May 17, 2015 .. I lost my father .. I don't really know how to "greive" the best thing I can do is not think about the fact that my dad is gone ..
here is my background story :
My mother was 16 , my father 17 . My mom grew up in an extremely violent and abusive home . From what I was told my mother met my father and they fell in love . My dad and my mother both came up with this brilliant idea to have a baby , to get my mom out of the house my mom was living in .. so guess what , that's how I came about . They got married right before I was born . What my parents didn't know is that being young and married isn't the easiest , especially with a baby .. They fought , and fought hard . They're basically oil and water , they don't mix. They were divorced as early as I could remember , right after my little brother was born ..
My parents had no clue what they were doing , but me and my little brother ended up being put in the middle of there fights 9 times out of 10 . Since my mom had custody , and my dad had every other weekend with us . We got all of our info from my mom , and of course I'd pick her side , cause you know that's my "mommy" .
Now , that I'm older , I see that both sides are at fault . Both parents have done wrong . But what I regret is that I never gave my father the benefit of doubt .. I automatically assumed he was at fault . Every time . My anger was always lashed out on him .
When I got older , I turned 18 and moved out on my own my parents kind of took a back burner . My dad has always had bad health . He was diagnosed with juvenile diabetes at the age of 13 .. In his teens and even in his adult years he would forget to take his insulin. Often he would turn to drugs such as crack , Cocaine and meth .. I don't remember how old I was but I do remember being told at the age of 15 from a relative who got there info from a doctor that my dad wouldn't live to be 35 .
The last 2 years has been a struggle .. My father had strokes , kidney failure , heart attacks .. He's was basically blind in his end he couldn't even get himself off of the floor ..
I remember the day he told me and my brothers that he was quiting kidney dialysis .. I knew he was suffering . I knew what he wanted was what was best .. Those last days I spent with my father by his side , talking to him for hours and him telling me he loves me and him saying he is proud of the woman I've became ..
I know , everyone eventually will loose there parents .. But my dad died too young , at the age of 40 . I don't know how in my future marry someone without him there to walk me down the aisle , or be around to see his first grandchild ..
It hurts to know that my children , will never meet the crazy old man that helped create me . He has done bad things in his past , but he loved us , with everything he had . He fought every time he was down for us . I miss my dad .. I thought that time would help .. It doesn't make anything easier .