30 years old and uncertian path

[Jimmy1981]

Im a 30 year old young professional in a small-mid sized town in the US and Ive been finding myself starting to struggle with depression in the past year or so, alot of it having to do with uncertianty in what life-meaning I should be looking for.

Generally my job is not bad, sometimes stressful hours, but overall not bad - and I am married to a great young woman who is hoping to start a family soon. I have a number of reservations about starting a family right now, some financial, some professional, some just general lack of familiarity with what I may be getting myself into.  I have seen a psychatrist once about a year ago he did not prescribe any medication at that time.

I dont want to alarm, but I have been somewhat dark thoughts lately, imagining the world without me, and so forth, although I want to clairify I havent seriously considered taking steps towards suicide. I've just found myself contemplating the end and what it might be like for my wife, friends and family if I passed away in the near future.

Im just wondering if there is anything besides seeing a psychiatrist that I can seriously do to come through this. Ive had mood/depression type funks before, sometimes while taking stressful professional licensing exams several years ago, and several years before that when I first started grad school and felt overwhelmed. But lately this background depression, which I can say has certianly been present since around mid October of last year when I successfully finished a major project at work, and got a nice raise, and my loving wife said that she was ready to start trying to have children. I tried to put on a happy and brave face supporting her decision, but deep down I have been too afraid that my depression is undermining my confidence in my ability to be a good worker, a good parent or even a good husband.

Although I have a family history of drinking problems as well as depression, I never considered myself to have a drinking problem, as I have always been able to stop at will. Just over a week ago I was involved in my first ever alcohol related auto accident and recieved a citation, although there were no injuries, it is still a serious matter that I have kept very private other than letting my wife know as it is tremendously embarassing and will be expensive to pay any fines that may be assessed. Since then I havent had a drink at all, with plans to stay dry for the rest of the Lent season (although Im not particularly religious at all, its a conveneint reference and target). I know what I did was wrong and wreckless, and I have promised myself and my wife that I will never allow myself to be put into that position again.

I dont want to see a psychatrist about this if I dont have to, perhaps because Im partly afraid that I dont want to get addicted to whatever medication may be prescribed. Its not that I think a psychatrist couldnt help me, in fact they may be able to, but Im just looking for interactive and other viable depression treatment options that have worked for other people.  Thanks for listening.

[firmjirpy]

Your guardian angel here - popping over from your other thread ;)

...so long as you feel very grounded with your relationship with your wife - have a kid - then another.  Granted, that 'free time' you spoke of - watching tv - hobbies - etc... that'll be gone - long gone my friend... and yeah, you'll miss & be amazed at JUST how much free & me time you used to have... life will get busier, harder - all that's true... it ain't no picnic - but here's the payoff... the depth & meaning you seek will more profoundly envelope you than you could ever possibly imagine...

...so my advice - knock her up - then hold on for dear life my friend.

[Jimmy1981]

Thanks for your suggestions and comments, they sound very positive and uplifting. About a year ago when I was first having dark thoughts, but wasnt sure what to call them, I talked with a old friend about how although I mostly liked my job, it didnt seem quite fulfilling but I didnt know what else to do. He suggested spending more time on the things I like, hobbies, recreation, etc., more "me time", which sounded great - but somehow didnt work as well as Id hoped when I tried it.

Thing is, I dont seem to have enough "me time" to fill the hole. Although Im working less total overtime hours now than I was last year, I still tend to be fairly busy at work and dont always feel like I have enough time left for many hobbies. I work from about 7am until around 7pm Mon through Friday, and usually from 10am to 4pm on most Saturdays, and Im frequently expected to be on call or respond to work emails during evening hours most of the time. Although I do usually have most Sundays off, and I do get one day off for most major holidays off: Christmas Day, New Years Day, Thanksgiving Day, Memorial Day, July 4th and Labor Day -  6 total - I dont really get any other holidays or days-off, and am strongly discouraged from using vacation time. In fact, I've only used 4 days of vacation time total in the past two and a half years of work.  While this does tend to help keep a good impression with my boss, who can be very demanding, it also has helped me get a decent raise last year in this tough economy.

