have no idea what to do.
I have concerns that any review that does take place, if it ever does, will be rushed and won't be helpful. There aren't too many specialists here specializing in bpd and to have two of them away is concerning. I feel it could have significant implications for any future treatment.
Thank you for your concern and support. I hope your treatment next week goes well.
I have always found your posts very warm, helpfull and enlightening.
You seem to have everything well under control to me, but I understand myself that what 'appears' to be the case isn't always and posting online gives only a small part of the whole picture.
You mention seeing your GP every week. Do you see a psychiatrist? From my experience, they have been the only ones experienced enough to deal with the pharmacological aspects of 'mental health'. I would strongly urge you, if you haven't already, to build a strong releationship with a shrink until you find as close to normal a balance you can with medication.
I am quite impressed by the many posters here on the various forums. It's sad in a way that there are so many people out there experiencing many of the symptoms I do. It's nice to have found a place where we can share our situations with those who understand.
I always have a lot to say..but if there were one thing I could impart from my 45 years of experience with anxiety/depression, it is that everyone should always be looking for a 'physical reason' for their problems.. That it's not 'in your head' and that you are not 'crazy'.
There is a physical reason for the symptoms you have.
Keep up the great work Jaquta, and may you get well soon!
I think things are far from being managed or under control though. I honestly thought that this was obvious for everyone to see. I guess that gives me a sense of privacy though.
Someone once mentioned that they thought I was very self-aware and insightful so perhaps this is what has sometimes gotten in the way of me accessing support.
Perhaps I am also so defensive I wear a mask so others can't see my vulnerability.
I thought I was transparent, regarding most things. Not all, but most.
No, I don't see a psychiatrist. I have a history within the service and I find the doctors anything but helpful. I also have an issue with doctors giving patients ect so I have an incredibly difficult time trying to sit with someone who has performed this treatment on others. That is probably one of my more recent reservations about seeing one.
I personally don't want to be medicated. I can understand why others would choose to, and need to be, but I would prefer not to go down that route.
What I find ironic is that here there is a whole community of people who, besides suffering, are caring, compassionate and empathetic and in the real world often you are only confronted with ignorance and discrimination.
I think sharing our stories and our lives helps us but I still think that there is an often underfunded and under-resourced health care system that is also failing many of us.
Physical reason? So your chemical imbalance theory fits that criteria.
Emotional responses can change brain chemistry and structure too. Your philosophy seems quite broad and that it would encompass every difficulty. Sounds like my doctor when he says everything is stress-related. Well it is, isn't it? Pick something apart and it is going to be stressed at some point.
I'm sure there is a physiological reason for my symptoms but is it functional in today's society?
Thank you for your thought provoking post. I hope things go well for you too.
I saw my GP today. There was no immediate help available. Unless you count a script for medication and a referral to some person which is sitting in the pipeline.
He said there's nothing he can do. His job isn't to provide therapy ?or to advocate for me. I can't remember if that's what he said because he has been advocating.
I kind of tuned out after a few minutes.
He said he's seen me chewed up by the system and has seen how damaging that's been.
I don't see that there is any further point in asking for help. Better just to stay at home and make peace with myself.
Am I to assume that if your doc told you you had diabetes and needed insulin that you wouldn't take it? It is medication after all...
Why "prefer not go down that route" that can improve your situation, unless of course you find it safer to stay where you are?
Getting a good psychiatrist to work with you and find a solution is a difficult task at best. Getting a GP is surely a crap-shoot. You typical psychiatrist doesn't perform ECT. And the one's that do, when administered correctly, are probably saving many lives.
I wasn't really talking about 'chemical imbalances' as being the physical reason for anxiety and depression. Yes emotions can cause chemical imbalances, but 'emotions' aren't thoughts or something mystical.. They are physical... your nervous system is as physical as it comes. it's the driving force behind everything in your body..and your emotions are simply one way for you to experience your nervous system. The physical reasons I was referring to are real illnesses, physical defects, disease.... What we 'feel' is what we are.. nothing more physical then that!
You last statement reveals a lot..."I don't see that there is any further point in asking for help. Better just to stay at home and make peace with myself"
This is classic depression. If you have a guarantee that someone will take care of you for the rest of your life, and you don't have to face the outside world EVER if you don't want to..then well will that person take care of me too? :-)
You sound like a very intelligent person and I seriously doubt that you are content with how you feel. Don't sit back and accept your situation as something out of your control, or deemed necessary by outside forces.
I've been down this road you're on..and I traveled in circles for a long, long time.
