Aa
ECT
I received several sessions of ECT against my will during while in a mental hospital. It has been four years since I've had the ECT and I have never been the same. I've suffered from depression from as far back as I can remember but there were times when I was okay and would feel happy or experience joy. I am an educated woman and I've always held executive level positions. I have not worked a day since the ECT. It's almost as if I have PTSD from the ECT. I fear the hospital and I get sick when I think of the ECT. I never experience joy or happiness. I cannot function or work. I have horrible loss of memory and serious panic attacts. I feel as if they took my life away. I don't know what to do. I live alone which makes it worst and my family chooses to ignore my depression. I was always the caretaker and now I'm so useless I think they are having a difficult time dealing with it, I've discussed this with my personal psychiatrist and he always says "it's sad" that my experience was so negative. I've visited other doctor's who have told me "we can't move backwards only forward." Nothing works! I cry constantly. I want to function again. Please do you have any suggestions?
It's OK to vent. I actually think it's healthy.
The problem with wanting someone to take responsibility is that no one ever does. The mhs, etc rarely take responsibility and are never held accountable. Even when people are harmed or killed they vigorously defend their actions. They are a law unto themselves and don't care how much damage they inflict on others. They use best practice and good health guidelines to hide behind and justify their actions.
As much as you need them to take ownership of what they have done, trust me, they won't. This validation is extremely important in recovery but they won't give it.
A qualified and experienced and empathetic therapist might though. This is what made the difference for me. Someone who listened to me, accepted me for who I was and who could understand how and why this could happen. Someone who expressed anger at what I had been through and how I was treated. Someone who was moved to tears by my experiences. Someone who wasn't afraid to say the mhs had failed me. Someone who said that they were responsible.
The validation was useful but seven years later I am still trying to pick up the pieces. Admission to the psych ward did a LOT of damage.
I think we get angry about our losses too. That is when we pick ourselves up enough to fight the injustice of the whole thing. For the most part it is easier not to feel anything and to berate and blame ourselves for everything. It is our fault, isn't it? If we had of made different choices, communicated better, been more skillful, ... It's them against us -and they're the ones forcing us to change and who're saying we're not OK or not good enough as we are, we're the ones who are inherently flawed.
I think the system misunderstand us and therefore mistreat us. This is an inherent problem of a system that doesn't understand the patients it is suppose to treat.
I don't know your circumstances but I don't believe you should have been treated involuntarily with ect.
I'm sorry about your job, your home, your income and your family, etc.
You may also have a lot of regrets and it's possible you blame the hospital for the lost time with your mother. It's basically robbed you of positive memories. After a while it becomes easy to attribute any and every negative experience to the hospital though. We need to watch this. They are responsible in a sense but now we need to take back control and own our issues and our lives.
That reminds me. I read this exercise about taking away power from some of the individuals who have hurt us. It said to visualize the person as a baby in a diaper in a busy shopping mall. I did this with the doctor who threatened me with ect. I found this worked for me. Get creative, do whatever you need to dis-empower them.
For me personally, I view all those treatments as being very similar to ect. I feel if you're going to opt for those you may as well have ect. This is just my view.
I'm tired of hearing about the efficacy of all those treatments. I personally wouldn't touch them with a barge pole. All the nurses in the hospital said they would have ect. I don't believe that for one moment (unless they're all seriously deluded which they probably are and that is why they work there in the first place).
You're medication resistant. I'm non-compliant with medication.
If I were you I would probably research treatment resistant depression. I would see what others say has worked for them. I would be cautious about following their path though.
I would possibly talk to a doctor about medication for the panic.
I would also definitely try psychotherapy again. I personally have found psychoanalysis extremely useful. I can't say enough about that because it and the therapist changed my life and life direction enormously. By intensive I meant lots of sessions per week. At one time I was fortunate enough to be offered three. I felt this worked really well for me (after getting use to the idea because I had been told by another T that one session per week was a luxury). I was told three was a necessity. When you have a lot going on or have had a lot go on one session seems pretty useless. I don't think you can get enough forward momentum to make any real change.
