Avatar universal

newly married but suffered

hi.. i m 22 and newly married. within one week of my newly married life, i came to know that my husband is speaking to another girl. he actually promised before marriage that she was nothing to him and he will never speak to her. i agreed to marry only after he made this promise. but all my trust was shattered when i came to know all his promises were fake. i m really finding hard to accept the fact he cheated and lied to me. i feel like dying. although he says she s just a friend to him,i cant understand why he doesnt have the self control to stop talking to her (that girl was creating alot of problems btw us and wanted to separate him from me but we managed to get married) my hubby now promises that he will not speak to her and wants to trust him. i still dont know whether theirs was a physical relationship but it seems like that. what should i do? i m not enjoying my married life but only suffering. now i m getting constant back head pain. i m mentally disturbed now
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Avatar universal
I am so sorry that you are going through this.  I put my wife through the same thing after about 18 years of marriage and I got to see what I put her through.  I can only imagine how broken you feel right now, and again, I am so sorry that you are going through this.

I've read your post a few times and I want to offer the most helpful information I can, coming from my own experiences.  I'll start with this... you get to choose if giving this marriage another chance is a chance you want to take.  In order for that to happen, you should require complete disclosure and your husband needs to answer all of the questions you ask about the affair.  (You have to try to get this all straight in your head.)

Your husband should be apathetic, should be more than supportive and be the most clear and transparent individual in the world.  Everything he does should be open to your inspection at any time.  You should have his pass words to his phone/computer etc and he needs to know that he needs to prove he has nothing to hide and is only committed to you and your marriage.

If he can't or is not willing to do these things, you have decisions to make.  I would suggest seeking some counseling together and perhaps some private sessions for the both of you as individuals.  

This will be a pain staking endeavor but people and marriages do come out on the other side, stronger than they were before.  Not all marriages survive, and I understand that.  Breaking trust is one thing and learning to forgive is another.  Its a damned hard thing to do....  Your husband has a lot to prove to you if this marriage can survive.  He needs to show you that he is worth YOUR time and YOUR effort.

You get to call the shots.
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Avatar universal

Hello there,
So, you've been married a week. Marriage is about trust and commitment,
mutual respect, compromise, support and so many more things.
I think you need to sit down with your new husband and clear the air.
Ultimatums don't work, so don't say, I'll leave you if you don't stop talking
to that girl. It's also emotional blackmail. Anyway, here's an idea. You could
tell your husband how much it bothers you for him to talk to this woman.
Remind him of his promise to you to stop talking to her. You have every
right to insist that he no longer have anything to do with her. To be honest,
this woman has a lot of nerve to continue to try and have a friendship with
your husband. Sorry, but no such thing as a friendship with another woman when you're married. Your husband needs to tell her in no uncertain terms
that they can't be friends anymore because he's now married to you.
My husband doesn't have any women friends. I wouldn't stand for it either
and we've been married seven years. I was also married before for five
years. Some people might disagree, but by continuing this relationship with another woman who he may or not have been intimate with,
your new husband is disrespecting you. Another poster suggested perhaps
going to marriage counselling. It's not a bad idea. Sometimes a third party
can act as an intermediary. You may be able to work through this problem
yourselves. This would really bother me too. Another poster suggested that
you know your husband's email password. I disagree. I don't know my
husband's email password. I don't need to know. I totally trust him and he
totally trusts me. Loving your partner is very important , but so too is respecting each other , supporting each other, trusting each other and being each other best friend. This is the second marriage for both of us.
We've both been married before to other people. We've just celebrated our
seventh anniversary and I have learned so much between my two marriages. You've only just begun to live, white lace and promises, a kiss
for luck and you're on your way ... Be kind and understanding towards each
other. I wish you well.
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