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Hurting, and Confused

Hey,

Just wanted to start out by saying my name's Mark, I'm 16 years old right now, and I'm just so frustrated, hurt and confused. I never thought I'd use an online forum, but I think it's help me even if no one replies to this.

So here's my situation, my father is a complete bipolar lunatic sometimes. He's just very frustrating to talk to or live with sometimes, for example today, I sighed in front of him, and he literally just blew up on me saying things like, "Why the hell you show such displeasure in front of me" and I was just completely caught off guard and told him I was tired as I just got home from work and just wanted to eat dinner, and his response being, "If you're tired don't work, I'll call your Boss and tell them you can't work Mon-Fri and Sunday's" and this was just completely unnecessary, can people not just be  exhausted from a long day? You really want to know the funny part about all this? Through my job, I've been helping him pay for bills, and the mortgage on our home, I help him out as much as I can, I already split the internet bill with my brother, we've been purchasing our own clothes, devices, pay our phone bills etc. Honestly, my Father hasn't had to do anything for us outside of feeding us like 2-3 times a week, and that's just one meal, and being a guardian to sign forms, we've been pretty self-reliant for a while. He just chooses to blow up and says that we don't help with anything, like gardening, cleaning, etc. Thing is, we help when we can, and having a job where I work 20+ hours a week, have a full 8 period day at school with Honor and AP classes; assigning a lot of homework, and trying to have a social life, it's just a lot sometimes being 16, and he's not helping at all, he only adds on more problems and headache. He's never been there emotionally or psychologically, if he sees you cry or show emotion he will tear you down from there to feel worthless; always threatening to send us to foster care to 'See how we'd like that' and the funny part about all this is he always tell us how he minored in Child Psychology, well he's obviously using it to mentally **** us. There's so much more to be said, but I can't go on forever, I just needed to get some of my main points typed out in front of me, so I'm not battling myself inside my head.

Just a side note, I can be depressed sometimes, never wanting to commit suicide or anything, because I always tell myself "You're worth living for, live to prove him wrong, live for yourself" and that's all that's been pushing me. I have passing thoughts of wanting to drink, just to get so drunk I won't remember telling someone all my thoughts and emotions, and just having someone listen to me; I feel so alone and abandoned sometimes. I know it's just not the way to go, but doesn't everyone think it'd be nice just once? I don't want to talk to any friends because I just can't; I don't need them knowing everything about my ****** up life.

But yeah, thanks for reading if you did.

Regards,
Mark
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Avatar universal

  Hi Mark,
      You sound like a very intelligent young man. You and your brother should try and support each other as much as you can. Your father sounds like a challenge to live with. I noticed you have not mentioned your mom anywhere in your post.  There must be a guidance counselor at your school. Perhaps you could make an appointment to talk to him or her.  It's just an idea. You say you have passing thoughts of wanting to drink, just to get drunk so you won't remember telling someone all your thoughts and emotions.  Getting drunk is never a good idea.  Talking about your feelings and expressing your thoughts is important .  This is why I suggested talking to your school guidance counselor. I am so glad to hear that you have never wanted to end your life.  You're only 16 years old. You have your whole life ahead of you and yes you're worth living for .  I think it is very important that you and your brother support each other.  Do you get along well ? I hope so. It is important to remember that there is a way out of any problem. Does your father have a job ?  I am not trying to defend your father, but I have heard that having a bipolar personality is challenging.  You must have been rather shocked though when your father over reacted to your harmless sigh. I know you have a busy life , Mark, but maybe you and your brother could try and help your dad with some gardening, cleaning etc.  If you live in a house, taking care of a house is a lot of work.  Part of being bipolar is living with depression and when you're depressed, you're easily frustrated, lack energy to do anything etc.  This is why I'm suggesting that you make an appointment to talk to your school guidance counselor to see what kind of advice he or she can offer .  It's so important to talk about your feelings and emotions and guidance counselors are trained to help students .  I hope something I have shared with you is helpful.  I wish you and your brother the best of luck and stay strong.   Take good care,  Eve  
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