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Depression/Mental Health Forum
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Avatar universal

Depression?

I'm sorry if I seem rude, it's just that I'm very tired. These symptoms have been quite long term, and after seeing my doctor, we have pretty much ruled out most thyroid conditions and there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with my metabolism. At the same time, I am anaemic, and am seeking counselling for issues. Basically, physically, I'm worn through, or I feel it. I don't have the energy to go on with life. I am tired all the time. I know I sleep badly, because I wake up early in the morning every 20 minutes or so - and I know this is learned behaviour, because I need to wake up early sometimes and I have a deep lying fear of my alarm clock. I do think this disrupts my sleep, but I've become a very restless sleeper of late. I was talking to a friend, and it was rather strange, because I could remember my 'nightmares' for the past week - and she laughed, saying I had more nightmares than she had -dreams-, but I could recall them all rather well - and with no conscious 'lying'. I tend to have very horrible, anxious dreams, which wake me up. I mean, not even typical nightmares - a dream about buying groceries suddenly becomes claustrophobic and anxious. Simply, regardless of whether I go to sleep at 7 or 12, I am exhausted the whole time. Seriously - some times, I cannot get out of bed to face the world. I have this horrible trend of falling asleep face down on things - one of my friends found me face down on a book in the library, and I keep falling asleep in 10-min breaks in long lessons and face down on my computer while doing work at night. It's funny, because a few years ago, I used to have episodes where I could go a mile a minute for hours and days, and whenever I mention this, I get raised eyebrows, but this is no more. I have a family history of bipolar disorder - and I've never known it to become 'full depression', and regardless of any hyper/down cycles in my past, I think this can be pretty much ruled out.
9 Responses
242532 tn?1269553979
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
I gave you the wrong website..  You should go to my virtual shrink.com
Avatar universal
Anyway, physical symptoms - massively tired all the time, difficulty fighting off infections, huge, huge fatigue, general aches and pains, an indication of anaemia which my doctor’s investigated a bit and found no obvious cause of, no thyroid or metabolic disorders (this was very closely examined, I can promise you), fluctuating weight (sometimes I’m an absolute pig and I can’t say why, sometimes I eat because I feel I need the energy, sometimes I don’t eat because I can’t face eating alone, feel very sick, feel disgusted at the idea of fat or FOOD GERMS!, feel, frankly, now that I’m getting a little more used to facing my emotions and am safe in my internet anonymity, that my diet is something I can at least control compared to everything else, feel that there’s no point in trying to keep myself alive, feel that I don’t deserve to eat), bruising, a tendency to not what I’d call self harm, but accidents (okay, I don’t cut, but I slipped shaving, cut my leg open, and… I… I don’t know. I didn’t react, retrospectively, like I think I would have normally. And I smacked myself in the face with a door today, and felt I deserved it, and…it….I have no idea of how to explain it without the crazy. It’s like I did it deliberately, without thinking). Low energy. Stress pains, long diagnosed as that by various doctors, not extreme but unpleasant – head and back, largely because I get very stressed and tend to tense up when that happens, particularly my back. Feeling sick, physically sick.

Mentally – mentally tired all the time. I tend to dislike people, and think people dislike me. I hate having to go outdoors. I panic when talking to people, my mind goes blank. I HATE MYSELF! I think I have no right to even exist. I wish I were dead and nobody ever knew I was alive. I am not going to – you know – I’m really sorry – do the deed and end it all, because it’d hurt my family, and I am not worth enough for them to suffer, and even if I were, I would never want that to happen, ever. I just hope I get hit by a bus or something before I hit thirty. I think, I mean, logically, that if I’m “lucky” I’ll have at least another fifty years of this life ahead of me, and I cannot cope with that. I see it as another fifty years in jail. I get claustrophobic and agoraphobic – I mean, scared of being enclosed, scared of the open, not in the clinical sense, I use these words loosely – periodically. I cannot make new friends. I feel too – I feel like an infected open wound. Whatever I do, I’ll screw it up… why have friends? I’ve been betrayed before and I have difficulty befriending people. I feel stupid ALL THE TIME. I feel… I can’t put it in words… people scare me now. I’m awful. I’m insignificant. I can’t get near people. I haven’t had a relationship in YEARS. I can’t talk properly to people, I find myself grinning stupidly because I think it’s an non-aggressive gesture, I hate having to reveal my emotions or opinions, and well… someone patted me on the back, and I nearly bit their head off. Physical intimacy, no matter how platonic, between me and anyone else freaks me out. Okay, this isn’t any textbook daddy issue, I love my old friends and family and I can hug and kiss on the cheek old friends and family members, but I find it difficult to even shake hands with a stranger, and the idea of sex turns my stomach. I think of it as being… eugh, I don’t know. Something I should be interested in, but all those fluids and flailing limbs – EUGH! I don’t know why, but most physical intimacy, and increasingly, any emotional intimacy disgusts me. Really, I don’t want any man with whom I could realistically have a relationship – once I realise that possibility, it’s not a possibility? I’d rather never be able to be with someone than fall in love. The idea of that is actually emotionally claustrophobic. I am always sad, always lonely. I don’t understand people like I used to. I feel that something in this world I live in has gotten dislocated and diseased, and God help me, I think it’s me. I feel angry for no reason, defensive and helpless, occasionally paranoid, always sad. I feel like I have nothing to fight for any more. I feel like I’m aimless, have no future. I’d rather feel nothing, but my emotions have spiralled out of my control. I have this… crippling self hatred… I shouldn’t…anything. Aspire or dream or love or be worth anything. I wish the ground would just open up and swallow me whole. I’m going to fail my degree because I have lost all drive in my life – and I can see that, and it’s like there’s two mes, but the side of me which wants to fight, which wants to have a good life, is getting weaker and weaker by the day. I just want to give up and die. I’ve also been thinking about the past more and more – and why does it hurt so much? And why do I wish I could retreat into this dream world and never have to deal with anyone ever again? Just relive those good memories of people I can no longer see, and happiness which no longer exists? And ending it all, or retreating entirely, would be so easy, but I still feel like this part of my brain is some sick, macabre, alien-the-film-esque parasite feeding on my emotions, and I don’t want to say I’m gone and used up yet. I want to fight back. I need to kick and scream at this …. Thing….in my freaking brain! But I feel like I’m getting so weak, and what is the point in trying to stand up for myself any more? I don’t think I can remember. I feel like I’m losing myself.

