Help for my mother's depression or ?

[Bibi333]

My sisters and I are very worried about our 67 year old mother's mental health.  She has always been eccentric, but recently she lost her house and was forced to move in with my sister's family.  She has been understandably depressed after losing her independence, but now she is lashing out at all of our family in very unreasonable ways.  Lately, she gets very upset at the slightest imagined offense and blows up at my sister or her husband, saying very horrible things such as all her children are monsters and that we hate her and we would never treat her this way if she still had money, etc.  She is so unstable and uses such poor judgment that my sister does not trust her alone with her 7-year-old child.  

I try to visit with her a couple of times a week, and she acts completely normal around me, avoiding any direct questions about how she's feeling.  The last time she got this way was when my sister confronted her about her finances, as she was about to lose her house, and that resulted in 3 weeks of interventions and explosions. She never apologized for the things she said even though she brought us all to tears with her threats of suicide and by arguing with our efforts to assure her she was loved.  

She says the only reason she hasn't killed herself (which she insists my sisters and I want) is because she promised God that if we were born healthy, she would stay alive as long as naturally possible.  Now she's imagining more evil thoughts in our heads, insisting that we only ever wanted her around so we could "use" her, despite our continued generosity and best efforts, and exhibiting many other signs of not being in touch with reality.

My question is how we get help for her.  I'm sure that if we were able to get her into therapy, she would at least face the reality of what she's doing.  But she has no insurance or income, and my sisters and I cannot afford much, either.  Is there any free therapy for senior citizens?  If so, how can we convince her to go?  

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

Your mother definetly needs treatment and there is always free or low cost treatment in the community through local public health councils, medical schools, community mental health centers. the best way to get her into treatment is direct talk during some quiet moments in the storm..if that not work, offer to go with her to talk about the frictions between her and someone else, your sister.

[Jaquta]

I'm sorry my post wasn't very helpful.  I can see that you care and are trying and that your mother is alienating herself.  Your sister should take a stance on the dog -it's unacceptable that it bites and is putting her children and others at risk.

The doctor has experience therefore I would support his recommendations.

You could try looking in the phone book for places or call your local hospital or community mental health center.  They should be able to direct you.

J

[Bibi333]

Thanks for your response.  She DOES feel hopeless, helpless, powerless, and like a burden.  We've discussed that, and we have done everything we can to encourage her, help her find work, invite her out, assure her she is loved and valued.  My sister's family takes walks every morning in which she participates.  I bring my son for visits, whom she adores.  

And then when she gets angry, she brings those exact things back up, accusing us of doing them only to LOOK like we're trying to help her, but we don't really want to help.  In truth, we feel we are doing everything we can.  My sisters and I, and an aunt, are her only friends, even though we've encouraged her to make new friends and get involved in other activities.  We all speak with her regularly, and when she does speak about her feelings, it's to complain about another sister.  If we defend the sister's actions, she gets angry and says we're ganging up on her.  If we listen and show sympathy, she goes back to the other sister and says we agree with her, and so that sister was wrong.  I try to stay out of it-- maybe she interprets that as unwillingness to listen to her feelings?

I know she is angry and upset, and we've forgiven those angry words just for that reason.  But when she doesn't apologize when the anger subsides, and then brings up the same accusations again the next time, it seems to us she truly believes those things.  If that is the case, her views are entirely out of touch with reality.

An alternate living arrangement would be best, but the current arrangement is all we have.  No one else can accommodate her with her 5 cats and dog.  My sister has turned her family home upside down to take her in, despite the fact that the dog bites children, and our mother is unwilling to limit situations in which that might happen.  

Either way, it seems there would be therapists out there who specialize in this kind of family counseling, or a medicare program, but my searches have turned up nothing.  She won't let us in on her family doctor visits, and she refuses to tell doctors all of her physical symptoms, let alone the emotional ones.

Thanks anyway.

[Jaquta]

Why should your mother apologize?  She must feel hopeless, helpless, overwhelmed, powerless and unloved (unwanted, devalued), etc.
I don't know that she should be apologizing for venting her feelings because they hurt you or your family when you can't see she is lashing out because she is in pain.

I am sorry she has made comments that have affected you but I think you should try and understand what is driving her to feel that way.  She doesn't feel like that for no reason.  Her comments say more about how she feels about her situation than they are an attack on you (even though it may not feel like it to you).

Your mother needs to feel listened too and to be heard.  What is she really saying?

Your mother could be stressed or anxious given her change in circumstances.
Maybe she feels unwelcome and unwanted because of the children.  Maybe the children are causing her some distress??  Maybe not intentionally.
I'm not sure what finances have to do with it but they are important.  Maybe she feels like a burden??  Maybe without a house (and money) she feels she has no control (or power over you and others)?

Maybe you mother needs to get out more?  Get some interests/ hobbies -something to give her a sense of purpose and direction -some meaning.  A feeling of belonging.

Why won't she discuss her feelings?  They're really important.  Probably because she is unhappy and doesn't want to upset you??  Because she is afraid of how you will or won't react??  Because she doesn't feel heard anyway??

Maybe she is frustrated with herself for not listening to your sister's advice, re: finances??

Your mother is angry and upset.  People say things they don't mean when they feel hurt.  She may be saying these things to get your attention because you don't hear what it is she wants or needs.

People can come up with multiple reasons to justify not killing themselves.  I don't believe your mother wishes too I think her purpose is more to get your attention.  It's not a game though so don't engage in it -you never do know what the person is thinking or feeling or what they will or won't do.

Some sort of support sounds good.  Someone she can talk too.  You could always try getting her to see her family doctor.

I'm sorry I couldn't be more helpful.  I suspect your mother needs to address issues she has.  (And maybe come up with alternate living arrangements??)  Something isn't quite working right.  It may be minor ... I don't know.

Best wishes
J