AN UNRESOLVED ISSUE SINCE CHILDHOOD - story

[Diego1187]

This is an odd question since I am not depressed, if anything, I'm the opposite. But I had periods of my life where I have been seriously depressed though. That I can recall, the two biggest were moving back to the US at the age of 14 from another country I had lived as far I could actually recall (Since 2'1/2) And also upon entering high school, a very demanding school academically - very. Suicide actually slipped my mind those days... Then, later on, I transfered to another high school, less demanding and with girls as well. Upon the end of 11th grade I was in all honestly very popular and on a path to have a life most people would envy at that age. I lived pretty happily then on after. and I can't recall ever being depressed again. Upon writing for my personal records, I stumbled on the thought that maybe I forgotten how to suffer emotionally. I say this because in paper my life has definitely taken some serious plunges. I suppose my losses are great. but nothing, tomorrow there another day to live right? i see it like that and more. But whatever really. Thats not really what I'm here to talk about.

Through my whole childhood, my mother was told i had learning disabilities. I went to psychiatrist and God know what else as a child. As far as I remember they were fun as I got to simply play through most of them and talk thing I don't recall - nothing ever serious. Through all this though, my mother sustained from giving me any medication as to avoid any possible side-effects. At around 10 I think they all completely ended.
I was always the lowest seed in the class. Meaning always on the verge of expulsion, due to grades. This pattern continued all till graduation in the States. Now as humble as this can be said, I'm not stupid and actually around the  age of 16 I actually started to see I was brighter than most people. Without really studying (cause thats what I did always, not really study) I managed a 1200 out of a 1600 in my SATs. Which was the reason they did not expel me from my last high school. ( I been to a total of at least 10 different schools up until high school) So... the apple is not all that far from the tree (another random fact: my dad I consider a genius. Chemistry, physics, philosophy, blah, blah, blah)

Well where I am going with these is simple. There is something wrong with me. And through my life, particularly now it is becoming more self evident. I can concentrate just fine (I wrote this in a breeze) But the fact that I should be studying like crazy right now, is worrisome. I need hours upon hours to do work I am ready and prepared to do in  30 minutes. Simply because I go on to do other stuff I feel compelled ought to be done also... or not sometimes. The point is I miss highway exists because I get on my own little world thinking upon things which in all honestly are important I analyze. but to loose track of things like that worries me. And I'm worried since it has been getting worst. I now feel an awkwardness i did not know before, towards people and conversations. My mind has being going blank and a feeling of "overwhelm-ness" for lack of words, is what I feel. I ignore the feeling, yet my eye contact is not clear ( I look down, wall, simply whatever) and my words... God... the other day I was not making any sense to this girls i was trying to talk to. Meeting new people is now starting to become a problem as it had never been. This worries me as I see this not being a matter of personality. Back on the concentration. I can really focus but I admit is on a level of interest. And even though, I could be playing a game match with a friend, in which when on cue I'm unstoppable, yet I am simply not at times (WITHIN A SPAM OF A MINUTES).
Again all these issues, now that I'm 20, are becoming more clear to me. And they seemed to have gotten worst. what the hell is wrong with me. ADD, ADHD, AUTISM? I have no idea and for what i read (wiki) none of those fully encompass what I'm experiencing. I'm sure a doctor could help and I'm sure I be passing him a copy of this. But here right now. Can anyone help? Part of the reason I am taking direct action now, is because if i don't solve this issue, I don't see how I will survive in a Top-Notch University.

ps: This social thing is totally new (within the last year). Also, I started walking at a very early age 7'1/2 months but took much longer than normal to start talking.

[Diego1187]

My first reaction to your question was actually no... And honestly I don't feel as if get bored all that easily....
I'm very contempt with myself. But upon further thought, I do suppose I simply don't care about many things - which may be why I'm contempt.

Lack interest. Thats my problem. Why? I suppose there are many reasons. One is cause I simply loose it fast hahaha... again thats the problem. And this has happened many times in all sort of situations, but as far as getting bored academically... hmm, Math since I see no use for complicated stuff and I would actually understand the concepts very quickly, but remembered getting hassled into memorizing all the formulas... Is public information, not a state secret! All I got to do is open a book. Like that, it is simply a fact, not a deep understanding therefore is like it has no value, dogs memorize. I would always end up making new ways to solve problems backwards in exams, start with the easy problems, then move on to other more complicated questions to see if they made sense all around... lol these formulas were funny... I reckon some actually worked though. Most times they didn't though.
Doing these formulas is how I spend my time in math classes. That or doing late homework. Never actually paying attention, hmm... maybe just shortly. I got the concepts pretty fast and most days I had tons of late HWs to do or people to talk to around me lol (and again, I'm no genius, this just some advance algebra and geometry at the most) Academically other materials which would interest me but bore me, would be philosophy and religion, cause I get to hear all these things I knew already or simply think they are wrong. For such and such reason. All in all, all my academic life I done consciously the least just to scrape by... I made the most of my life and got the same high school diploma as everyone else...

