How do I help my daughter?

[girls3]

I have an 11 year old daughter who is experiencing homosexual anxiety.  She has a fear of homosexual behavior and is having constant, intrusive, unwanted, mental images of homosexual behavior.  She has also expressed a fear that she will become a homosexual.  We are trying to talk about it and distract her as much a possible but nothing seems to help and it seems like she is feeling depressed as a result.  Should I seek professional help or will she out grow this.  She has just learned recently about homosexuality, and I'm wondering if this will pass.  She can think of nothing else it seems and we are very concerned.

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

Your question certainly has elicited a very robust discussion.  I don't see your daughter's concerns as having anything to do with homosexuality or gender choice.  I believe what you are seeing is the beginning of an obsessive concern and the content of that concern could be almost anything.  I think it would be a very good idea to seek professional help before the obsession consolidates and becomes more difficult to treat.  Usually obsessions cover up some deeper anxiety which can be resolved once it is acknowledged.

[Jaquta]

I would be happy to settle for less.  I don't have too many good role models though and I've seen too much destruction to want to have to lower my standards and expectations too much.  Perhaps that's part of the bpd 'idealized' world I live in.  At least the fantasy off-sets all the bad just a little.  Dreams are free.  Maybe I should consider becoming a nun?

I disagree.  I believe the person is more concerned by the content although the intrusion/ obsessiveness is also an issue.  I think addressing the issue (the homosexuality) may reduce or eliminate the thoughts and underlying depression.

I could be wrong but woman's intuition says the content is the most important part.

J

[Paxiled]

Hey, J, as a man, I'd say you'll have to lower your standards -- we don't really come like that!  But I think the poster is more concerned about her daughter's obsessiveness, not the content of it.  It's obviously causing her daughter discomfort, and it sounds to me like that's what concerns the mother, and rightly so.

[AExodus]

after thinking more about this situation, i have come to the conclusion that my response was overly cavalier; i immediately jumped on what i perceived as ignorance regarding homosexuality, and the your knowledge of what is happening in your daughter's head. my apologies for my illogical suddenness - i believe i saw you and your daughter's situation as an embodiment of the copious amounts of ignorance surrounding the subject, which is encountered all too often amongst the myriad well-meaning but incognizant people we meet.

sorry for jumping on your words.

for the record, though, i am not homosexual, but merely a man who believes in equality and fairness.

[Jaquta]

This is still bugging me.  I still believe the content of the obsessive thoughts provides clues to understanding the issue.

J

[zack32]

How did your daughter discover homosexuality? Was it through entertainment, reading books, or classmates? Perhaps if this is consuming her every thought, she needs to cut out the influence. I'm not being critical of any person's right to their own opinion. I would say the same if she where consumed by thoughts of violence or drug and alcohol abuse. If something is causing us distress we need to cut it out of our lives.
Let me illustrate: Recall the man climbing in the Grand Canyon a couple years back. He fell in a crack and was pinned by a large boulder falling on his arm. He hung in that situation for days. He finally figured the only way he was going to get out alive was to cut his own arm off. Do think that was easy? Absolutely not. He fought with decision for almost a day. He knew that his very life depended on him getting out of that situation and the only way to do that was to take out his pocket knife and cut off his arm.
Now I'm not saying that your daughter's situation is that dire, but sometimes the things we see and hear can be all consuming on our day to day life. So sometimes we just need to cut things, like certain forms of entertainment, out of our lives. In other words dwell on other things.
Can she get involved in some volunteer work, like at the library or at a summer camp perhaps. This things will help her focus on other things and other people and not always be stuck in her own thoughts.
I hope that no one is offended by what I had to say, because this is such a touchy subject. My only intention is to try to help this woman help her daughter to not be consumed with thoughts, no matter what they may be.

[Paxiled]

Now I'm confused.  Maybe I was wrong.  What is it that homosexuals do that's frightening?  And comparing it to thinking about aliens or monsters?  My, what a tangled web is woven here.  I'm out of this one.

[Jaquta]

I wasn't quite ready to concede I read it so wrong but I think you're both right.  I still believe the content makes it more or less acceptable though.  If the thoughts were say about a pet (or something positive) then that could potentially be less distressing.

Now that I can see the tree for the forest I think talking to your doctor would be a good idea.

There is also a compulsive behaviors expert forum that may also be able to offer valuable advice.

Obsessions will be defending against some anxiety or fear so it wouldn't be a bad thing to work through that while she is still young.

J

[girls3]

Thanks to all of you for your comments, but Paxiled really hit the nail on the head.  I am concerned with the obsessiveness of her thoughts. While it is very frightening for an 11 year old to think about what homosexuals do (having recently learned of this)  It is the constant repetative thoughts that are so upsetting.  I would be just as concerned if she was thinking about aliens or monsters.  We all think about things that frighten us, but as adults we can put them aside, knowing they probably wont affect us.  She can't let go of these images.  My hope is that this is puberty and that her brain will relax and release her from this exausting stage.

[Jaquta]

I think discussing sensitive subjects can evoke biases.  I have many biases and can be as judgmental as the next person too.  I think it is human nature to judge and pre-judge.
(Homosexual, bisexual, heterosexual, whatever.  We are all human and have the ability to be hurt by others).

I'm not 100% sure but it could be that your daughter is going through a life transition (puberty) which is causing her confusion and causing her to question ?sexuality and gender.

I can relate.  I have a personality disorder and are a bit backward.  There was a period several years ago when several homosexual (bisexual to be more specific) individuals came into my life.  (One via a government health initiative and the other through a support group on the net).  It made me question a lot of things and created a huge amount of fear and anxiety for me.  I was confused.  I wondered that if I related well with them if that then made me gay.  There was a whole lot of different emotions.  I also began to wonder if they were preying on me because I was a vulnerable individual.  I also didn't understand how one woman could be trying for a child and at the same time be having a sexual relationship with another woman (not me).  ??
Just for the record, I haven't knowingly engaged in any sexual interaction.  My trauma history makes it extremely difficult for me to engage and relate to people.  My dream would be to marry a fabulous man with a trillion good qualities and live happily ever after.  I'm female -just to clarify.

I'm not sure how you would go about addressing this.  I think encouraging her and praising her for things she is currently achieving could be helpful.  It will reinforce or strengthen her own sense of self and lift her self-confidence.
If this continues to affect her and/ or she becomes more depressed I would definitely seek professional help.
The doctor will be better able to advise.

J

[girls3]

You're obviously homosexual, and are taking this as a personal attack.  I love my daughter very much and will support her in any of her life choices.  You're not a doctor and have missed the point completely.  

[AExodus]

why do you fear your daughter's sexuality? will something so ultimately trivial as sexual preference impact how much unconditional love you hold for your daughter? will it lower your opinion of her?

if not, then good, you're an open-minded person and clearly you'd love your daughter no matter what, through thick and thin, even if her life choices don't coincide with your own.

if so... then are you really sure you care about your daughter enough to let her have her own person, her own character? do you expect her to be a mirror image of you? she is her own, independent person - and try as you may, you cannot influence the true nature of her sexuality, be it heterosexual or homosexual.

i understand your concern for her because the matter seems foreign to you and it may seem like you are losing control of her life choices and decisions, a realization that would cause anxiety for any mother that cares about her daughter. however, this is a choice that she, in the end, must make alone, and trust me when i say that she will think it through heavily, if it plagues her as much you say, and make her own personal, educated decisions in the process.

accept and love your daughter no matter who she becomes, even if her selection is different from yours.