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Crippling guilt

Doctor,
I need your advice due to some anxiety I am suffering.  I am happily married, and my wife and I are expecting our first baby in a couple of months. Back in Feb 2013 on a drunken night out I did something v stupid and slept with a very overweight/unattractive prostitute.  I was bullied/coerced into it by my older brother who paid for me, I think he did it to have a joke at my expense.  Afterwards I became obssessed that I had an std and had to get tested repeatedly, and spent a lot of money on various std tests.  All were negative.  Now I am feeling extreme guilt over the matter, I love my wife dearly and feel this is now a permanent stain on my whole life.  Some days I can't stop thinking about it and I get very anxious and depressed. I confronted my brother and said that he bullied me into it, but he said I chose the prostitute, it was my decision and I could have said no, I know I did repeatedly say I didn't want to but then backed down, I do remember that he chose the prostitute for me.  The encounter was so dirty and sordid and if can't stop obsessing about it - the guilt sometimes is crippling, it affects me at work.  I desperately want to get on with my life, as it was before, I don't want to still feel like this when our baby arrives, I don't want to
be worrying life this for the rest of my life.  I know I could tell my wife and ask for forgiveness, but for her I think it is best not to, it would destroy her and she is blissfully unaware of the whole thing and for her sake I'd like to keep
it that way, in a way it would be selfish to tell her just to absolve me of my guilt.  But I need to deal with these guilty feeling and move on, but can't, I wonder if the guilty feelings might subside over time?  Can you offer any advice? should I seek professional help?
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Avatar universal

I agree with mom3209 about seeing the help of a therapist/counselor.
I don't think you should tell your wife. I think this would only hurt her.
She doesn't need to know. You should however go into counselling
so you have an opportunity to talk about this. Every body makes mistakes
in their lives. I wish you and your wife the best and congratulations on
the upcoming birth of your child.  Peace, Eve
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Please seek the help of a therapist/counselor. Something like this will ruin your marriage and your conscious forever. She deserves to know and then make a decision whether or not she wants you a part of her life and your new child's life. SHE deserves to know.
Helpful - 0
351246 tn?1379682132
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Great Davo4! I am happy that your guilt is subsiding (it should because it was just a huge one night MISTAKE under the efefct of alcohol). Please concentrate on your wife and the baby who is about to make your world still more beautiful. However as Ann2497 said, if your brother ever speaks up, then you must have an answer ready.

Having said this, it is always advisable to build trust and faith in a relationship and not hide anything from your partner. Still, the choice is entirely yours and you alone know the depth and extent of your relationship with your wife. The timing unfortunately is not right and it is a tough decision to make.

Hope you find peace of mind and acceptance of the mistake and become totally guilt free. I wish you a very happily married life ahead! At any stage if you feel lost or if your brother speaks up or if you decide to speak up yourself, then please take the help of a counselor or this site.

