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Depression/Mental Health Forum
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PLEASE Doctor, I desperately need help...


    Im 33 years old and I have suffered from depression and other mental problems for my entire life. From the time I could formulate thoughts I can remember nothing but being extremely depressed, feeling severe guilt, and the ever present severe anxiety and worry over what people were thinking of/ mocking/ridiculing me (and its all so much more complicated than that, but Im trying to be brief). My entire life has been destroyed and wasted due to my mental issues.
    In 1995 I had to go on SSI, after supporting myself for three years as a gay escort,  and since then I have literally been self imprisoned in the house I live in. I live in my (only) friend/ ex lovers house, who Ive lived with for the past twelve years. I have no other friends, no family, no sex/intimacy, no car, no money... nothing. Ive gone from a 150lb guy with a 29 inch waste to a 250 lb repulsive, deformed creature with a 42 inch waste within the paste 6 years. I survive on $650/month from SSI... all of which I give to my friend and in return he allows me to live in his house, he buys my food, and basically acts as my parent. I only leave the house once a month, and only because I absolutely have to in order to go to the pharmacy, and then once every two months to see my shrink (my psychiatric Pez despencer)..
Yes, I have tried so many times to get help. I spent four and a half (wasted) years seeing my last therapist until she decided in 12/99 to leave the "guidance center"  I was seeing her at in order to open up her own practice (which I dint have the money or car to get to). I chose not to see another therapist as I dont trust any of them at this **** place I go to (they all seem/ look like they just rolled out of junior college yesterday) and I  didnt see where I was going to get by rehashing my entire history and problems over and over and over again for another  4 1/2 years to another person.
   I do currently see the psychiatrist at that guidance center who has prescribed me paxil (20mg) for the past two years, but it does nothing for me and the truth is I dont trust this idiot either. He laughed when I told him I wanted to kill myself, he patronizes me every time I see him ("Oh, you still workin on the house?"  meanwhile I only mentioned my house renovation project to him ONE time and that was about six or seven years ago), he gave me the paxil because I saw the TV commercial and asked if I could have it,  not because he actually put any thought into it. Please believe me, he is in another world when I speak to him and I simply cannot trust him to conclude what I should be putting into my brain. The only reason I continue to see him is because Im afraid that Ill be thrown off of SSI if they find out that Im no longer under a doctors care.
   With no money, no insurance (besides medicaid), no car, no family, no friends (the one I live with is too occupied by his drug and sex habits to he
15 Responses
242532 tn?1269553979
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
You have hit bottom. Now it is to time to climb up. I am not sure where you can reach out since you seem so isolated and since you can't find good affordable psychotherapy. so it sounds like you are going to have to do it alone. You are going to have to decide to stop waiting for a helping hand.

You should start with your body..What you can do is lose weight and start exercising...even at home. Next, find a job and get out into the world.  See a  career couselor or go to a publically sponsored job training center.  Get out of the house even if you have to crawl out.   That's a start.
Avatar universal
oops, I posted before finishing the question.
it shouldve read:

", no help and all of my mental issues I dont know how or if Im ever going to get out of this life. I really dont want to die, I desperately just want to know what its like to live and feel happiness, but I honestly see no hope in sight for me. Yes I have a plan and I really believe that I will kill myself someday when I can longer stand to live like this. I literally have no life or existence or purpose. I cant find the energy or motivation to even get out of the chair in front of the computer. All I do is sit alone all day and all night, until I wake up to start it all over again. I cant take it but I cant help myself.
Is there any advice you can give? How can I get help?
Thanks, Jeff (from Long Island NY)

Avatar universal
First off you need to change doctors. He sounds like a non caring ***#$%^! You brought tears to my eyes with the way you talk about yourself. You must realize that you are a beautiful person inside and out. Do not ever describe yourself as this horrible monster. You need a good doctor or physologist to get you through this. And always remember that YOU are in charge of your life and only YOU can chage it. It you do not like the way you look then change it. But you have to accept yourself for who you are. I truly feel for you and I will be praying for you. I know the only peace I can get in this crazy world sometimes is through the Lord. I have issues of my own but none as severe as yours. Just remember" The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. Psalm 18:2" If you own a bible please read the book of Psalms. It will bring you comfort. May God bless and keep you. You are in my prayers. Danielle
Avatar universal
Hi there I just thought i'd post u message.

female here 37, with mental probs all my life also.

something that really helped me was chat rooms for people with depression etc.  Have u tried any of these?

good luck, know how u feel.

Peg
Avatar universal
Hi Jeff, My heart goes out to you! I used to suffer with depression also. A combination of genetics and circumstances and I was told by my doctor that I would be on medication for the rest of my life. I am a spritfilled christian. (Baptised by full immersion and filled with Gods Holy Spirit with the bible evidence of speaking in tongues, which by the way, is the only way to salvation). In the bible, if you are fimiliar with it, you will recall that Jesus sustained 39 whippings across His back to take away our sicknesses. In the book of Isaiah chapter 53 verse 5 it reads..."But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities, the chastisement of our peace was upon Him and with His stripes (whippings)we ARE healed." Not maybe, we ARE. If we believe, we can be healed. I strongly encourage you to take a look at our website to find out in more detail about the wonderful things God can do for you. You have exhausted all of mans options, now try God! He can and WILL heal you. Mentally, physically, emotionally and, most improtantly spiritually! We have fellowships in the states and all around the world. And you will be able to get in touch with a pastor near you. The website is... http://trf.org.au/
Avatar universal
Jeff,

SSI has a programme called PASS. It is set up to train you and offer you a job even while still legally disabled.

Copy and paste this link into your browser:

http://www.passonline.org/whatis/purpose.htm

It will explain what you need to do.

I hope this helps! And I am very sorry to hear you are having such trouble with anxiety and depression.

Anai Rhoads
Avatar universal

Jeff,

You mentioned you make a little money on SSI. Ask your roommate if he could spare you a little spending cash for computized correspondence courses. As a matter of fact, I also am on SSI and I read that they will provide money for certain job training, and college courses. They also realize many do not have transportation in your situation and may be able to help with that.

As Shu so well put it, Jesus is the truth, light and hope. Prayer will give you strength and help you to feel somewhat better.

Do you realize Paxil can make you gain alot of weight? There are other anti-depressants that don't do that. I heard Zoloft is more for losing weight even though it is a similar drug, SSRI.

You may want to consider switching medications since the Paxil does not seem to be working. Also, call your closest church and find if there is someone there willing to start driving you back and forth. You will be suprised at how many friends you can meet there that will try to help you ,especially once you come to know the Lord. Good Luck, I wish you well.


Chatahan

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... I don
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... I don
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... I don
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HJ,

I only know a little Spanish, but I
Avatar universal

HJ,

I only know a little Spanish, but I can read it better than speak it. It appeared you were mentioning you are desperate to get help for a boderline personality disorder. Only a psychiatrist can give you the real help you need as far as taking the correct medications.

If you have a clinic near you try to talk to a doctor about it and get on some medication, usually anti-depressants or Depakote if you can take the side effects. Benzos such as Klonopin can help but are very addictive and hard to withdraw from later.

As far as communicating, there are chat rooms for mental topics in spanish on the internet you just have to search. You may want to plug in the search column- spanish mental health. See if that gives you an opening to something. Good luck.

Chatahan
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