I paid heavy prices too...and the effects are lifelong. If I found answers earlier, my life would be a lot different today...I HAVE to llive with them now.
Don't waste the talent and intelect you have hiding when a better life is yours for the asking.
Possibly I will develop diabetes before too long if I can't manage my mental health issues and binge eating.
You're missing the step where the doctor actually prescribes it.
If you have an accident and you lose a leg, will medication bring it back?
Why would I choose to medicate losses (emotional or physical)?
Improve my situation based on what? What others perceive my problems to be?
Medication doesn't cure bpd. At best it alleviates symptoms and provides accessibility.
I expect it is less threatening for me to remain stuck in a situation that at best is familiar.
My GP has more common sense than the majority of psychiatrists here combined.
I expect there is a personal element to it too where I prefer to be treated by someone who listens to me and treats me with respect. Someone who will accept me for who I am despite needing to make changes.
Every psychiatrist in my area does. I use to find it difficult listening to receptionists, staff, etc making flippant remarks about ect and patients while waiting for therapy.
And how many lives are they destroying? In my opinion it should be banned.
Medication and everything else aside no treatment decisions are being made until I have a review (which has yet to be organized). ??
I'm a bit slow with all the micro stuff I like to be able to see and touch stuff. I'm probably not very good with abstract stuff either. I like tangible things.
I think that's too simplistic. I don't think feelings accurately describe what or who we are.
Is it? Then why doesn't my doctor treat me for depression?
I think it's an attitude when I feel fed up and don't give a stuff anymore. And maybe even where a small part of me feels so hurt and angry that I just want to withdraw and not put myself out there to be rejected or ignored. Where I think I can use the hurt to galvanize me into action. It doesn't happen like that. I don't suddenly feel better or more energized or more driven. All I have is myself. Not a GP, not a T, not a friend.
Make peace. Grieve. Know on some level I tried. Accept the consequences.
Nobody is taking care or supporting me now.
Yes, that person will take care of you too. That person is inside each of us. It has the power to care for us and also the power to destroy us.
I can't grasp that concept because to me it is an illusion. (And intangible.)
It kind of ***** when life lessons are learned after painful experiences and irreversible consequences.
Thank you for your post. I do have another option. That is to go up to the hospital and ask for help. They already know that a problem exists though.
Do you even think when the emotional eating becomes habitual? Everything seems blunted.
I think the frustration and anxiety from refraining from over-eating are stressors. I think that when you give up you don't test or challenge each new moment or event.
I think it was a good blog and probably quite relevant to my situation.
I don't even think it's about the over-eating anymore. I guess that's what happens when you self-medicate with food, etc over long periods. Baby steps and incremental changes even seem beyond me. Usually I am able to find some way in but this time I feel it is alluding me.
There is so much to respond to here. Yet I won't, because it's impossible for me to write what can only be done adequately in face to face discussion. Too much is lost going back and forth in this type forum.
You are right about 1 thing that I agree with "All I have is myself."
We only have ourselves to answer to in the end. If you are comfortable where you are, content and satisfied with who you are, then I'm happy for you.
We both have chronic conditions that have no cure. We can do what we have to to cope with them and live as normal a life we can, medicated or not, or we can give up and wallow in pain and self pity.
Please know that in my own simple, perhaps incompetent way, I was just trying to help you.
I'm not a doctor, counselor, or really anything any more. Just a 'senior fellow' with a lengthy history of pain and suffering who feels for those going thru the same.
Thanks for all your advice and I really won't give up on you just yet :-)
I don't think it is so much the going back and forth because sometimes it can be helpful. Here it just seems to be pulling away at points that are irrelevant. I think maybe this has been something that has been happening. People show concern and compassion and the focus is drawn to the perceived less important material. I guess that elicits anxiety about being heard and understood. I guess the real source of the pain is not validated either.
I'm pretty sure I didn't say that I felt fulfilled with my life and where I'm at now.
I didn't say that bpd has no cure. I said that medication doesn't cure it.
Let me indulge in this state before I again try and work my way through this.
They say that life is a marathon and not a sprint. Currently I feel as though I have hit the wall. Drink breaks feel few and far between in this marathon.
Whatever you've done you've helped elicit a small part of that fighting spirit that seemed to have deserted me. Thanks! It's a start and gives me something to work with again.
We're all counsellors in our own way.
I know you're trying to help. It's just me and where I'm at.
We sound a little like two hurt individuals leaning on each other for strength and support. One doing more leaning though mind you. Sorry! I must be quite heavy.
Anyway, don't these stories all have a happy ending in the movies.
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