I am a 22 year old male. I have been in a relationship for almost 4 years now..and we have been having some extreme difficulties. I have not been diagnosed as BPD..but I have read many articles on the disorder and it describes me 100%. I have an extreme fear of abandonment, which is very troublesome to my relationship. I see my girlfriend as either an absolute angel, or a complete ***** whom I hate very much. Even though I have these feelings, I know deep inside that I love my girl very much..and I have no idea why I'm pushing her away. After I say these things to her, and call her every name in the book I feel shameful and guilty, and then I feel like killing myself. I feel like I'm so alone..and I know I'm not. I have a cocaine and alcohol problem as well. I use these to escape so to speak. I have uncontrollable anger that is totally unneccesary. I have had this anger long before I ever tried the drugs, so I know that is not the cause. The reason why I get so angry is because I'm really afraid, and I don't know how to control my feelings. I know I need to get help, but I haven't got the money for it. Is there any way to get an affordable, yet respectable opinion on this? I also have fetal alcohol effect and I would like to know whether or not this is related. I would also like to know what the treatments are, and can I get better? I really need some help. It is destroying my relationship, along with all the others whom I love. I also forgot to mention that I am constantly accusing my girlfriend of sleeping with everybody..no matter who it is...her doctor, her co workers, I've even accused her of messing with her grandfather. I know this is a sick thing to think, but it just comes out. It's like my head keeps telling me all these things that she's doing, and I can't control the thoughts. Somebody please help me. The urge to take my own life is getting stronger, and I don't know what to do anymore. Like I said, I cannot afford a therapist. I live in Canada. Thank you in advance for your help.