dissociation? getting scared

[lilahfairy]

i am a 26 year old female. my mother was depressive and had a nervous breakdown. my grandmother was bipolar. i was sexually abused as a child and raped at 21.i have had problems since i was 14. after coming to university i was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, bipolar and recurrent psychotic episodes (when neither manic nor depressed) and a dissociative disorder. in fact it got so bad my psychiatrist at the time sent me for a ct scan. then the dissociation eased up a bit. occasionally id find id done strange things like put all my underwear in my stationary drawer or rearrange my bookcases, and have no recollection of having done it. and sometimes id be in the supermarket and suddenly i wouldnt recognise my bf. id stand there in the aisle feeling totally lost. then it eased up and the bipolar took over for a few years
but in the last two months its come back with a vengeance. every day i get up and my family and bf and friends tell me about conversations we had that i dont remember. i find i sent emails and texts that i dont recognise as mine. the grammar and spelling are terrible and sentences short (and i was always one for convoluted grammar) my friends remark about how i didnt seem like me at all and are worried. my bf has left me over it. because one minute im sweet and loving and then suddenly im totally different and telling him to go away. its scaring me.
i still havent got a psych referral through after moving. i tried to explain to my gp, but he wasnt interested. its freaking me out. and ruining my relationships. i feel like i am going crazy again.
part of the problem is whenever i see my doctors i sort of glaze over. i dont mean to, but i do. i am intimidated. and my psych saw me so infrequently anyway. my doctors never saw me manic, or psychotic, or dissociated. so they tend to think i am making it all up or exaggerating.
i just dont know what to do.
or what is happening to me.
i am on 225mg venlafaxine a day and have been since november. for the last year and a hlaf i was on risperidone but this was stopped 3 or 4 months ago.
lilah

[ortley]

I first will say that what comes next is in no way meant as unkind.  I myself had serious lapses.  I am bi-polar.  I found myself once driving on a seasonal road 4 hours from where I remembered last being, the worst was I was very lost.  This occurance has now happened 2 other times.  I write skillfully.  I have like you read pennings that are sensless, and I find myself baffled too.  I am far older then yourself.  I abused drugs, a commen symptom when self medicating makes sense to me.  I thought I was truley nuts when I blanked those 4 hours I obviously was awake during, driving safely I de say was what amazed me.  My amazement ended addictions.  I have value, as do you.  Self medicating is very dangerious.  Mimiking illness that isnt anything other then with cure in recovery.  If you arent using , congratulations, if you are, see it is to ourselves we must be honest.  Good luck sweetie.

[mmmooo]

Hi. You are right to be taking your symptoms very seriously.
You are not going crazy - your BODY is sick and your brain
is connected ! I am worried about your lapses in memory.
I don't want you to get to a place where you hurt yourself,
to stop the sickness. You may think this is severe, but I think
it might be good for you to go into a mental hospital for 72
hour observation. Then the things that you can't explain to your doctor, will be recorded by the staff. If you do it voluntarily
it will be seen as a healthy decision. You need more than 1
kind of doctor. I think that 2 problems are causing the range
of symptoms that you are experiencing. Keep searching for answers.

[ckg]

Dear Lilah,

I'm so sorry that you've had to go through so much in your life ... it's so hard to cope with all of these things - and I can imagine that you are probably feeling a little helpless.

I'd suggest that you need to see a psychiatrist immediately.  Effexor XR will simply not work on those patients suffering from bipolar disorder.  Risperdal is a decent drug that I've used a bit in practice -- however does have a varying degree of side effect severity with many patients.  You might ask your PCP for Seroquel or Abilify (both of which have very favorable side-effect profiles and little weight gain).

Hope that you feel better --
-ckg

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

the answer here is clear..you must be under a psychiatrist care, and that should include medications( new ones) and frequent psychotherapy.  That is the treatment of choice for you.

[MLWTR]

Besides attacking this from the psychological/psychiatric end, I wonder if it might also be worth obtaining a workup from a neurologist at a large academic medical center. Have your doctors ruled out epilepsy, for instance? (I think you would need an electroencephalogram [EEG] for that, not a CT scan).

You might consider making a one-page list of your symptoms/history to take with you when you go to the doctor. You could explain that you become intimidated and don't describe your symptoms very well, so you'd like the doctor to look over your summary first. Maybe that would help to make sure that the most important issues get addressed.

Good luck, and I hope you find a successful treatment plan.