HOCD or repressed homosexuality?

[nonchalant1873]

When i was 10, me and a male friend would often masturbate one another. However, it always felt like i should be doing it with a girl, not another guy. Once i started to masturbate alone, i stopped being friends with this boy as i didn't want to keep doing what we'd been doing. Then when i was 14 i developed a semi-regular gay porn habit. I dunno whether it was the taboo nature of it or the idea of watching something i shouldn't be watching, i have no concrete answer for why i started watching it. In the 8 years since i've continued to watch gay porn on a semi-regular basis (generally around once a fortnight, although i did go 2 years without watching it at one stage) It's always the same few scenes from Queer as Folk aswell.

So we've established that i'm gay then? Wrong. Despite all this i never considered myself anything other than straight. I've had at least 11 big crushes on girls, and zero on guys. 90-95% of my fantasies have been over women. Pictures or just general thoughts of them however, as lesbian porn does nothing for me (i think it's too kissy and sensual) Never once have i masturbated over an image of a guy. The idea repulses me. Yet i'll happily masturbate over 2 of them having sex? I've had 5 relationships with women and none with guys. Not since the early experimenting have i ever been aroused around another guy, or thought of doing anything sexual with one. The idea of being in a relationship with a man is so bizarre i can barely get my head around it. It just isn't me. I click with women on so many levels and get aroused around them so easily.

I didn't give this a thought for 8 years. It wasn't important. Now it's all i ever think about. I check for reassurance online all day long and read constant 'coming out stories' and things like that to try and reassure myself i'm not gay. It doesn't work though. It's become an obsession. I'm so frightened of waking up one day and realising my whole attraction to women has been a lie.

[nonchalant1873]

That's pretty deep. Any idea of what could be bothering me or could only i know the answer to that?

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

You have made what sounds like the right diagnosis...you have an obsession, and the manifest content simply is the worry re homosexuality...that does not mean that you have a homosexual orientation....but it does mean that something else is really bothering you and it is hidden by this obsession. See a psychiatrist and get to the source, and this obsession will go away.