Um. I’m sorry. Basically, is this reminiscent of any mental disorder? Because I’m losing hope in changing anything here, and I’m losing it fast. I’m talking to someone and touching on the idea of depression, but maybe that is some definition they throw at all upset students?

I am sorry for the length of this, and sorry if I have been rude. Thank you very much!
- Orange
455167 tn?1259261471
Howdy. You are having classic symptoms of both depression and anxiety disorders. You are not unique as myself and others here can definitely relate to the stress, hopelessness, pain and frustration. You mentioned that you were seeking counseling. Is this with a psych specialist? Have you been given a formal diagnosis? There is help available through therapy and/or medication. You don't have to, nor were you meant to live this way. Please advise as to what, if any so far, psych evaluations or recommendations you have received. Were here to help! Take care, GM
Avatar universal
Hi. I really did hope there was someone who can relate. People in my life seem to think this is a phase that I'll get over on my own, but I have long lost faith in that. Incidentally, and this sounds dodgy, is there any way I can cover the bruise on my face and stop the cut from scarring? I know, this sounds like I'm asking for self harm advise, and I'm really not. I just don't want scars and I really don't want to go to uni on Monday with a nice big bruise on my face. I'm told if you try and cover them, they look worse, but... anyway, do depression and anxiety coexist, if that makes sense? I'm just getting to the stage where I panic so much, and I never used to be that. I never panic about normal things - anything dangerous or massively unknown doesn't bother me, but anything about appearing outside or socializing is getting particularly bad. I can do very reckless things, or so I'm told they are, and panic about walking past a stranger in the street. My counsellor is a psych specialist - specialising in Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. I don't know if she's a proper psychiatrist, but she mentioned something which I took to mention she's pretty well qualified. She's employed by my uni so I guess she must be good. I am starting Cognitive Behaviour stuff, but it seems to be going so slowly, and I don't know if that's normal? I really do just want a quick fix. I know that's no answer, but I just feel...stuck?
Avatar universal
I think the physical stuff is separate to the emotional stuff, but does affect it.
I've been iron deficient for what seems like forever now and it has left me feeling exhausted and at times significantly depressed.  If you treat the cause of the anemia you should find that your mood lifts.
An increased number of infections and inability to fight them can also be caused by compromised immunity due to anemia.
I found that with the iron deficiency that I was binge eating quite badly.  I assumed I was emotional eating due to stress or fatigue due to lack of sleep.  The binge eating decreased once I started taking iron tablets.

I have or have had some of the issues/ symptoms you mention.  While I get depressed and are pretty anxious at times I have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.  You could research the disorder if you're interested.
Regardless of what diagnosis is given the doctor here emphasizes the importance of treating the symptoms.  It's not a bad approach to treatment.

Therapy probably feels so slow because you have so much going on.  I don't think that good therapy should feel like that.

There are rarely any quick fixes in mental health.  This also isn't something that you will just get over, you do need the support of mental health professionals.
The usual practice, in my country anyway, is to see a psychiatrist and then be referred to a psychologist.

Ice the bruise.  How bad is the cut?  If it's not too deep, etc and doesn't need a doctor to look at it make sure you keep it clean.  Depending on my cuts I may either put a plaster on them (or cut them up and make butterfly ones) or leave the wound exposed.  My sister went through the car windscreen when she was little and had bad cuts on her face.  From memory we used fish oil and/ or vitamin E.  You can barely see the scaring now.

Accidents can happen due to decreased concentration but they can also happen because we don't respect and take care of ourselves.

