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6300143 tn?1380221525

2 Minutes away from suicide daily

Ok, so i have hit a horrible depression...i did once before at 15 and tried to kill myself but my mom found me and i went to a hospital for about 3 weeks to get better...i was put on anti depressants and anxiety pills,,,
i am 25 year old female...i was with someone for 3 years and they were my life. He took my to Tahoe in the beginning of Sept and told me he has fallen out of love with me...and that he would rather do Heroin. I tried to talk to him about it over the next few days but he just started to get rude. He said i was a horrible girlfriend and a nightmare to be around. I have been crushed. He was NEVER this person and i don't know what happened. He was the first person i have EVER invested in. He was my everything and after a 3 day vacation i have nothing...no answers.

I am not close with my family...at all....my father molested me as a young child and my mom knew about it but was sleeping with the pastor of our church, so she didn't stop it...I guess i have always had a hard time with trusting guys...or girls for friends...so i find myself alone now at home cutting myself. I haven't cut since i was 15 but it helps...but i have been 2 minutes away from suicide for the past 3 weeks...i went to the doctor and they don't want to give me any pills for it...which is crazy because in all my health history, drugs, pills, or anything like that i have never had a problem with. In fact, i hate taking pills so for me to go to a doctor and show him i'm hurting myself and want to go all the way with it and have him deny me medication just makes me feel like there is no hope....

I am a strong person...or at least i thought i was until my investment dumped me...i just need help and i know that! I cannot go away for another 3 weeks because i have a job and would lose it, and not be able to come back....but if i died, it would be like quitting, right??

I am just afraid i am going to take this to far and i don't know who to reach out to at this point...
16 Responses
710547 tn?1295446030
I agree with the previous posters. They gave you some excellent advice. I understand cutting - you hurt so badly on the inside - you have to equalize the pressure by hurting on the outside. Its a real warning sign for you to pay attention to. The fact that you're thinking of your job and cat shows that you can see a future. Maybe a dim one but its there.

The molestation and your mothers betrayal would make anyone feel abandoned and distrustful. You may even tend to seek out relationships that won't work. We all go where we feel a connection to our past and what we're used to. For you - that's a place where you're not valued. You don't really know what that feels like - how could you? Your bf made his choice for now and as has already been said you can't help him. For now you have to focus on yourself. I know it seems impossible to stop the world to get off for enough time to get help, but it is possible. And its a lot better than getting off permanently via suicide. You have yet to figure out the important issues in life. What its about - what your purpose is in it. God created you for something good. You just need to heal so you can go out and be who you were meant to be.

Healing takes work and I so hope you will decide that you're worth the effort because you are! You have huge value and every difficult situation you've been through can help you grow and help others in the future. Without challenge we don't grow or develop into strong people. So please don't try to shove the hurt and pain deep inside. A therapist can really help you understand the reasons for your pain and the coping strategies that will enable you to move on to a life where you feel you are too valuable to cut on or hide away from others or end your life. You will matter one day to others in a way you can't imagine now. But believe in yourself. Believe you can live a life that matters. You already can see that you matter to us. Begin to matter to yourself. And keep us posted.
Avatar universal
Do this for me, take a few minutes that urge may pass. I don't want u to go. Don't go, ok? I am here for u.
480448 tn?1426948538
I'm so sorry to hear about all you've been through, certainly a lot hon.

Have you ever been in therapy to deal with the molestation and feeling abandoned by your Mom?  That's definitely important, as that would have a big impact on you.

As for your BF, I'm so sorry, that hurts so much but understand that he's sick, an addict will choose their drug over anything, including their own children.  They will say horrible, mean things.  It's not THEM talking but their addiction.  He needs help, and only HE can get that help.  You cannot make him better.  

I think, with all you have going on, it's best for you to focus on YOU right now.  As hard as it is, try to grieve the relationship, and move on for now.  Who knows, maybe in the future, once YOU get better and hopefully once HE deals with his addiction, you may end up back together.  You never know.

For now though, get into some intensive therapy, find a new doctor who will take your cries for help seriously.  Have you ever considered an inpatient admission, to get you stabilized on a medication regimen, and a head start on some in depth therapy?  I would highly recommend looking into that, especially being that you're really struggling.  There are a lot of inaccurate portrayals about what a psych admission is like.  It can be a real blessing to someone who is suffering a lot.  Just give it some thought.

Obviously, it goes without saying that if you feel you're in danger of harming yourself, you must seek help immediately, in an ER, call 911 if you have to.  

