The situation at work is complex, lots of changes coming up that are really worrying me, and I have my review meeting regarding the 'reasonable adjustments' for my mental health disability this Thursday.
But the bottom line is that I'm really struggling with motivation. This is because of my depression - chronic major depression - I've had it in varying degrees of severity since I was young, although wasn't formally diagnosed and treatment started until the past 6 years. [I'm 38.] I just have no .. interest and enthusiasm about work. About life, really. But work is where it kind of shows. And it makes me really sad. I've always struggled with it - a tutor at university said "everything seems an effort for you" in a disappointed tone of voice. I just can't find any... passion. Fire. Whatever. It's hard for me to be around people. And I don't sleep great or restfully even on meds. I sleep fine-ish for the first 5 hours or so, then wake frequently from around 4am. I'm so exhausted. Therapy is going well. I'm doing the work I need to do to help me manage the long term effects of complex trauma, and how they effect the internal dynamics of my psyche and relationships with others in the present. It's important work.
Maybe the root of the lack of motivation is somewhere in when I was little, and noone really noticed me at school [well, they ignored severe bullying for a decade, so I may as well have been invisible... ] and I never got much praise. Also, lacking in confidence, I never spoke up much. I have a voice now, but it holds all that was frozen, back then. So there's a kind of 'why bother?' feeling, and 'noone praises me and values me, so I might as well not exist, not bother'. Spot the lost little girl in that. Irritable, hostile angry lost little girl. Who I work all the time to contain and minimise her 'intrusions'.
I feel so sad that I can't find any motivation, any enthusiasm. I don't know how to get it back...