I hate my life because I can't cope and I don't know what i can do

[UrbanSamurai]

I find that I hate my life. I am a university student and I have everything I need from a survival perspective. I have a room in a house, and food and everything one technically needs to survive. But I cannot seem to cope. School is stressing me out to the point where I can't function on a regular basis because I am anxious and afraid of failure. It is getting to the point that I can't stand it and just want a way out and have unfortunately contemplated suicide. And it is sad because I think I have the potential so if my brain wasn't always trying to drive me crazy I should be able to handle the challenges of school. I can't just drop out because then I would really feel like a failure and I just don't know what to do. I am on emotional tilt and can't seem to handle it. The stress is literally killing me. Any positive suggestions would be highly appreciated. Thanks.

[doggies3forme]

Hi.  I am the mother of a young doctor.  She is a resident right now and is loving it.  I can't begin to tell you the anxiety, test anxiety, melt downs and such that she experienced during school.  She called me on numerous occassions absolutely hysterical, crying thinking she might fail, how it would appear to others if she failed, how she would feel, her pride, how much money had been invested.  During one particular semester just before her finals she called me and was having a major meltdown.  She was crying hysterically.  She was going to drop her class and take the whole semester over again just because she was afraid she might fail the test and all that it would mean.  The dean encouraged her to go ahead and take the test so she did.  She passed it just fine.  My daughter is usually confident, bubbly, enjoys life but during that time it was very hard on her and she seemed to have lost her confidence.  She was terrified of failure.  She actually did start taking an antidepressant and was told the statistics of how many of the students had to start meds.  There is no shame or failure in taking medication if you are the type who needs it.  There are many circumstances that causes some people more that others to experience anxiety or depression.  My daughter even mentioned the "S" word.

There is nothing worth taking your life for even if you don't pass which I doubt is the case.  Actually, some people have so much anxiety in general that it affects their ability to learn.  

I had so many childhood issues that as an adult I was crippled with anxiety, depression, fear...I was such a mess and in such bad shape that I couldn't even benefit from therapy until I was stablized with medication.  It was not until I was calmer, not filled with fear and depression that I could even start to work on issues that would help me.  At first I was like you, I felt like it was wrong to take a pill, I thought God would not approve, that it was weak, etc etc.  Not so.  I am so happy today, free of anxiety and fear and depression.  You are so young, don't waste your young life feeling that way if you don't need to.  Do what you need to do to be successful.  School is hard even for those who don't suffer in that way.

I wish you the best.  Please be kind to yourself and take care of yourself.  I hope to hear some day of your degree and your testimony of how pleased you are with yourself!

One last thought, there was an issue I was worried about recently.  The stakes were high and it became so huge to me it was like the end of the world if this thing happened.  I prayed, I worried, I cried, it was enormous to me.  The other day I stepped back from my problem and realized how I had let it consume me.  I decided not to worry about it any more.  It won't be the end of the world if it happens.  I had let it build up so much in my mind!  Now I am hoping that this thing does not happen, but if it does I will deal with it.  There are many many options in life and NOTHING is worth taking your life over.

Take care.

[Bear13]

You may need to speak to your healthcare provider about these issues... it could just be that you need to recognize your stressors and combat them through postive release (exercise, etc), speaking with a therpist is always an option.  Get some outside help and don't lose hope...

[UrbanSamurai]

I thank-you kindly for your response but I feel I should clarify my situation a little bit more. I already do see a campus therapist but I just find that the cognitive therapy isn't working for me. I can do it and it helps to some extent but most of the time I don't believe it. So I have two questions for you:
1) besides medication because I don't feel you solve problems with a pill is there anything else i could try?
2) I have never admitted to my therapist that I have suicidal thoughts, is it safe to admit this? I am kind of worried they will lock me up somewhere.

Thank-you for your time.

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

The best place to get help is at your university counseling service. They have helped  many  students get through this kind of crisis of stress and self confidence. This is a  trickly  transition in life and a little help will go along way.  
tell them about your suicidal thoughts, in fact,call for an appointment today and tell them this is an emergency..it is..