Suicide is NOT the answer sweetie.  You're young with your WHOLE life ahead of you.  I know you're in a dark place right now, but with the right help, it won't be like that forever.  You have to work through all of the horrible things that happened to you, and learn to find a place of acceptance, and learn that it is NO reflection on you.  The abuse you endured does not define who you are.

PLEASE do not hurt yourself...you reached out here, which is an amazing first step.  You can and will get better, with the right help and support.  We're always here for you!  Please keep posting.  

You're in my thoughts.
6300143 tn?1380221525
i just dont feel like i can do this anymore...i cry all the time...when i am at work i stab myself with safety pins...at home i cut..and part of me thinks **** it go all the way...but i have a cat...and its like the only thing i have to live for...and i kow if i did do anything a friend would take him..i just feel like a gave up...and cant do it anymore...im just a numb empty shell and i dont think i can go on any longer like this...
Avatar universal
You are right, you are a strong person. You have been thru so much and yet you have made a life for yourself. Your not alone. Even strong people can fall once in a while. I would consider myself strong and I can tell you that I have been in that dark pit of dispair. I have also tried to end my life a few times. Depression can go so deep that it's hard to crawl your way out. I am here to say that it is so possible. The darkness does eventually pass. I know when your in the midst of it, it's hard to see but it will. You have overcome some bad obstacles and the strength that took was enormous. Tell yourself life is worth living. That you have so much to give and offer. You are important and have a purpose in life. You deserve to be happy and free of the pain you are feeling. I know it takes time but things will get better. I hope you consider going to therapy because I believe this will really help you. It has helped me. Sometimes you don't click with the first therapist you go to and sometimes you do. If it's not the right fit, try another.

Relationships can be good and they can be bad. The most important thing to tell yourself is regardless of who you are with, your core values and beliefs are who you are. Love and respect yourself and tell yourself you are important. You deserve the best and don't ever settle.

At this point in your depression and hurting yourself to make the pain go away, I would recommend that you ck yourself into the hospital. I have done this and it really does help. You need a mental break and a kick start into recovering. You will have dr's, probably meds and support groups to go to when your up to it. You are crying out for help and I hope you do what it takes to help yourself. Things won't magically happen, you will be the one to do that. Getting yourself help will be your first step. As fo work. First, you don't always stay in for 3 weeks. It varies, I've been there. I hope you can talk to someone privately so you don't loose your job. Hopefully someone there has some compassion. Your life is much more valuable than any job. Jobs come and go but you only get one life. Please find a therapist, get a dr and get help right away from the hospital. And please, please remember that you are very important and tell yourself that you love yourself. We are always here if you need us. Fondly, Crystal
480448 tn?1426948538
Sweetie, please get some help.  Look into an inpatient admission.  You need help with this, that doesn't make you a weak person.  Depression is all consuming.  

Please think about it, and keep posting.  We're here for you.  We know what it's like!
480448 tn?1426948538
EXCELLENT post!

afraid...how are you doing?
5685035 tn?1423932969
there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think
I have dealt with suicidal behaviors and cutting...I fight the urge to cut to this day!!
If you ever need to talk, or need a friend I am here!! Your an amazing girl and I know you dont want to die, otherwise you wouldnt have come here right/ PM me any time please
6300143 tn?1380221525
i am trying to get better...i try not to be alone because i cut, a lot...so i try and always have someone at my house...but i am not doing any better...i have a therapist and a psychiatrist....i am on a blood pressure pill and Xanax... i have never been a pill person and i'm just struggling with everyday life, and the fact that i need pills not to cry...i hate waking up in the morning...and every morning i think about just ending it...i go to work and do my best, but the truth is i am not here...I've been gone for a while..

I try and not think about anything that makes me sad...but i have also never had a loss this big and don't see the point of going on...

I am told that nobody is worth this kind of pain i am going through...but i don't know how to stop...when i hurt..i cut..when i cut i get sleepy..i go to bed...i wake up and i hurt..and when i hurt...Its just a big circle of ****. I try and stop it...but i am fighting an inner battle and i feel my good half is severely losing...i don't have the support system i would need if i even went away for a week into a support facility. Nobody to feed my cat...i couldn't make rent or a car payment if i missed a week...but if i ended it, it would be like i quit my job and don't have to worry about bills or the thought that the man i loved..the first man i ever let into my walls, blew it to ****...i have nothing to lose anymore...he took it all from me and left me with no explanation only memories of what used to be....and i'm just so far done its ridiculous...

On a good note...i am at work and my Ex's mom just stopped in to say she still loves me and that she is so sorry her son is being such an *** hole. She is one of the best mother figures i have....and to hear her say she loves me and misses me just made my day as much as it crushed it because i am no longer apart of that family for the moments i cherished the most...