Now it's me prattling on. Good luck with everything.
J
The problem with wanting someone to take responsibility is that no one ever does. The mhs, etc rarely take responsibility and are never held accountable. Even when people are harmed or killed they vigorously defend their actions. They are a law unto themselves and don't care how much damage they inflict on others. They use best practice and good health guidelines to hide behind and justify their actions.
As much as you need them to take ownership of what they have done, trust me, they won't. This validation is extremely important in recovery but they won't give it.
A qualified and experienced and empathetic therapist might though. This is what made the difference for me. Someone who listened to me, accepted me for who I was and who could understand how and why this could happen. Someone who expressed anger at what I had been through and how I was treated. Someone who was moved to tears by my experiences. Someone who wasn't afraid to say the mhs had failed me. Someone who said that they were responsible.
The validation was useful but seven years later I am still trying to pick up the pieces. Admission to the psych ward did a LOT of damage.
I think we get angry about our losses too. That is when we pick ourselves up enough to fight the injustice of the whole thing. For the most part it is easier not to feel anything and to berate and blame ourselves for everything. It is our fault, isn't it? If we had of made different choices, communicated better, been more skillful, ... It's them against us -and they're the ones forcing us to change and who're saying we're not OK or not good enough as we are, we're the ones who are inherently flawed.
I think the system misunderstand us and therefore mistreat us. This is an inherent problem of a system that doesn't understand the patients it is suppose to treat.
I don't know your circumstances but I don't believe you should have been treated involuntarily with ect.
I'm sorry about your job, your home, your income and your family, etc.
You may also have a lot of regrets and it's possible you blame the hospital for the lost time with your mother. It's basically robbed you of positive memories. After a while it becomes easy to attribute any and every negative experience to the hospital though. We need to watch this. They are responsible in a sense but now we need to take back control and own our issues and our lives.
That reminds me. I read this exercise about taking away power from some of the individuals who have hurt us. It said to visualize the person as a baby in a diaper in a busy shopping mall. I did this with the doctor who threatened me with ect. I found this worked for me. Get creative, do whatever you need to dis-empower them.
For me personally, I view all those treatments as being very similar to ect. I feel if you're going to opt for those you may as well have ect. This is just my view.
I'm tired of hearing about the efficacy of all those treatments. I personally wouldn't touch them with a barge pole. All the nurses in the hospital said they would have ect. I don't believe that for one moment (unless they're all seriously deluded which they probably are and that is why they work there in the first place).
You're medication resistant. I'm non-compliant with medication.
If I were you I would probably research treatment resistant depression. I would see what others say has worked for them. I would be cautious about following their path though.
I would possibly talk to a doctor about medication for the panic.
I would also definitely try psychotherapy again. I personally have found psychoanalysis extremely useful. I can't say enough about that because it and the therapist changed my life and life direction enormously. By intensive I meant lots of sessions per week. At one time I was fortunate enough to be offered three. I felt this worked really well for me (after getting use to the idea because I had been told by another T that one session per week was a luxury). I was told three was a necessity. When you have a lot going on or have had a lot go on one session seems pretty useless. I don't think you can get enough forward momentum to make any real change.
Now it's me prattling on. Good luck with everything.
J
I have no idea if anything can help you, but if medication hasn't helped (by the way, 40% success is pretty for a medical procedure, and probably inflated. Meds work about 30% of the time, and often only temporarily, and psychotherapy has few studies that test effectiveness, but CBT came out only about 30%, too), then it might be time to try the old medicine. Natural remedies might be able to improve brain performance, by supplementing with nutrients that are associated with the brain such as phosphatidyl serine and choline and DHA and 5htp and taurine and tyrosine and many herbs that can help with relaxation and oxygenation of the brain. No idea if it would help, but it seems worth a try after what you've been through with allopathic medicine.
