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Venting ..

May 17, 2015 .. I lost my father .. I don't really know how to "greive" the best thing I can do is not think about the fact that my dad is gone ..
here is my background story :

My mother was 16 , my father 17 . My mom grew up in an extremely violent and abusive home . From what I was told my mother met my father and they fell in love . My dad and my mother both came up with this brilliant idea to have a baby , to get my mom out of the house my mom was living in .. so guess what , that's how I came about . They got married right before I was born .  What my parents didn't know is that being young and married isn't the easiest , especially with a baby .. They fought , and fought hard . They're basically oil and water , they don't mix.  They were divorced as early as I could remember , right after my little brother was born ..

My parents had no clue what they were doing , but me and my little brother ended up being put in the middle of there fights 9 times out of 10 . Since my mom had custody , and my dad had every other weekend with us . We got all of our info from my mom , and of course I'd pick her side , cause you know that's my "mommy" .

Now , that I'm older , I see that both sides are at fault . Both parents have done wrong . But what I regret is that I never gave my father the benefit of doubt .. I automatically assumed he was at fault . Every time . My anger was always lashed out on him .

When I got older , I turned 18 and moved out on my own my parents kind of took a back burner . My dad has always had bad health . He was diagnosed with juvenile diabetes at the age of 13 .. In his teens and even in his adult years he would forget to take his insulin. Often he would turn to drugs such as crack , Cocaine and meth .. I don't remember how old I was but I do remember being told at the age of 15 from a relative who got there info from a doctor that my dad wouldn't live to be 35 .  

The last 2 years has been a struggle .. My father had strokes , kidney failure , heart attacks .. He's was basically blind in his end he couldn't even get himself off of the floor ..

I remember the day he told me and my brothers that he was quiting kidney dialysis .. I knew he was suffering . I knew what he wanted was what was best .. Those last days I spent with my father by his side , talking to him for hours and him telling me he loves me and him saying he is proud of the woman I've became ..

I know , everyone eventually will loose there parents .. But my dad died too young , at the age of 40 . I don't know how in my future marry someone without him there to walk me down the aisle , or be around to see his first grandchild ..


It hurts to know that my children , will never meet the crazy old man that helped create me . He has done bad things in his past , but he loved us , with everything he had . He fought every time he was down for us . I miss my dad .. I thought that time would help .. It doesn't make anything easier .
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I'm sorry you are going through this.  Grieving and be such a confusing process.  It seems as if there are different values placed on different relationships, so when we lose this person or that person it can sometimes be profound and complete or you can be left there holding the bag wondering what in the hell just happened.

My dad died relatively young too.  Both kids got to meet him and spend some time, but they were babies when he died.  I often wonder what their relationships would be like today because I had a bad relationship with my dad.

One thing that I liked from your post was, you got to sit and tell each other how much you love each other.  That is something that will never go away and you can go back to that moment any time you want.  

The unanswered questions are probably the hardest things to deal with.  I found a bit of peace knowing that I might not have appreciated the answers to some of the unanswered questions, if those answers were indeed honest.  

I don't know if it ever gets any easier, but we do move a little further away from their death day by day.  Accepting the fact that they are gone can make grieving a bit more difficult.

Anyhow, I wish you some peace in all of this.  It'll come in due time and if you feel the need to speak to a health care professional about this, don't hesitate.  I did and it almost ruined my life.

Good luck
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The word grieve is just an understatement, my dear all hope is not lost, you can't grieve all year, that is why they say when there is life there is also hope, God knows the reason why he took your dad but I will also tell you that he has got plans for your future if only you believe God will comfort you...Thanks..
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Hey

I understand how you feel. I'm so sorry for your lost. It's normal to feel that way. Regret only comes in the end, when there's nothing more you can do about it. It ***** but it's true. It also makes coping up with grief more difficult.

What you needed to do is think about how you feel about him now. At least your perception about him changed and you can honestly say that despite your experiences in the past he will forever be your father.

He will always be in your heart and that's what important. Your stories about him will always be remembered and that's what you should do. If many people think of him as nothing then change the perception of those people.

No matter how abusive he was in the past, he was still able to love. And that we can prove through you, the daughter he was proud of.

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