You should clarify your counsellor's position and see a psychiatrist if she's not one.  I would probably opt to see your family doctor and ask for a referral to the local mental health services (accessing a psychiatrist and psychotherapist).  In my experience tertiary education therapists have limitations.

I hope this info helps a little.
455167 tn?1259261471
Hello. Let's see, if you have a cut 24 hours or more old, to my understanding most Drs will not stitch it due to increased risk of infection. As far as scarring, there is something called mederma, I think, that is specifically for that purpose. Anxiety and depression most certainly can coexist, I deal with both daily. A CBT therapist is prolly a good place to start, and ya, it can be slow at times, but over time, you will likely notice progress. Let us know how you're doing, and remember, you're not alone. Take care, GM
Avatar universal
Thank you both so much for your help!

I ended up squishing my bruise with an ice-pack and that seemed to stop the swelling and bruising, but it still showed a little. Nowhere near as bad as it feels, which I'm glad for. I think the leg wasn't hugely deep, but I have a tendency to scar - especially on my legs. I fell on a climbing frame when I was six and still have the scar more than a decade on. Cuts might be better, since most of my cut scars are less than five years old, eh? It seems to drying quite a bit, if a little slowly. It's a little deeper than a normal razor cut. Like, if you were to be shaving vigorously and be leaning in, it'd be quite a bit deeper? As it seems to be drying out and healing, maybe I should leave it? I've covered it it with some gauze and tape (I'm allergic to elastoplast) and I haven't put any antiseptic in it, but should I? I've heard about fish oil as being good, and vitamin E... I mean, in terms of scars, how would it work (as in the process, not why... I'm sorry, sometimes English catches me out :P). I've never heard of Mederma. Is it meant to be good? And is it available where I live (the UK)?

I identify with the not respecting self thing - I HATE myself... and... I'm so frustrated. And I used to be so strong. And now I'm so WEAK. I'm sorry for speaking...or...well...heh...writing...so hotly, but I am! I am! And I hate being weak, and maybe I SHOULD suffer because I have become this weak shell of who I remember, so distantly, being. How can I respect what I have become? I barely have enough energy, respect, will to go through another day. Again, sorry for the emotive speech. If it this is that.

Counselling... I think it's just that I'm so tired of it going slowly. I want to jump in, but even if I had a chance, I don't think I could. I talked to my counsellor today and we got into that topic, and she said that it's ...well, like I've always thought, two mes. Only she said watching me, she could tell. There's me, really lively, vivacious, intelligent, and she said she could feel that I was full of emotion and good humour and adventurous spirit and huge amount of energy and .... life.... and then five minutes later I could be all hunched and defeatist and pessimistic and shy and simple-worded and sad and avoiding meeting her gaze. It's driving me insane... that idea, you know? Your confidence and your self-consciousness. Or whatever. Can CBT overcome that?

I'm a student, so I'm always so stressed, so busy. We work for our degrees, no matter what the TV says. I want to work my arse off, but I'm fighting myself. I have to fight myself to dedicate myself to the subject I know, deep down, I massively love.

I do hope that a CBT programme is slow but has results. I am so tired of being like this. I have clarified that she's capable, but unwilling, to prescribe most standard drugs, but seriously? Although I do want the quick way out, although I do just want to be the person I feel I used to be, is the best way through tackling the issues through therapy, or will, if therapy fails, the issues fade with the negative thoughts?

I'm sorry for my convoluted message. Again, multi-tasking. Again, many thanks for your response!
- Orange
Avatar universal
I was told by a surgical registrar that cuts also heal with a good diet.
I would probably leave the cut alone but there is an ask a nurse forum if you want to follow this up there.

I was thinking about the not respecting later.  I think, for me anyway, it is more about not valuing myself or feeling worthless.  It gets a bit confusing sometimes because as soon as you remove one layer there is another deeper one below.  The doctor talks about powerlessness a bit.  That will be there too.  Usually I would like to analyze what's going on for me but for now I feel it's enough just to acknowledge that it's there.

Although you feel weaker you are probably actually stronger.

I have felt the same at times.  I have experienced both healthy and destructive parts of my personality.  I think for the most part that the healthy part is very small.  With therapy it has become stronger and more robust.  It is still not whole or complete but it is perhaps better than it was.
Maybe your T should help you be addressing those issues which trigger the change (from happy, positive you, to negative and defeated you).  I don't know.  A good T should be able to help you sort all this stuff out (without leaving you feel even more confused).

I think the best way to sort stuff out is through therapy.
It would depend on why the therapy failed.  I think the negative thoughts decrease with the working through of the issues.

I don't want to make comments that will undermine your therapy so I think it is best for you to keep having discussions with your T.
And let this forum expert guide you.  He seems to know a thing or two.
242532 tn?1269553979
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
you certainly have stimulated a great deal of support from the members of this community.  There are good people and want to help you.  You are helping yourself by going to a therapist at your school and that is good. If you want  to go faster then I suggest that you go to my site called www.shrinkyourself.com.
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