Miss

[camille20]

I am 28, and I think I have always had reasonably healthy self-esteem.  I am in a 3+ year relationship and over that period my boyfriend has commented on and off about my appearance and weight.  I am 5 foot 5 and a healthy 120-5 pounds.  He makes general "jokes" about how he doesn't want me to getting fat when I get older, tells everyone "jokingly" that I am younger than I am relatively frequently (maybe once every other week, give or take).  Occasionally he has made very pointed comments about my weight/cellutile, etc.--maybe 5 times in the span of our relationship--which were extremely hurtful.  After he says them he claims that they just came out and he couldn't control them and that he doesn't mean it.  When I say it is verbally abusive he says it isn't, except for this last time when I got extremely upset.  I love him and we get along very well otherwise.  Saying that sounds stupid now that it is is written out.  I know that it is wrong, but I also make excuses for him (his family has problems with anxiety and depression, and he has been diagnosed with low-grade depression).  I know that I am not overweight, though I do feel somewhat uncomfortable about my appearance.  I am ashamed that I have put up with this, and have told him this is threatening our relationship.  Is there any way this can he be helped through therapy to stop, and me to repair the damage caused on so many levels?  One last detail I have noticed is that the women in my family seem to have suffered from verbal abuse in varying forms.  Also, my last long-term boyfriend also made comments about my weight (though I was the same weight, and he became severly overweight over the span of our relationship).  I have tried to think how I could be illiciting this behavior.  I did ask my present boyfriend if this has happened with other girlfriends, and he said that more than one has told him he was verbally abusive, but he didn't think that he was.  
Thank you for your help.

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

this is a perfect situation for couples therapy.  Sitting in a room together with a therapist is the best way to get your point across, and for him to hear it...try that and it will probably save the relationship.

[Hope001]

People only treat you as you allow them to treat you.  It sounds as if you have tried to communicate to your boyfriend that he is hurting you with his comments.  He is NOT listening to you.  It also sounds as if he is not admitting to a problem that he has.  If he cannot recognize he has a problem, nothing will help.  He has to want to "fix" the problem.  You seem to realize that depression in his family could be hereditary and that taking verbal abuse in your family could be passed down as well.  It does not sound like a good mix to me.  At your age, you have plenty of time to find a man who would love you unconditionally.  Set your standards higher than the other women in your family.  Best of luck.