Wanting to be sick ...

[Jaquta]

but not wanting the consequences that go with it.

I've never discussed this with a doctor or psychologist before and I was just wondering whether this was a manifestation of bpd.
Could this be related to abandonment and a need for nurturing?  It pertains more to physical symptoms (but can be triggered when someone is said, or implied, to be sicker than me).

When one goes to see a doctor how does one discern what is significant and how does one present that information?  Bearing in mind the limitations of a consultation.

J

[Jaquta]

I felt apprehensive about reading your response.  I feel incredibly frustrated by my behavior.  I know that while it hurts me now it does open the door to more insights.
Thank you for not judging me and adding to my humiliation and allowing me to feel OK about expressing myself.  It also helps me to feel that I could be OK as a person.

I think what may have happened is I got hooked into issues about value and worth.
Several weeks ago there was a car accident down a main road and traffic was diverted down our road (largely a quiet rural road).  And on Friday evening a rescue helicopter responded to an accident at our neighbors place.
I think I have an interest in the health sector and I think that when confronted with the reality of my life and the opportunities that exist ... it hurts.
I value education and intelligence and health and well-being and many other things and when I perceive people have these I feel triggered.  Perhaps this also has something to do with my relationship with my GP??  (And my father??)

I understand I need to discuss things with a person (and in person).
[I thought a Kernberg, Clarkin and Yeomans text on TFP may have guided me but personal insights are difficult to achieve and an experienced T is preferable.]

I think my mental health has deteriorated to a point where I can't utilize interventions.
My GP is away this week and while it has been an effort I have endeavored to maintain appointments with him.  
Last week when I spoke to him he was wondering about options.  I suggested taking things back to the mental health service.  The history there is very complicated.
In the short-term I don't know what having appropriate support and treatment will achieve.  I feel too tired and stressed to care.  This is a difficult situation to be in.
I don't understand why the mhs and I don't work well together.  (Although I did work well with my last T).  Some staff have been overwhelmed by my situation (and no doubt by me also) and the team has been split.  Usually I take responsibility for the problem, but shouldn't these services be better able to manage people with mental health issues??  (My last T said that I wasn't the problem and that there were issues with the system).  I don't even know if the service has the ability to provide that appropriate support and treatment.  My T didn't believe they did.

So much for my resolve to not talk and self-disclose.

I agree about the immense capacity of the mind/ brain.  I think a lot of my issues arose after doing a short, very basic sport psychology course.
I lost where I was going with this but maybe along the lines of limitations and/ or potential.

The contradictory nature of bpd makes everything confusing.  When in that mind set.

So essentially, reality creates structure.

Thanks again for your input.
J

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

Your own answer to your own question is the right way to approach this..but I still say you need another person to talk to in order to help sort out all the possible explanations you have for what you are experiencig in order to find the solid ground of reality and responsibilty of creating and pursuing a life that you want....inside the mind, anything is possible, and that makes it too confusing...reality is grounding  becausing it is limiting and forces clear logic.

[Jaquta]

Perhaps it is about avoiding responsibility which is the only thing I seem good at.
Active-passivity or perhaps passive-aggressive (or maybe just truly disturbed).

Maybe it is about mattering for one split second (before the judgments begin).

I say without consequences because maybe for briefs periods I feel I would like to be able to achieve.  Without having severely disabled myself in the process.
Perhaps it is a need for everything to stop for just one moment.

The physical part doesn't feel bad.  Or at least not in my imagination.
Do I need to be physically sick to feel emotionally?
Maybe it's because physical pain feels nurturing to me.  At least on some level.

Being physically sick, not mentally unwell.
Maybe that is because that is more acceptable.  (And people recognize physical ailments?)

Munchhausen's?  No, I don't fake illnesses.
Malingering, conversion disorder, fictitious disorder, malignant narcissism??
My last T said I pathologize too much.  Maybe I'm just depressed and fed up?

I'm either too unwell (and angry -which makes me feel sicker), or I feel fine and either stuff doesn't matter or I feel I can cope with it (which I can in that moment).

Pay offs?  Maybe it just occupies time and space.  Attention is taken off things I feel I have little or no control over.  Strange when the reality is the reverse.  If I were more disciplined I could control my thoughts.

Maybe I don't feel anything.  Maybe I need intense situations to generate feelings.

Attention, nurturing, comfort aren't conscious motivators.  I don't know what the primary emotion or need is.  (Probably all of the above plus maybe security).

It's a mess when you get wanting to be sick with wanting everything to stop with self-harm thoughts and urges.

I don't know how this is relevant but my GP said if medical issues did arise from psych issues it would be less likely I would be treated (I don't know why this perception exists -why a psych history changes procedure?).  Also he said he thinks I mask things.

Perhaps the problem is I self-disclose too much.  Are too transparent.

[Amphitrite]

Look I finally got a question on..Yipeee! And just in the ncik of time..
Anyway. I know you've mentioned this to me before but I'm not sure we catually reallly got too into it.

In being sick you are comforted and taken care of, like getting special attention that you wouldn't get when your not sick.

So the way I see 9and I'm interested to see what the doc says) is that when you've been sick(the physical part felt bad which is why you say without the consequences) but the comfort and attention may have made you feel safe and taken care of and when your not sick and don't feel that same type of comfort and attention you got you have a desire to be in that situation again where you feel nurtired, comforted and maybe a little emotionalyy safer with that comfort from others.

I myself wouldn't say it's a direct manifestation of BPD but can see where it fits in with some issues, like abandonment. Feeling nurtured and comforted your not focusing so much on the fear of abandoment because some of your inner needs and desires are being fufuilled.

What to you mean by it pertains more to physical symptoms, do you mean that's what seems to trigger this desire.
In my view the trigger of having someone imply someone is sicker than you, more ill could bring up the feelings of you wanting those desires filled and not nessesarily a jelousy of other who are sicker than you but that you yourself desire the nurchuring and comfort they must be recieving from being so ill)

But that is only my view and the word that comes to mind is munchhausin(spelling so wrong on that I think).
Where a person will fake an illness so that they can get that desired attention and comfort.
Though you haven't mentioned faking an illness and only wishing to be ill without the physical consequences.

I think the way to being it up to a doctor is how you have now. With honesty and what you feel. And I think there is no right or wrong time to talk about it if you find yourself able to.

There are payoffs to being ill and what you have mentioned are the payoffs to you. The nurchering, attention and comfort(though I don't think you mentioned all those in direct wording so I'm making a an assumtion that those may be some of your desires inside).
Being comforted and nurchered is in direct opposition to abandonment so as I can see a correlation between BPD and what your saying. I'm not sure it's a direct manifistation.
But I could def be wrong and like I said I'm onterested o see what the doc will say.

But keep in mind to as for a trigger, that sicker doesn't always mean comfort, attention and nurchering. Myself, Having both IC and endometriosis bring terrible pain and is equivelant in quality of life to end stage renal failure and I've gotten little support, nurchuring or comfort from my entire family. So in alot of cases sicker can just mean, lonelier and more hurt than having any payoffs from being more ill.

Amph