What is wrong with me

[Jason]

I am a 28 year old man, married with two children. Recently I had an affair, which my wife discovered.  I now realise that all I want is my wife and children back however my wife has different ideas.  Since I was a child I cut myself and this is now becomming worse.  I have attempted suicide twice and been hospitialised once.  The hospital offered no help and told my wife that it was doubtful that there would ever be any significant change in my personality (which has always been quite withdrawn) I have a bad temper and find it hard to socialise with new people.  My wife is confident and outgoing with a large circle of friends whereas I have lost touch with old friends most of whom I'd rather not associate with any more without my wife I will be totally alone as I am not at all close with my own family.  I am constantly cutting myself and thinking of killing myself.  I hate the person I am.  Is it true what the doctors have said?  Why do I cut myself Why do I always feel like this.  Is there any kind of therapy I really do want to help myself. I have been taking antidepressants for months now which don't help much all I seem to do is cry and feel miserable.

[HFHS-M.D.-HG]

Dear Jason

Self destructive behavior (suicidal gestures) is frequently seen in patients with depression, Borderline personality disorders etc. You seem to be suffering from depression. The anti depressant that you are using now do not seem to be working and your Psychiatrist can try you on a different anti depressant.  I would recommend that you immediately consult a Psychiatrist for adequate treatment. You may need therapy on a regular basis for resolving the issues that you are facing now. Suicidal ideations need to be taken serioulsy and I would recommend you to go to the nearest ER or call a crisis line if you think you are losing control. Good luck with your family.

Sincerely
HFHS-M.D.

[Paul]

Jason,
It sounds like you are what is referred to as a "cutter".  I don't know a lot about this myself other than that it's very often and very strongly associated with childhood sexual abuse-- it's usually about control on one level or another.  It is often found in association with severe depression and often in conjunction with other forms of self abuse and self destructive behavior.

If you are on antidepressants that aren't working then you might not be on the right ones.  This is something that you need to work in close harmony with a psychiatrist with (I think only a psychiatrist has the proper medical background for these meds).  You probably also need to go into therapy--either with the prescribing psychiatrist or another therapist/psychologist.

Jason I suspect that once your wife is convinced that you are proactively seeking treatment that she will reconsider casting you adrift.  But I think, for you own sake as well as your family's sake that you must take your situation seriously enough to really seek that help.

Final note:
Jason, use the internet to research about "cutters"  There is probably a lot of useful stuff out there. You aren't the first or only one to experience this so don't feel too alone.  You don't have to continue to feel miserable Jason.  There is help.