Reading your post about ect has made me feel extremely anxious and nauseous.
I was sectioned under the mental health act for severe depression (was discharged after one month, overdosed on discharge medication, then two weeks later had my leave revoked and was threatened with ect).
I'm sorry you had to go through that (or that anybody goes through that).
I don't think anybody is ever the same after having either experienced it or been threatened with it. For me, a comparison would be having someone hold a gun to my head, say they're going to kill me and then pull the trigger only to find there are no bullets in it. I think it's an extremely traumatic experience.
I think it's entirely plausible that you may have ptsd.
For me I had pretty horrific nightmares after my experiences in hospital. With the ect I was the opposite to you. I read everything I could find on the subject including stuff on lobotomies done with icepicks, etc. I watched One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, etc (despite my heart rate going through the roof).
I do fear the hospital though. I don't have much to say on that.
The, "It's sad" response makes me feel extremely angry. Livid, in fact.
It's true that we can't change the past and therefore should focus on now and what we can change.
It's possible that the memory loss is made worse by the anxiety/ panic. I know that is hard to trust, much easier to blame the ect. For me, after hospital everything was horrible for (my memory, my ability to think and to think clearly -everything). This actually made me believe they had given me ect. I was very paranoid and insecure.
Part of what you're going through may also be grief for your losses. Lots of losses. Where does one even start? Personality, free will, employment, caregiver role, etc.
And possibly even anger that you went through this. If it were something you chose then it would be different.
It's unfortunate about the family. They probably ignore it because it makes them feel uncomfortable. Many people don't really understand it, or understand that it is an illness. I would've had understood if I hadn't experienced it myself.
Probably my number one suggestion would be to have psychotherapy (probably pretty intensive too -initially anyway) with a well qualified and experienced therapist.
I don't know how you feel about psychiatrists but medication may also be helpful.
The depression may have been defending against underlying issues which means that if you address those the depression may lift.
I don't know if this was helpful. This sort of situation just makes me feel incredibly angry. I even heard there was a new device on the market (CES -?cranial electrical stimulation) where people essentially give themselves shocks. What's wrong with everyone??
I hope you're being kind to yourself. Take care and best wishes.
J
I was sectioned under the mental health act for severe depression (was discharged after one month, overdosed on discharge medication, then two weeks later had my leave revoked and was threatened with ect).
I'm sorry you had to go through that (or that anybody goes through that).
I don't think anybody is ever the same after having either experienced it or been threatened with it. For me, a comparison would be having someone hold a gun to my head, say they're going to kill me and then pull the trigger only to find there are no bullets in it. I think it's an extremely traumatic experience.
I think it's entirely plausible that you may have ptsd.
For me I had pretty horrific nightmares after my experiences in hospital. With the ect I was the opposite to you. I read everything I could find on the subject including stuff on lobotomies done with icepicks, etc. I watched One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, etc (despite my heart rate going through the roof).
I do fear the hospital though. I don't have much to say on that.
The, "It's sad" response makes me feel extremely angry. Livid, in fact.
It's true that we can't change the past and therefore should focus on now and what we can change.
It's possible that the memory loss is made worse by the anxiety/ panic. I know that is hard to trust, much easier to blame the ect. For me, after hospital everything was horrible for (my memory, my ability to think and to think clearly -everything). This actually made me believe they had given me ect. I was very paranoid and insecure.
Part of what you're going through may also be grief for your losses. Lots of losses. Where does one even start? Personality, free will, employment, caregiver role, etc.
And possibly even anger that you went through this. If it were something you chose then it would be different.
It's unfortunate about the family. They probably ignore it because it makes them feel uncomfortable. Many people don't really understand it, or understand that it is an illness. I would've had understood if I hadn't experienced it myself.
Probably my number one suggestion would be to have psychotherapy (probably pretty intensive too -initially anyway) with a well qualified and experienced therapist.
I don't know how you feel about psychiatrists but medication may also be helpful.