Now I still don't care about most things that are subjective. And its now like problem. Yes, when I want something, I want it, and mostly somehow get it. From small to big, everything else is as if it has no priority. The problem I was talking about is that I please myself when I shouldn't do it - even uncontrollably - my focus changes all too quick, and part of the problem is that I am pretty darn focused, the type in which the task I was suppose to do has no place in my head. So for school I found  that very objective teachers help me out the most. Since I tend to go in my head or whatever else. I got to now exactly all that got to get done clearly, no second guessing what ought to be done,  All the course's HW have to be in the syllabus and all the material that must be studied has to be clearly noted before hand. Cause then I can time myself, (I take a long time to do things) When I have a time pressure I get CRANKING and as focused as I could possibly be. A recent good scenerio was like  "I got two hours to work on this paper before I have to sleep" then I'll sleep eight hours, wake up and I'll tell myself "I have to work for four hours, check the paper, print, and run to class" Time pressure on objective tasks are when I consider myself unstoppable and the most thrilling moments I got. I do think of those days as more fun than actually stressing.

Now until recently I would simply not care about school and I say this because it may help some parents with their kids understand.

I did gained self motivation to do good for a couple reasons. One because I decided I don't want money to ever be an issue in my mind. Money is means to an end right? well I realized I got many ends and most likely come up with more... and though I have a couple business ideas, the surest way to bank some "Gs" is to graduate from a top school. A second more recent motivator has been the actual challenge that this is. This will be the first time I am dedicating myself to accomplish something which is long term. I'm testing myself and my stamina like never before and I want to have a conscious that tell me "you did it". My mother as loving and well intended as she was, did many times not... "match" with me. I saw things differently and had to make my own schedule or otherwise... it just didn't click and nothing gets done. I'm a night person. I take afternoon/night classes by choice and I always get to sleep to the point I wake up on my own. From 6 to 10 hours depending on the day, I sleep all I have to every single day... Sleeping with an alarm is very odd for me. Surfing is the only thing which completely switches my clock. I'm an avid surfer and a fairly good one. Because of surfing, my wish to sleep and live at night i do hold my 06 classes record of 28 days of missed school days in one year... (somehow, don't ask me how, although is like 90 days of classes...)

And sorry for the ramble, but I probably use this little essays. And hey, they might really help someone gain insight of this sort of ADD I have. I never took anything, nor I think I needed - till now. I want to go to UC Berkeley and that is simply, a hell of a mission. I have to control my lack of attention spam and my social deals I got going on... Hmm, will see, I just have to not loose track and figure out some meds so this becomes a controlled issue.

[ray31]

Have you ever considered that maybe because you are so intelligent that maybe this world bores you which would make it hard to concentrate.

[Diego1187]

Thanks for the replies ppl. I do feel as if some extra help might make a huge difference, Be meds or vitamins. And Wolf, english was not my first language and I do have to admit for the first time I might be starting to feel more comfortable in English at least surely in writing.

[lonewolf07]

Just a thought - is English your first language?  As a child I was exposed to two languages and as I got older English became the more "dominant" language and the other sort of went into the background.  Now I have found that sometimes I get the two languages confused when I try to write.

That was an interesting comment about Einstein.  I heard the same thing about him too - that he was thought to be "backwards".

Hope you have success in dealing with this - whatever it turns out to be.

wolf

[Fuzzz]

Is your last name Einstein?  Because your early child development sounds a lot like his.  They thought he was an idiot and he didn't talk for a long time.  I'm reading "Einstein; His Life and Universe" right now.  Pick it up in a bookstore and at least read the beginning part about his early childhood.  You'll feel better.  

I have been diagnosed with ADD and depression, and like you, my concentration is fine when I'm interested in something, and not good when I'm not.  Some noises effect my concentration very badly also.  There are different kinds of ADD/ADHD.  For me it is very important that I have the right teacher for courses that are difficult for me, such as math and chemistry.  Those two subjects are holding me back because at the college level I've had no luck getting a good match to an instructor.  Another way to go would be to get a tutor or some other kind of extra help.  Don't overdo your schedule; just one tough course at a time.  Do not be automatically afraid of Business Law; oddly enough, that course was really easy for me and some others I've talked to.  It may have been the instructor, though.  Taping lectures might be helpful.  

Are you sleeping at night?  Sleep is key.  Clonazepam is good for that, but you might first see if Benadryl does the trick.  And for me, just a tiny dose of old fashioned amitriptyline or nortriptyline calms down racing thoughts very well.  But everybody reacts differently to meds.  Another more natural thing to try is calcium with vitamin D at bedtime.  The calcium is relaxing and the vitamin D helps the immune system.  Relaxation with biofeedback was also very helpful for me.  

Hope you find something effective for you.