help with suicide and depression

[Maxii36]

I was friends with a group of kids since kindergarten up until 6th grade. They started being very cruel to me. I was the best in my class and they couldn't handle the attention I got sometimes. New kids came and I was completely ignored. I because very close friends with a girl who was also ignored and we love each other.

I appreciate everything I've got. I'm sleep deprived, I don't eat as much, I'm always in some sort of pain and suicide is a daily thought for the past 2 or 3 years.

I am a natural introvert and sometimes I hate living.

My memory is getting worse, probably the lack of sleep.

I took the test from sanityscore. It seems pretty legit.
I got a 98 out of 100. 10 being the least or most normal, 60 average.

I feel very numb and I miss my best friend and I want to be able to let my guard down. If I did let it down, I would feel even more hurt, scarred, distant and numb than I already do. This is hard to imagine.

I have had bad memory problems for a while. I forget most of the day by the time. It's been bothering me at school for a while but not to this extent.

My parents know about my fatigue and memory problems.

I often have thoughts I wish not to have. Of people I care about dying, being violent, bad things happening to them and for a while, incest. I try to think of doing thing else to make it go away but they still come back.

I suppose I would just like to know how I can be happy with such limited resources and an unsupportive family. I don't want to be sick anymore.

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

You write well and describe your life in great detail....there is no simple way to tell you how to be happy, but you certainly sound like you are going to work it out....but you should get professional help, and you mentioned in your response to Jaquta that your dad almost took you..now is the time to press it, and press him to take action...that seems to be your best bet unless you want to push the guidance counselor to get you more help from the school.

[Maxii36]

Well, to respond to your first point to whether or not I really feel love in the relationhips. Things with my boyfriend are different. He's a bright boy who thinks on a different level. He's the only person to think the same way I do. There's so much to him I can say but we were best friends for a while before the relationship escalated.

As for my other sick friend. She goes to two types of therapy and there was a faulting in our relationship and I don't with to be close friends with her anymore. It just isn't worth it.

I've pretty much begged to be taken to a doctor by my parents but mum doesn't do much about it and my father has made appointments but we haven't gone to any in two years.

I've spoken with a guidence counsoler but he's rather busy himself and I can't keep missing classes to see him.

[Jaquta]

That seems pretty full-on and a lot to deal with.

I'm not sure about all the relationships because at times I wonder if you really love them or whether you just want and need the security, comfort and connection that come from them.

As your parents are aware of your fatigue and memory problems, could you use this as leverage to get them to take you to see a doctor?
Could you see a school counselor?

I really think you should speak to someone urgently.  You can't afford to keep going on like this.

There is so much in your post that could be responded too but I think accessing help is the most important thing.
I think your friend needs help too.
Maybe you two could go to the hospital together??  If your parents won't help you get support, get it yourself.  People can help you work through the other issues too.

This is not a game and can get serious and dangerous very fast.
Growing up people at school spoke of suicide and one shot himself while another jumped.  Thinking and talking about suicide are big warning signs.
I too had many of the warning signs you have and one day I just snapped and just had enough.  Lucky for me I wasn't able to concentrate and just about ended up under a truck.
You're extremely bright so you will know you need to do something about your situation.  Try asking a trusted, responsible adult for support.

By the way, that's probably more books than I've read in my entire lifetime.

Good luck with everything.  Let us know how you get on.