The depression may have been defending against underlying issues which means that if you address those the depression may lift.
I don't know if this was helpful. This sort of situation just makes me feel incredibly angry. I even heard there was a new device on the market (CES -?cranial electrical stimulation) where people essentially give themselves shocks. What's wrong with everyone??
I hope you're being kind to yourself. Take care and best wishes.
J
Thank you so much for you kind and understanding comments. You are correct in that I am very angry. Sometimes I am so frustrated, I want someone to assume responsibility for what has happened to me. I am suffering grief from losses. I lost my job, my house (because I couldn't work), my only child got married and my mother passed away five days after I returned home. I wasn't there for her during her last days because I was a mess. I lost my ability to function and I was so frightened from the ECT I paid for an aide (from my pocket) to stay with me at night so I could sleep. I lived on my savings for two years. Due to my illness, I lost amost all my savings.
I have had extensive phycsotherapy over the last several years and I also see a psychiatrist. I've taken every medication on the market. I did go to a psychiatrist for information on alternative treatment (ie: transcranial magnetic stimulation). It was at a very good teaching hospital and I had visits with two doctors. Besides "transcranial" they also suggested "VNS." I hope I got the letters correct. The VNS is where they implant a small box in your chest (like a pacemaker) with a wire that goes up to a vein in your neck and it stimulates something to help the brain produce the chemicals we need for depression. The wire does not go into the brain but it still made me nervous. Not only were the proceedures frightening (after ECT) but the doctor visits were $500.00 and $600.00 respectively and the $500.00 doctor charged $50,00 for a telephone consult. Neither procedure was FDA approved at the time and the cost was $10,000. The success rate was less than 40%. naturally insurance would not cover the doctors or the procedures.
My last visit to my psychiatrist we completed a total review of all the medications I've tried over the years. He said that I am considered medication resistant and that all we can do is "hope" that something new comes out. I want my life back. I know I will never be the same but I want some joy and some happiness. The reason I am on line right now is because I am searching for help. I realize that I have to try and heal myself. I'm trying new doctors. Some days it's not easy. Some days just getting out of bed is impossible. I get terrible panic attacks. I'm just a mess. Thank you so much for writing. It feels so good to have my feelings validated. It's nice to talk to someone who understands. I'm sorry I'm rattling on so much. Thank you!
I have had extensive phycsotherapy over the last several years and I also see a psychiatrist. I've taken every medication on the market. I did go to a psychiatrist for information on alternative treatment (ie: transcranial magnetic stimulation). It was at a very good teaching hospital and I had visits with two doctors. Besides "transcranial" they also suggested "VNS." I hope I got the letters correct. The VNS is where they implant a small box in your chest (like a pacemaker) with a wire that goes up to a vein in your neck and it stimulates something to help the brain produce the chemicals we need for depression. The wire does not go into the brain but it still made me nervous. Not only were the proceedures frightening (after ECT) but the doctor visits were $500.00 and $600.00 respectively and the $500.00 doctor charged $50,00 for a telephone consult. Neither procedure was FDA approved at the time and the cost was $10,000. The success rate was less than 40%. naturally insurance would not cover the doctors or the procedures.
My last visit to my psychiatrist we completed a total review of all the medications I've tried over the years. He said that I am considered medication resistant and that all we can do is "hope" that something new comes out. I want my life back. I know I will never be the same but I want some joy and some happiness. The reason I am on line right now is because I am searching for help. I realize that I have to try and heal myself. I'm trying new doctors. Some days it's not easy. Some days just getting out of bed is impossible. I get terrible panic attacks. I'm just a mess. Thank you so much for writing. It feels so good to have my feelings validated. It's nice to talk to someone who understands. I'm sorry I'm rattling on so much. Thank you!
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Your have probably tried everything already but perhaps you have not given intense psychotherapy a real chance, and perhaps you are at that point in your life that you could benefit from it ( using your education and executive experience) even if it didn't work for you in the past...think about that....
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