How to deal with this anxiety

[BATU]

I grew up in an abusive alchoholic family, in which I was the youngest daughter. My father was an alchoholic and physically violent. I am 35 now. I find that as a person I stress out very easily, and find it often difficult to relate to people who might have power over me (bosses etc). I also find it difficult to be assertive about myself--and when I am, I am usually stressed about getting the person --if they are in a power position over me, angry--and feel bullied and taken for granted. Yet people who know me see me as abrasive, defensive, and aggressive.In addition, I am very afraid of angry people and get very sensitive and fearful and feel abused when someone expresses anger towards me. Finally, I am so approval seeking--especially from people who have some power over me, or can hurt or harm me in any way--that sometimes I think people think I do not have much of a personality. I feel I am very afraid of people and of being harmed or hurt. The thing is, this is not my imagination--I do feel that people, especially when they dont know me, tend not to like me too much. Several tell me that I come across as being threatening and snobby. I dont know what I do that makes people often dislike me, and then they try to find ways to go after me.  This happens in job situations, especially in new jobs when i am still new. There is a big part of me that because of these experiences feels that I am not a likeable person, and consequently, my I feel more insecure, since I do not have anyone to go to for support (my family does not live here). I do not have many friends, and have not been in a serious relationship for over 12 years. The world seems unsafe to me, and because people tend not to like me, I find it difficult to trust people or be close. is this quite normal? How to deal with this? (if you say therapy, then I dont quite know how to find a therapist in arizona, unless there is a good site for that information). What level of therapist would this need?

I feel my world would feel much safer if I knew how to deal with this--this plagues me and I suffer a lot. I so want to be loved and not run over all the time

[StarVega]

I crumble around hostility as well.  I've lost jobs and relationships because of my social weaknesses.  I'm a 22y/o male and would like to say that I'm releived to have found this site. We're not alone.

[BATU]

thanks forall those who wrote in supportive and understanding messages.

my best, batu

[whyme]

I second that, it could have been me saying exactly what u said.  i am on Xanax and faverin.  My age is 36.  And by the way i love u for a simple reason, because we have something in commen.  Think + and do Abdominal breathing and walking exercises, they seem to help me a lot.

wish u all the best

[lilangel]

dear batu,, i feel the exact same way that you wrote i could have written that!! i am in therapy but it really hasent helped me that much, mean while im always very stressed i dont handle situations very good and im always mad it seems,,i do take xanax for aniexty but i know im just masking my problem,, good luck to you, im in the same boat,, lilangel by the way im 37

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

Yes, I am going to say therapy because that is the best choice for you...it is actually essential.   You already have the insight you need...you can see how your sensitivities and defensiveness are responses to your history...that is quite normal.  The problem you are having is you are not able to make the fine distinctions between current reality situations and your emotional memory of the past experiences.  They blend into one, and you over react to the current( too defensive, aggressive, or expecting the worse) and this has a negative effect on those around you, and you suffer a second time.  this becomes a reenforcing cycle.  The only way to stop this is by examining current incidents, step by step, with an objective observer like a therapist. You have to do that until you have a finely tuned reality assessment system that allows you to relax and enjoy and trust, when that is appropriate, safe and realistic.

In a few weeks, psychology today.com will be on line with a complete list of therapists around the country and some search capacity.  if you want something sooner, go to 4therapy.com, they also have a search capacity.

You should be looking for talk therapy, not medication.

[boottee]

I would recommend attending meetings for Adult Children of Alcoholics. I did a quick search and found the following website. I hope it helps. My father was an alcoholic and I spent a lot of time going to ACOA meetings to learn how to heal.

GOOD LUCK. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

http://www.findingstone.com/allkindsofstuff/acoa/
findingstone counseling
4450 North 12th Street
Suite 210
Phoenix, Arizona 85014
602-234-0541