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My son hates me...help!

Hello...new to the group and stumbled across it after go googling the same words as my heading "my son hates me".
I'm a 40 year woman with a loving husband and 5 children.
I met my husband when my son was 6 months old. We were very young and the relationship was intense from the very beginning. I will be the first to admit that my relationship with him was a priority,  and I neglected alot of things that should have come first, including my son.
There came a point that we decided to move, and I left my son with his father. I didn't stay away long, and came back within a couple months...my son was probably 1 or 2 at this time. Our relationship ended and I discovered I was pregnant. I gave birth to my daughter and we tried again to work things out. That lasted maybe 2 weeks and I left.
Fast forward to 5 years later I was enrolled in school and my mom offered to take my son because I was struggling with child care. She ended up having him for probably about a year. I lived 4 hours away from and saw him very seldom.
When I finished school I moved back with my parents and haven't been away from my son since. I love him very much, as we all love our children. He was so young when he was with my mom, I would have never guessed my absence would effect him as an adult.
My daughters father and I reconciled after he became a born again Christian and in my opinion, life has been wonderful. We were married when my son was 10 and my daughter was 7.
My husband has loved my son and treated him as his own since the beginning. He did have firm beliefs on the type of music my son could listen to, and made the decision one day to burn a shirt my son had on that he felt was satanic...I hear the story all too often on the damage that did to him. He says he couldn't have an opinion or be an individual without my husband "running the show". One day, after yet another bad report card, my husband took him to get his long hair shaved off, also another story that gets told often as a day my husband "overstepped" his boundaries.  This upset me so much, I told him to butt out of any and all discipline of him and let me handle him. That may have been a mistake because it seems like my son's attitude towards life was just going down the drain. His father has, even up to this point (hes almost 22)MAYBE spent 10 days total with him, and yet he seems to love his dad very much and they now talk often(on the phone). I've tried to be a good mom, encouraging him with music by getting him his first guitar and then drum set. Encouraging him with his art, getting him supplies and most recently a tattoo machine. He lost his friend in a car accident at 16 and so when he showed no interest in driving, I left that alone...figured when he was ready he would get it. In the meanwhile, he lives with us and I'm his chauffeur. Not long ago i discovered after a fight with his girlfriend that he was suicidal. Threatening his life when she didnt want to be with him. This made me so sad and i coulnt believe my son had these feelings. I tried to talk to him about getting help, told him how much i loved him, but no response. Now, he decided to move out,  WITH HER, I was happy he was taking that step and excited that he was finally going to take the leap into adulthood, but the idea of him wanting to hurt himself if they fought again plagues me.
Just last week, I rushed home to take him to work, dropped him off and 2 hours later he calls to be picked up. I went, and actually let him drive my new car because he had insisted he had been getting practice. That went fine and we got home and he asked AGAIN to get a ride somewhere.  I said I couldn't, I had plans and that he would have to get a ride another way. 9pm comes, I have 2 friends at my house and we're having a couple drinks...my phone rings. It's him, wanting a ride (normal)...I said I had company and had a couple drinks and my smaller kids were home so I couldn't.  He flipped, "are you f***** serious" ? (Not typical at all of how he speaks to me). He hung up and my friend drove us to the store and when we came back I saw his friend leaving. I walked in and he was in the kitchen, I said "sorry I couldn't get you, by the way I didn't drive right now" (just so he knew I wasn't lying to him about not being able to drive). Well, that led to him screaming, cursing at me and calling me a f******* ***** in front of company! I was shocked and so embarrassed.  It's been a week so finally after the silent treatment,  I texted him asking if we could talk to fix this and I get this....
"i just asked for a ride home and you were out getting drinkings.. It just pushed me over the edge and made me so angry. I dont wana apologize to you because you havent been there and cant so the smallest things, you do sometimes but i just wish you would be there how grama is. She will literally drop everything for me! And she has unconditional love for me. James rules your life and that house and he will always have a place in your heart above me.. I hate it and I accepted that when i was younger that he will always rule over anybody. You will never love me or do as much as grama has ever done. She basically raised me. And i see her more as my mom than you. It just ***** to know that ill never have a real mom.. Im not hurt anymore i dont care about the past anymore. I dont wana talk about it anymore, i dont want you to feel obligated to tell me you love me or do stuff for me."
I'm so hurt and feel so emotionally drained. I've battled in my mind 1000 xs if he's just being spoiled...if his feelings are valid, but I do know he's confused. My mom did not raise him...she loves him beautifully and I appreciate that! But my son's words are as if he was raised in a house of terror and I didn't care ...I do care!! I believe since the incident of suicidal thoughts he was showing I've gone above and beyond to show him how much he means to me. I need help, I can't live with this tremendous cloud over my head as if I ruined him. Did i???  
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Quit worrying about if u ruined him. He has a lot of negative feelings where u are concerned as a result of what your husband did to him that you "allowed". You and your son need to go to counseling togdther. Forget the husband or his dad. You can only fix your relationship with him. And it is going to take professional counciling. It is never too late. It would help if you went in with an open mind and try not to defend your actions. How you feel Bouton what happened an how he feels about the same action are two totally different things. Do not defend or make excuses. Admit your actions as he sees them and apologize for those actions. This is what he needs. Never to late as long as u are both still on this earth. Good luck. Let me know how it goes. Have similar issues with my mom in the past, major source of my depression. Never would apologize. Always acted like I was a attacking her when I was trying to let her know what bothered me. I'm 54, she apologized to me about a year ago at her age of 80 for all the things she did wrong in my growing up. I will never forget that day. Waited a long time to hear it. Would have helped me out tremendously had I gotten it years earlier.
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Quit worrying about if u ruined him. He has a lot of negative feelings where u are concerned as a result of what your husband did to him that you "allowed". You and your son need to go to counseling togdther. Forget the husband or his dad. You can only fix your relationship with him. And it is going to take professional counciling. It is never too late. It would help if you went in with an open mind and try not to defend your actions. How you feel Bouton what happened an how he feels about the same action are two totally different things. Do not defend or make excuses. Admit your actions as he sees them and apologize for those actions. This is what he needs. Never to late as long as u are both still on this earth. Good luck. Let me know how it goes. Have similar issues with my mom in the past, major source of my depression. Never would apologize. Always acted like I was a attacking her when I was trying to let her know what bothered me. I'm 54, she apologized to me about a year ago at her age of 80 for all the things she did wrong in my growing up. I will never forget that day. Waited a long time to hear it. Would have helped me out tremendously had I gotten it years earlier.
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Don't take this as an attack on you. Right now it's not about you. It's about your dear son that you gave birth to whom u love with all your heart. You do not want to lose him to suicide.
However I have to point out that when you were unable to go pick him up because u had company and had been drinking...
But we're able to get someone to drive you to the store.....

Could u have not gotten that someone to drive you to go pick your son up?.....

And then to make the excuse when he saw you driving up that "you weren't the one driving"....

Look at it from his point of view....

Admit your wrong, apologize, and seek professional counsing for the both of you with nothing from you but open mindedness and I'm sorries, and don't put him on the back burner In the future when he needs you. Good luck, hope hall are doing ok.
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And don't let your husband so anything to him. You and your son only. That man ruined your son, not u. I doubt it very seriously that your son has any desire to work things out with James. Only you.
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