What's wrong with me? Tired, Stressed, Apathetic.

[Kittykhattkait]

I'm 18 years old, I've lost interest in life since the age of 13. A part of me just seemed to have died. I don't recall anything that began this cycle. I've had my ups and downs, sometimes I'm happy, but I never really want to do anything. I have no interest in starting my own life. My sleep schedule is always different. I can never go to bed at a normal time, as I simply will not fall asleep. It always takes me a minimum of 30 minutes ( If I am very tired ) to fall asleep. It seems I am always plagued with fatigue, yet am not able to get rid of it. Going to sleep is a time that I dread, as while I'm lying there, I'll have to face all the small things in life that hit me like a thousand pounds when I'm left with nothing but my mind. I often push myself to exhaustion, staying up as late as I can, just so tomorrow won’t come sooner. I always dread tomorrow.

I have no reason to be unhappy, and feel ashamed and embarrassed for not being happy. I worry over everything and I am always nervous. I'm often too afraid to ask questions, to approach someone, to use the phone, or even have someone look at me. Sometimes I believe I am not good enough to deserve certain things, such as being treated fairly, or talking to someone. I grow increasingly worried when I am about to enter a building, or approach people. My siblings notice how unnerved I get, and don't understand why I do so. I cannot read, listen to music, watch a movie, etc, without getting overly emotional and setting my whole day off course.

I do not value relationships with anyone besides a few family members. I am always in a state of a negative outlook. I view it as realistic. I've been gifted with talents that I have no inspiration to use. I've been blessed with a life that I don't want to live.

I'm supposed to be moving out now, it's what adults do. I've gotten increasingly worse over the past year, and am very concerned about my future. I'm not sure what to do.

[boogieman]

Hello. Sounds like you've had a rather troubled relationship with your folks since childhood. Your dads anger creating fear, fighting with your mom and what sounds like a general lack of support, when combined with being abducted at a young age, has likely developed into feelings of low self esteem, and the idea that there seems to be no place safe, no comfort zone with which you could let your guard down. You also indicated that you were told you wouldn't make it to being an adult, which in itself is disturbing, but the reaction of being comforted by that idea is another piece of the puzzle. Being relatively happy because of a potential romantic or other interest is also understandable, as such things give us a better opinion of ourselves, simply because it allows us to see, however temporary, that someone else cares about us, even though we may not care for ourselves. As far as others not experiencing these feelings, I imagine everyone does to some extent, some are just better at fooling everyone and pretending all as well. I mastered that in early high school. You seem to be intelligent and capable of having a rewarding life, you just need to get rid of the anger, hurt and feelings of inferiority that are holding you back. Hold onto the things that are providing you some comfort, talking to someone, writing, or even posting here. And as far as a therapist, don't think that going to one makes you less than, or is anything to be ashamed of. After what you've been through, its not surprising that you may benefit from therapy or meds. Reaching out for help us not a weakness, but rather a sign of strength. Take care, GM

[Kittykhattkait]

Thanks for both of your insight. We've been talking about me maybe going to see someone, but I feel that my mom doesn't take it very seriously, and is even a little mocking about it when we get in fights. It discourages me to see someone, I guess because I don't want my family to look down on me, and I'm nervous about letting my inner feelings be known. I've been dealing with this for roughly four years, though it feels like forever. I can't really remember a time when I was excited about tomorrow, life, or the future.

I do go to school part time, and I'm rarely called in for my job. Part time homeschooling, our family business that I work for here, and no interest in gaining more friends has left me pretty much at the house. I switched to online schooling about two years ago, because I couldn't stand being there anymore. I do have a couple people there that are 'school friends' at the school, but none that I want to stick with. I find no purpose for friends at all, I actually tend to see them as bothersome, and never work hard to keep my relationship with them. I have two very close friends, who I hang out with about once a week.
I used to be the most social, likeable person. I was always very popular and was always busy doing things socially. I used to be a straight A student and involved in extra activities. About a year and a half ago, I actually was pretty active and getting my life back in order. I think I was happy, and I'm ashamed to admit it was because I liked a boy. I guess I hold such low regard for my life, that I wont do anything with it unless I have a good reason to. My mom stuck it in my head that I probably wont live to be an adult, and I've been holding onto that for comfort. I'm too darned scared of messing up if I try to kill myself, and I'm not sure what will be waiting for me on the other side if I do succeed.

Like I said, 8th grade, It felt like I just lost something inside. I became almost zombie-like. I pulled away from everyone, and became a stranger in my own house and school. I understand kids go through maturity and are prone to depression and such. I just don't understand why no one else around me was effected like I was. I was constantly in a state of odd, numbing sadness. I remember often sitting in deserted hallways and rooms with the lights turned off just to be alone. I also seemed to get panic attacks very easily.

I was a very happy child, up until the day I woke up different. I really can't recall anything that would've changed me. We were going through some tough times, with my dad having anger issues, and being very afraid of him. I had grown up with it since I was little though. My mom was now my enemy. We didn't talk, we fought. I guess I just felt so alone, and had no comfort in my own house. I was abducted around the age of four, and I remember everything clearly. Besides the happenings being embarrassing, I've never felt remorse or terribly upset over what took place.

Anyway, sorry for writing a novel, but you're right when you said to just talk about it. I feel tons better just getting it all out for today. You're also definitely right when you talk about Exercise, eating, and rest helping.. I have noticed that I always do better when I'm on a good schedule, and getting things accomplished. Though, at night, I usually recede, figuring that it doesn't really matter in the end, and I'm still unhappy. The happiness is temporary, usually gone by the end of the night. It's horribly depressing thinking about what a malcontent I seem like. I hate being depressed, and acting like this. I've taken to writing down my feelings sometimes when I'm upset, and it's usually just degrading, foul words to describe myself. I'm filled with so much hate for myself, I think maybe that's why I hate life, also.

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

This transition in your life, away from your family, is the hardest and biggest hurdle. It means you have some deep fears.  You should be seeing a therapist. Just a little help and some information and perspective will go a long way to help you.  I wrote a book on this issue which you may be able to find in the library, Transformations; Growth and Change in ADult  Life......if not, you can join my site with a three day membership and read it online as part of the program at myvirtualshrink.com

[boogieman]

Hello. First off, you're not alone. These emotions seem to be fairly common, though their sources may vary. Do you go to school or work? Idle time with little or no interaction with others can contribute to what you describe. Is this something that has always existed, and become worse over time? Is there a time that you remember being happy? Attention to basics like eating well, proper rest and exercise can go a long way. A helpful tool you can use is keeping a daily journal of events, feelings and reactions, which may assist you in identifying things that are having an impact on your life. Talking to someone that you trust could also help. Any way of expressing your feelings so they are not repressed. Things like volunteering to help others can also be beneficial. In addition, you could speak to a professional and be evaluated for physical or psych conditions. Keep posting and feel free to ask any questions, there are folks here who want to help. Take care, GM