I'm just scared of how i feel...and i want it all to stop!! ...help is now just a figment of my imagination...
Avatar universal
I'm sorry your hurting so bad.I wish I could take away your pain. You know when you were younger and something inside you kept you strong and you had to take care of yourself? You have to find that strength again. You made it thru a terrible time and now you are free to take care of yourself, be safe and to live life to the fullest. Your life is worth living and you deserve to be happy. Breakups take time to heel. Tell yourself you are worthy. You don't need someone to tell you that you are worthy. Once you get your strength back and once you get your confidence back, things will start to get better. The most important thing is for you to work on yourself. Meds help but they don't do everything. I'm so glad you are in Therapy. Just remember, that takes time too. Meds take time. Finding the right med may take time. I say this so you will know to be patient. Hang in there, don't give up and give all of these things a chance. It will be worth the time it takes. Maybe you could even find some groups to go to. That will help you open up with your feelings and listen to others who may have had similar experiences.

It will help you to get out and walk or run. It will make you feel better and help clear your mind. If you can get a meditation CD that could really help. It helps me to just have a clear mind. The more you do it the easier for you to clear your mind regularly on your own. The last thing I wanted to mention is CBT which stands for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It is a very good type of Therapy. One thing they suggest for cutting is to wear a rubberband. Every time you think about cutting you snap the rubberband and it helps stop you. If you look that up online you can read in depth exactly how and why it works.
Just some suggestions. Keep yourself occupied as much as you can when your not at work. We're hear for you.
6231275 tn?1379901818
I felt same way and got so depressed and took to many pills to ease the pain trust me it dont work i went into a coma and ended up in hospital with damage to my nerves, its not worth it, try to think of good times in your life and feed off that they times like that can come again. But you have to get past the hurt to feel the happiness i have found and forgive others because you are better than that.just trust in god and suicide isn't worth it. I know from experience.
Avatar universal
These posts are making me cry! Are you getting out an exercising? Walking. You have to think of an alternative to cutting. Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing. In the meantime, you might want to watch this...
http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng

Find a higher power...you are being watched over and taken care of.
6300143 tn?1380221525
Things took a horrible turn...
I had a friend stay at my house for 2 months. She had broke up with her boyfriend and didnt want to be alone. So she stayed at my house while my ex and i were dating and would even come to his house with me when i went up for the weekends. Well after He broke up with me she stopped coming around me and i figured it was because i was so sad and she couldn't handle it...but it turns out she started seeing him right away...i am constantly 2 min away from suicide and i dont know how to make it stop! Its been over a month and im just getting closer and closer to the end...I have never loved someone so much in my life....and at the same time i have never been so hurt by that person...then to have a friend come in and just take that knife and twist it into my chest more...I can no longer take it and feel like everyday i am getting closer and closer to my demise.  
480448 tn?1426948538
I'm sorry you're in so much pain, that certainly is very hurtful what your friend did you you hon.

Please get help urgently.  You cannot take this lightly.  Please keep posting and let us know how you're doing.  You're in my thoughts.
6548496 tn?1384490023
I understand what you are going through because i am going through the same thing i cut everyday because of depression i always cry  but nothing seems to help until i cut i understand that you are going through a rough time and it is hard to get passed it but think of all the people who care about you and want you alive you have a lot to live for i have experience in cutting i have had so much help but it isnt working my parents dont know what to do i am on so much medication but none of it works which ***** because i want to stop cutting and its very hard i am 17 and have been cutting since i was 9 years of age its a hard thing to just give up i understand that but at least get rid of all the sharp things in your house/apartment my parents did that and i have been so frustrated with it because i feel the urge to cut but i havent been cutting for 3 days and always have somebody with you at home so you dont hurt yourself even more i have to have my sisters sleep in the room or wait until i fall asleep so they are safe with me being in there by myself take my advice because this is the first time i have gave it to anybody but listen to it DONT CUTT ANYMORE ITS BAD ON YOUR VAINS I KNOW THAT FOR A FACT CAUE I HAVE ENDED UP IN THE HOSPITAL DO TO LOSS OF BLOOD
463897 tn?1468013750
Hi,

As a general reminder for all, please remember that there are phone numbers that you can call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, from any location in the United States. We're including a website in this post that you can turn to for help, as well as some phone numbers that you can call for additional assistance from the United States.  If anyone would like resource information outside of the US, please don't hesitate to send me a message, and we are glad to assist.

US Website:  http://www.suicide.org

Phone Numbers:  1-800-SUICIDE
(1-800-784-2433)

1-800-273-TALK
(1-800-273-8255)

Best in Health,
Cheryl
MH Community Mgr
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