I just want peace

[Della]

Can you help meI'm 5o years old and since I was 12 years old I have had a chain of problems follow me.  First I was raped at 12 and I was blamed when I tried to hide under a bed to avoid it happening. (blamed by mother, Her Husband did it). at 22 I tried to commit sucide.
Had major car wreck that resulted in having 5 hip replacements beginning at 24.  almost died at 29 of malnutrition  potassium went to 1.5. kept going this way at 45 It was descoved that I had lost a kidney without any signs of pain or anything wrong.
Have had 6 surgery to keep the left one going.  Over a year ago I was told Some of the medical problem I have could be helped if I had a hysteromony so I had one.  But by this point I was already to give up.  I praid all the way to the hospital to just die durning the surgery.  Of course I didn't however things that should be easy wern't.  The doc. cut the bladder in the surgery.  My body did try to shut down.  I've shared only the feelings on the way to the hospital with both of my doctors so
maybe they would understand why I refuse any medicine.  I'm suppose to be on several including one for mental state but I cannot bring myself to take anything other than a asprin pill when necessary.  I really don't know why I refuse medicines and I know both doctors (nephrologist and family)want to help me and gave me a lecture but I just want to crawl into a big hole. I have been able to tell mself that I can handle anything when all the other things happen but I have finally meant the way out.  Can you tell me anything that would give me peace on this.  I'm to the point to canceling my doctors appointment to avoid seeing them.  I want no more intercession.

[goodgal31]

Hi Della,

I bet your just scared to try anything anymore after all you have endured.  You have been through alot, and thats no doubt.  I would probably feel the same way you do after all that.  Dont be afraid to try something to help you... it will not only improve the quality of life you have now, but may open doors for you that are closed now, take you places you might not have been able to go before.

Life is so short, I am having some problems, medicalm mental, who the hell knows.. i've been through all tests.. but still cant figure why my body is acting strangely.  I will tell you something and I do agree with Carol above although at times I dont have the courage to voice my oppinions about God, but I do believe that he is watching over us all the time and there is a Saint im sure you have read or heard about at some point, its St. Jude, he is the Saint of hopeless cases.  I have a card that I have prayed to prior to every medical test I have had done, he has been there and all my testing has come back normal.  I am thankfull adn I know he played a part.  If you ever feel hopeless pray to St. Jude.  He will guide and help you.  And try the medication, it wont hurt your remaining Kidney, you will feel better, you are a good person, we dont know if we are going to die tomorrow.  But while we are here, try to enjoy it.. easier said then done I know... but you'll make it!  Take care

[Carol J. Dennis]

Della,

I can emphathize with you, and I also agree with Jeff: drugs can only do so much. It makes ME more depressed when I read what the doctors say, also, like if you have enough money and insurance, everything's fixed.

I'll tell you what has helped me. It was when I came into deep relationship with Christ. He won't reject you like everyone else seems to do. He is always there when you call out to Him, even in the middle of the night, etc, and He will help with the turmoil stuff you are going through if you ask Him to.

I have dealt with major depression all of my life, also, but Jesus has delivered me from most of it. In my case, I think the rest of it has to do with better self-talk and changes in how I relate to people.

Take Care,
Carol.

[Jeff Plummer]

I used to be the same way about medications.  I always assumed I could pull myself out of it. It's my mind, I can control it.  But then later a thought hit me.  

My brain isn't right, and it's not my fault.

I was recently diagnosed as Major depressive (I never knew because I just assumed it was normal to feel this way).  After I attempted suicide I decided maybe there was something wrong with my brain.  

I've been on Celexa for almost two weeks now, and I'm starting to feel a difference.  It's not drastic, these things take a while, but every so often I feel "normal".  The depressions are that much harder because I know I can feel normal now.  But I'm starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel.  

For the last month I had cut out communication with everyone and locked myself in my room.  I've started talking to them again.  I really do have a few friends that care a great deal about me.

I whole heartedly recommend TRYING the medications.  I am still just as deep and as creative as I used to be, but I actually occasionally feel better.  The side effects can be tough at first, but mine have nearly gone away completely.  

You've proven that you can't fix the problem on your own.  Take a chance and see if someone else (or something else "drugs") can help.  I also recommend therapy, I really like the lady psyciatrist I'm seeing now.  It's kind of cool to have someone listen intently to every word you have to say for an hour every week.  I always feel better after seeing her.

I know a lot of doctors seem impersonal when talking about drugs. "Take a pill it will fix you".  The doctor replies on this web site kind of **** me off because they are so impersonal and say drugs fix everything.  Leaving them aside, I still recommend giving them a try.  They won't hurt you, and you have a lot to gain.

I hope this letter has helped you in some way.

[HFHS MD - RG]

I empathized the predicaments tht yo have undergone all your life. However, you may be suffering from Major Depression that is also compounding the problems that you already have. Major Depression is treatable with medications and/or therapy.

I strongly recommend to consult a psychiatrist and determine which treatment suits the best for you.