The raise helped I guess, but it didnt really make me happy overall. When I was a kid, I used to slack off and goof around all the time, playing games, watching too much tv, and not focusing on school enough, but at least I had fun most of the time. As I got older, particularly in college, I became more more school focused, then work focused. Now I pride myself on my work ethic, which I suppose is alright, but it seems to leave little time for doing anything else hobby wise. Most nights my wife and I just watch tv for a few hours, eat dinner, and go to bed.  I used to feel so purpose driven when I was in college, working towards a degree, then when I went to graduate school, again working towards a degree, then when I was in an internship, working towards a full time position; even during my first year with my current employer, working hard to be sure I was doing my very best and making a good impression. Now its been almost 3 years straight of non-stop working, which has mostly been ok, and it sure beats unemployment, but for at least the past year or two, Ive felt like I was waiting for something else to emerge, something to give more meaning to my life.

Even my old interests and hobbies seem unappealing to me often times, but I dont know why. I used to love to read, but now I barely read at all anymore outside of work, maybe just skim the news online and thats about it. I used to love watching football games, and I still suppose I keep up some when its in season, but the past year or so Ive been far more tuned out. While I may very occasionally try to do outdoorsy things I enjoy, gardening/yard work, hit some trails in the woods, etc, that may only be once every month or two at most. Im also not particularly religious, although we may go to church services once or twice a year for Christmas or Easter, but thats about it. I feel so uninterested in doing anything extracirricular after work, that even on a Friday night, when I used to like to go out, I often cant even motivate myself to go see a film.

Part of me thinks this feeling is kinda like Im just waiting:  waiting to figure out what to do next, waiting on better finances, waiting on a possible promotion, waiting to have children, waiting for ...something, Im just not sure what that is.

[rls27]

Jimmy,

I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but it seems you have a tendency to over analyze a bit. You are worrying about stuff that hasn't even happened yet, drawing up scenarios in your head about the future and perhaps second guessing some of your choices of the past.

Here's something to consider...if have a good foundation to start a family now, ie., good career, stabile marriage, etc., then just remember you aren't in it alone. Your wife is your partner, your teammate. Allow her to do her part and don't feel as though you have to shoulder the weight of parenthood alone.

If you need a meaning or something to define your life, just follow your interests. Do more of what you enjoy whether it's hiking, swimming, cycling, fishing, sports, hobbies etc. Try to find things to do with other people as well. Don't spend too much of your spare time alone. You know how they say you should always pay yourself first when it comes to finances, set aside some savings? Well, the same goes for your personal life as well. Don't give all of yourself to you job or school. Pay yourself first--carve out time for you and your personal fullfillment. Set goals--plan something you've always wanted to do...road trip, sky dive, attending a major league event like a World Series game or a concert, etc. You get the idea. Have something to look forward to and don't let the grind of life wear you down. Work is always going to be there and so are life's challenges and responsibilities, but squeeze every drop of sugar you can out of this life along the way. Sometimes it's ok to be selfish.

[MMahon]

You may wish to get a referral to a therapist.  Someone you can talk with skilled with those with depression.  Many people have great success with this and learn ways to deal with their symptoms.  For me however NO amount of talking, or anything I ever heard kept my nervous system from beating me up when I was under stress.
Most everyone has the feelings you do about Shrinks and medications at first.  I'm not sure why, we'll go to the doctor when we're sick without 'batting an eye', yet seeing a shrink somehow means a death spiral admission that we're hopelessly crazy and will never be normal again.
But nothing can be further from the truth.  If you were suffering heart related chest pains, you'd go see a cardiologist, do what he recommends and take pills he gives you, no questions asked.
This is really no different.  You can go see a GP for your heart problems but don't you want those with the proper skills treating you??  Psychiatrists are the best ones to see for proper diagnosis for what you are experiencing.  You may not need medication but wouldn't that be better then going thru life wanting to kill yourself all the time or drinking to self medicate and dealing with the results you see from that?   Alcohol will only make your depression worse and add a significant new problem to what you already have.  Medications don't have to be long term in all cases. Properly prescribed and used they are safe and can be stopped with little or no difficulty when under a doctors supervision.
I recommend that you seek help now and don't take a chance that things worsen and you become less able to make the best decisions or suffer worse reprocussions.  Most of us here have been thru what you have and know what you are going thru and have learned the best things to do to keep ourselves on as 'even a keel' as possible.  For me I learned what I thought was 'normal' for me was really a diminished existence I took for granted.  Medication helped me get so much more out of life I wasn't even aware I was missing or could have.
Let us know how you make out and take care and hang in there!