I am thankful to all who contributed to this tread and advised you. Hope you find your answers and are able to chalk a path forward that gives you both peace and happiness! All the best!
Helpful - 0
1831920 tn?1320857757
I would say don't tell her and have a response ready if your brother ever does.  You completely regret what happened, it will NEVER happen again, so, what purpose would it serve now that your guilt is subsiding?  It will hurt her to the core and with a new baby, that is the last thing you need.  Plus, if she has post partum depression, it could be a recipe for disaster.
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Avatar universal
I think it is pretty unlikely my brother would say anything, it's impossible to say it would never come up sometime in the future, but I think the chances are very low.  I'm still weighing up which way to go, although in the last few days my guilt has subsided and I am not thinking about the situation all-the-time as I was before.  I'm concentrating at the moment on the arrival of our baby.  
Helpful - 0
1831920 tn?1320857757
I think that your guilt will subside.  I have had bad guilt due to an affair but with time, I don't think about it at all.  I wouldn't tell her.  Your marriage will never be the same.  However, what is the chance your brother will say something?
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hi Panda,
Thanks for taking the time to give me your view.  As it stands at the moment I still haven't told her, she is now nearly 35 weeks pregnant and telling her now could be disastrous, I don't want to risk her getting so upset that it affects the health of her and the baby.  Then once the baby arrives the months after that will also be tough as we will both be very tired.  It is a really difficult situation.  I still think about it every day, but I wouldn't say it is affecting me at work.  It does get me down when I think about it and try and analyse it too much, and I have to tell myself to stop thinking about it! I will have to use the next couple of months to have a good think about this, decide which is the best way to handle it, whether to tell her or not.  I completely agree in theory it would be best to tell her, to get the secret out that way and lay it out in the open.  I think she would forgive me, but then how would it affect our marriage from then on? she would find it hard to trust me again.  But on the other side of the coin, if I don't tell her, we'll always have this secret between us, unless I can get over it in my head.  I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.  I will trying and update this thread with whatever happens..
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hmmm....very tough situation, and unfortunatly I have been in same situation. I am a female though and dated both women and men. My ex gf I cheated on beibg wasted, and ate at me like the flesh eating virus at my skin...at first then, deeper and sharper. I def kbow that agonizing, crippling guilt. You will begin to lash out on her or others ,then may even start to resent het the longer u wait...u can rationaluze all u want in whos fault it was n this and that...but u didnt trip fall, and land in her...lol, i mean for real. Taking respinsibility is hatd as ****, but step one, get over our selfishness in might having to lose tbem. If they truly love u...they should cool off after whayever fit they may suffer. Just be as regretful,remorseful and hurt as u are now. She will see and feel you. With a new baby on the way may not be such a good idea, as far as putting that stress on baby too and could cause ither mental disorders when tbe baby arrive....post pardom syndrom....u kbow it will cone out, I promise u that, expecially ur bro sounds like a duesh to even let u in that state even if u did pick ...our beer goggles is our,worst side and judgement is beyond impaired with alxohol...our values and self respect kibda goes out the window along with any ambition...lol. So Id wait til after baby, unless u feel she can handle it in a decent, healthy manner.....good luck. u must accept what u did, own up to it,take reslonsibility as hatd n disguested as u may feel....**** happens n we have all slelt,with a cow....just happens...let it b a lesson learned, not a crippling burden. Then,after u do that the rest is on your better judgment...but they always find out even if 10 years down the road n trust me it hurts worse...u feel deceived for that long, and what else could u have lued about n for how long ghen your trust will never try regain...like turning urself into jail...get it over with n better outcome instead of getting caught, and most likely pucking up an xtra charge.....good luck bro...manda xoxoxo
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Don't tell her.  Google mindfulness and learn to practice radical acceptance. It will break the cycle ogu u going over and over it.
Helpful - 0
351246 tn?1379682132
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Hi!
After reading your post, one thing is apparent: You are basically a good human being who got caught in an unacceptable situation due to drinking. Naturally you are feeling the guilt now and are feeling depressed and overwhelmed by this whole situation.
There are two ways to look at the situation. One is not to tell your partner as you want to do it. However, since your brother is involved, there is always a risk of the whole thing coming out in open in the future. Relationships change and your brother may blurt it out one day. If this happens, your wife will be doubly hurt—by your night out and by your hiding this from her. Also, since husband-wife relationship is based on truth and intimacy, this night with the prostitute will keep nagging your conscience. You may one day blurt it out yourself and the delay in telling her will cause her greater hurt.
The other thing is to tell her openly about the night. It is not like having an affair. Its something you did while you were drunk and abhorred the whole experience. Believe me, this is a tougher way out because you have to then deal with her reaction, may be hatred and rejection. But if you handle this well, and accept her anger and reaction with dignity and patience, she may come around. You will need to be extra sensitive to her needs, accept her on her terms (for some time at least) and assure her that this will not happen in future. To avoid being carried away like this again, make sure you do not overindulge when you are out. Drink only one peg, for company and remain sober.
However, your wife is in a delicate situation and needs a lot of emotional support from her. Hence, it would be advisable to seek professional help at this stage. I would advise you to tell her everything with the help of a professional therapist. This will lessen her emotional turmoil. I know may therapists will support your line of thinking, but I have seen relationships going sour in situation like yours where a partner hears from third person regarding a breach in confidence. Also, later your child would be older and more likely to be affected by any such disclosures than now. I always suggest you place yourself in your spouse’s position and think—what if your wife had a one night sex with someone in a drunken state. Would you want to be told about it? Or would you want to remain blissfully unaware? How would you deal with the hurt? Etc.
However, you know her best. So first consult a psychologist on your own and discuss in detail. See what the therapist suggests. These sessions will help you deal with your guilt. Remember it was one night mistake in a drunken state and not a full blown affair you were carrying out behind her back. There is a huge difference between the two. Always remember this and gain strength from this. A grave mistake was made. Now you have to repent and move on in life. Take strength from your relationship with your wife and remember you love her and never meant to hurt her. Good Luck and take care!
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