Is there something wrong with me?

[K_hall1784]

I am a 22 year old mom of 2. And I have been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for 3 and a half years. We have our good and bad times of course. Every since we have gotten together he has had a way with his mouth that I think is ridiculous. He calls me all types of names, including lazy, stupid, and if I do something that he doesn't agree with I am then a complete idiot. He sometimes says "what woudl you do without me, if we were to break up I feel bad for my kids" What does that mean. I have asked him if he wants out, I have even left him. I left him when I was 5 months pregnant with our youngest. I went several states away and was gone about 3 weeks. I wasn't going to come back. But he begged me to come home. If he wanted out he should have done it then, right? He says that he loves me and that he wouldn't be where he is now without me but then he turns right around and says those mean and hurtful things. I guess my question would be, how do I get him to stop and how do I get the respect that I deserve out of him.

[Maggie2007]

Hi,
I am a clinical social worker. I understand that your situation must be hard for you. I imagine he can be great sometimes though, right? I he mean and then there is a "honeymoon phase"?
It is really unfortunate that you are being treated the way that you are. Someone that loves you should be treating you with respect, not disrespect. Children are also very perceptive and pick up on this. This is unhealthy for them also.
Have you thought about talking to someone in a domestic violence program? You didn't mention any physical or sexual abuse by him, but what you mentioned are clear examples of verbal and emotional abuse.
I guess you need to ask yourself is...do you want to be treated like this? You can't change him, only he can change himself...and even if he is intense therapy that isn't gauranteed. Im not saying that you have to leave him...that is your choice. Just think about what is best for you and your children.
I wish you luck!

[crehanp2001]

I am wondering if you actally believe the negative things he tells you. Often , people who have low self esteem has false beliefs, such as feeling that if he or she leaves, then no one else will want them. Or, worse, you may feel that you somehow deserve the abuse somehow.
  Mental abuse can follow the pattern of the person abusing, then becoming very ingrating.He may buy flowers, apolize, say he will never do it again. If that pattern happens, refuse to continue the relationship until he seeks help.
In any case, you need to let him know that you are a person who deserves respect. It is possible to say things like " it makes me feel this way when you say that"  It is also possible that when you refuse to be treated that way, he may very well stop.  In any case, I wish you luck, and get counseling.  

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

You get the respect you deserve by just the way you are doing it now, but insisting on it.  You must maintain this position and demand respect for your person and your boundaries.  If you are not successful, try counseling with someone from your church who counsels young people...a third party might help him sit up and listen.

[HateTheDrugs]

Sweetie, I'm no expert, but I will tell you that you can't change him. And you can't make him respect you. It's unfortunate because you deserve respect. And you're the mother of his children! There is no excuse for him to call you names and say those things to you. What he's doing is called mental abuse. There is nothing wrong with you, it's him that has the problem.

Now, I can't tell you to leave him and expect you to do it just by my say-so, but I think that would be the best thing for you to do; for you and for your children. They don't need to see or hear their father putting their mother down and you don't deserve that either.  Abusers always apologize afterwards, but the pattern never ends.

I wish you luck.